“Thanks for the Memories: Sorry About Your Face.”

Dear Jake,

Thank you so much for coming to my 40th birthday party! It was an honor to have you there. Hosting a party can be a lot but seeing you there made it worth it. So sorry you had to leave early. I know how much you like fireworks. At least you finally got to meet my fiancé Isobel.

Your Friend,

Thomas Tiberius Gatley

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Dearest Noah,

Thank you so much for coming to my party! It really meant a lot to me. Isobel said that you were a riot and everyone loved your impromptu standup at the DJ booth. Although you were passed out for most of the party I could see you having a great time, and that’s what it’s all about. Maybe I was a little too liberal with the gin in the punch. You know I don’t drink so, I don’t have a good sense for these things. My bad! Talk to you soon!

Your Friend,

Thomas Ty Gatley

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Hey Melody,

It was so great seeing you last week and I appreciate so much your making the drive. Thank you for bringing your beautiful little rescue Chocolate. What a cutie! Everyone loved him, especially the kids. Had I known that your darling Chocolate would have such an adverse reaction I would have never had considered setting off fireworks. My bad! I also would have made sure that he was in a fenced area. Boy, he sure is fast. I hope so much that you find him. Do you have any leads yet from all of the Missing posters we put up Tuesday?

Yours and Truly Sorry,

Gatley

PS: So sorry for what Noah said about Chocolate. The “All Dogs Go To Heaven” joke was too soon.

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Hey there Sharon,

It was amazing to have you and little Bennett at my party! It’s important to me that my friends feel invited to include their children. One shouldn’t have to choose friends or kids, right?!  Get them off the screens, I say. They’ll learn more by interacting with adults. For example - when I was 5 - I was at a cookout and when I was walking through the adults one of them burned my face with the cigarette he was absentmindedly holding. I screamed then yelled at him, “See, that’s why you shouldn't smoke!” I credit that experience for never wanting to try cigarettes as a teen. 

To that end, I am very sorry about the fight your little Bennett got in with Jackie’s little Jordan. I do hope that little Bennett’s eye heals up well. 8 year olds, amiright!? Don’t worry. Kids are resilient! 

Yours Truly,

Ty Ty

PS: I’m sorry for what Noah said about Jordan going all “Cobra Kai on his ass.” It wasn’t appropriate. 

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Hola Jackie,

It was so wonderful to see you and it had been too long! I can’t believe how big Jordan has gotten and it only reminds me that we really need to see each other more often. The night was full of surprises. With you and your partner Rob being so reserved I would have never expected Jordan to have such a mean right hook! Between you and me little Bennett had it coming. He can be quite the little bully and that’s exactly what I told Sharon. 

Honestly, I think it was good for Bennet. It was a kind of life intervention so that he doesn’t become like Biff from Back to the Future. I think that Jordan learned an important lesson as well! When someone tries to take your cake sometimes “No” isn’t enough and you choose violence. 8 year olds, amiright!?

Thank You Always,

Tommie Ty Ty

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Hey Ben,

It was amazing that you made the drive for my party. Thank you. I am so sorry that your wife Bailey got sick and that you had to leave. Although I didn’t think that her calling me a “Stupid fucking idiot,” was terribly nice; in my defense, I didn’t know that a “flour allergy” was a thing. When she asked if my cake had flour in it, and I said “No, what cake of mine would have flour?” I felt that the sarcasm was obvious. As you know, she doesn’t have the best sense of humor and I simply thought she was making a joke. So, I was going going with the bit. I’m grateful that you were able to get home to your EpiPen in time and again, I’m really sorry. Send her my best.  I do wish you would return my calls. 

Apologies and Still Best Friends I Hope Since I Was the Best Man at Your Wedding,

The Gat-meister

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My Friend Jess,

It was an honor to have you at my party and thank you thank you so much for flying in! What terrible luck your tripping on the stairs was and I feel just terrible about your broken wrist. Boy, when I saw that, there was no question it was broken. I honestly have never seen a hand that turned 90 degrees like that before and I apologize for throwing up on your Ralph Lauren linen pants. That was a really great outfit. 

I know I explained this but I had set down that cooler on the landing when Chocolate ran off through the door during the fireworks and I tried to grab him. On your request I have contacted my home insurance and I’m waiting to hear back from the representative, Tammy: case# 13832147-IN. She was so nice and, if it makes you feel any better, she says that these things happen all the time. I do wish you would return my calls. 

Forever in your debt,

Thomas

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To the Magnificent Mariel,

It was so great to have you and your new beau, Allen. I only wish that we had time to catch up and talk more during the party! I would have loved to hear how you and Allen had met and the whole story behind that encounter. Honestly, it looks like you found him on some beach somewhere doing pushups. You go girl! Had I known that you hadn’t really ended things with Akash I would have never invited him to my party and I apologize for the awkwardness that this caused. 

Honestly, you know how Akash is and I wasn’t even sure if he’d be there. He’s always coming and going. Well, I guess you know all about that. Enclosed is a bill for the patio table that Akash tackled Allen through. It was from the Target Home Essentials line so don’t worry at all! It wasn’t expensive. 

You’re Still the Best,

Thom Thom

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My Friend Alex,

I appreciate so much your coming to my party. It is certainly one that I will never forget but I’m sure everyone can say that about their 40th. In any case, I’m sorry that I punched you when you told me that Akash had also recently had an affair with my fiance Isobel. It was an emotional reaction and uncalled for. 

If it makes you feel any better I hurt my hand way more than I hurt your face. Now that I have reflected on it I am happy that I heard it from my friend and old college roommate. I do wish you would return my calls. 

Your Friend,

The Gatternator 

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Akash,

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Thomas Tiberius Gatley III