Dear Francis

Nothing would ever be the same again.

My whole family was sitting around our living room. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I clutched my teddy bear, not daring to say a word. Tears glistened on everyone’s face. We sat in silence, thinking of our lost one, the one that had been taken today. My mother. I felt breathless, tired and grief. Soon, we had to go, we had to leave. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. I screamed as they dragged me away. I pulled and hit and kicked.

“Ameliea!” My father said “Peace”

I didn’t hear, I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t want to hear anyone except my mother. More people came to calm me down, to hold me, to stiffle my cries. In the process, they broke my teddy bear. The teddy bear was everything to me. My mother’s gift. The one that gave me sweet dreams after my aunt was diagnosed with cancer, and when my uncle almost died. The one that I loved so much even after high school I kept. Francis was everything to me. Everything, but who knew? Who will ever know my pain?

The week passed almost impossibly. Insomnia got hold of me, panick, grief and depression. It had started to snow. My mother’s favourite season, yet, she was not there to see it. I wanted to destroy winter, snow, everything. Francis would have been there to comfort me, I would have talked to him all about my fears and sadness. Can I? Can I? I ripped papers and photographs, know one would ever know my pain. Who would ever know?

It had started to snow even harder. Beautiful, deicate sugar sifted from the sky, the wind hummed a soft lullaby. It was cold, numb and hurting. Yet, I say this again, my teddy bear, would have been there to protect me, to give me warmth, paint dragged me deeper again. But I held it in my heart.I had no one, not a single person. No one would ever know my pain. Who would?

Rumbling of cars, the smell of tabacco, my mother’s favourite scent.

Ha! I thought, I was going insane, Francis would have been here, he would still have my mother’s tabacco scent. I swear, I would still be able to smell the faint smell of my mother’s breath, it stank of spoiled milk. Which I learned to love.

Ha! I thought again, who would ever love spoiled milk than me? I didn’t make sense, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want anything that wasn’t my mother.

Powerless against grief, my heart, and my mind. I wish I could not think, could not talk, could not feel. If I were, nothing would bother me, hurt me or torture me. Why was life not like this? I laughed and laughed, until my belly hurt and my eyes welled with salted water. The taste of my tears, was the taste of the ocean. No, never, I never want to taste that again, the ocean. I could not cry. Never. My teddy bear would have soaked them up, in his carmel brown fur.

STOP! STOP! STOP!

I had to stop thinking. I had to go away, I had to go.

I ran, I ran, I ran. Snow glistened on trees and the sun shone weakly, covered by cotton clouds. Who cares anymore? Who wanted to look at trees anymore? I once made a wish. That I would live happily. I chuckled. Now, everything was just a dream. I ran even harder. My hair flew away from its binding, and whipped around in my face, it hurt, it stung. White, green, gray. Colours, colours, colours. The colours of my heart. Gray. I shook my head and kept running. Stumble, trip, fall, run.

Help. Help. Help.

I stopped. I reached into my pocket. Paper. I pulled it out and smoothed it, too. My mother’s printing, her last words to me.

Dearest Ameliea

I assume you are running in the forest. HA! Well, I know that you feel guilty because you didn’t save me from drowning until it was too late. I asked your father to put it in your pocket a minute before I died. You are thinking why I knew I was going to die. Well, because I did know I was. The doctor said I was going to feel immense pain forever because of a disease. I forgot it. So I drowned myself. HA! Francis will help you. I know it!

Mother.

No, no no. Francis. Mother. Gone. I vowed not to cry, but I did, I cried until my eyes hurt, I cried until I couldn’t breath, I cried until I was covered in tears, I cried until I couldn’t.

“You know what to do” I whispered

I started running again, my limbs and muscles hurt, my everything hurt. I tried to process everything.

Drowned, on purpose, died, Francis, No.

As I reached a dead end, I felt another piece of paper in my pocket. I smoothed it out and read it.

Ameliea, don’t take this so seriously. Tell me, now, why are you sad? I am not gone Ameliea, I am right behind you this whole time. Eagle call, rememeber? Whistle. Breath, live, think. This may be dark, this may be terrible. Look at yourself. Look at the monster you have become. Look deep with in your heart. Did you keep all your emotions deep? Let them out. Do not be so powerless my brave girl! If I were not here, how would I know Francis broke? How did I know all your troubles? Remember, I am right behind you! You are wearing your wool, gray sweater with black shorts, why are you wearing shorts? Now, do what you’ve always wanted.

I turned around slowly. No one. I must have been crazy. What I’ve always wanted to do? Jump. I ran for a cliff. I wasn’t going to die. I know it. Deep breath, prepare, jump. My body felt light, small and free. Feathers grew fom my body, my lips formed into a beak. I screeched and called out. I saw my teddy bear flowing from a river, I reconized my mother’s bird call. Crazy crazy crazy. Looks like Francis did save me somehow. I’ve found you Francis, I’ve found you, dear Francis.