Poor baby

By the time I stepped outside the leaves were on fire, various hues of red and orange scattered all around my front yard and it then hit me.

I in my grief had wallowed an entire month away. How was that possible? Autumn was here and my mood now perfectly matched the weather. The dull, cold, drab weather with the scent of death that signified autumn, like walking into the attic and holding your breath before taking a tentative sniff so you won't faint.

I didn't go out much on account of I was a freelance designer, and didn't really spend much time in an office but I still felt weird. The leaves were brown and orange and I was standing on my front porch, watching them fall down slowly and slowly over and over again, like a picture on loop.

The sky was grey, white, black, patched like dolly Parton's coat of many colors and it reminded me of him. He would look at the sky and then look at me like I was his saviour. Like I hung the world and magic was on my finger tips, then he would allow me to pinch his fat cheeks before hurrying off to do what his mates do when they left their loved ones.

"How long are you going to mourn?" Stephanie my best friend in the entire world and the one responsible for making me step out of the house asked.

I sighed because grief is a funny thing. It didn't have a time limit or a stop and start button. It made you so lonely that you might want to just crawl up in a hole and die. It confuses you and leaves you desolate and there is nothing you can do about it.

I shivered as a cold breeze ruffled the leaves sideways and nearly blew my wig off. "As long as it takes me to mourn. You don't know my grief and I hope that you never do." I scowled at her.

"Cee, I think you need to be around people, you know move around and not stay stuck home. Your house looks like a pig sty and if I had not aired it out you would be dead from air poisoning." Stephanie said as she draped my jacket around my body and tightened the scarf around my neck.

I glared at her for nearly choking me, pulled the jacket tightly around me and went to sit down on the bench by the window. "You said if I stepped out of the house you would buy me ice cream and take me to the movies." 

"The front porch is part of the house, when I said step out I meant into the street while we take a walk around the block so I can buy the ice cream for you."

"Nuh uh," I shook my head. "Don't cheat me, I want my ice cream."

"Please Cee, for me. At least let's give the cleaning guys a little privacy while they make your house look presentable for your mom. She's going to have a heart attack if she see's the pile of pizza boxes by the sofa. And I know she will kill you for those stains on the white sofa." Stephanie begged and I knew she knew she had succeeded in wearing me down.

I huffed. "You can't use my mom to frighten me, life is meaningless. Everything is vanity upon vanity."

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "Being your best friend is not vanity." 

"I wish I could trade you for a food coupon." She walked to stand in front of me, hands akimbo.

"And I know you don't mean that. It's not your fault you know." She whispered.

"What do you mean it's not my fault? Of course it's my fault. I wasn't paying attention to him and he just...." I froze, unable to complete the sentence because I could still hear the loud screech before it all went down hill. A simple shopping erand with my baby and I couldn't even protect him.

Stepahnie bent down till we were on the same eye level and she held onto my shoulder, staring right into my eyes to prove a point. "It's not your fault, accidents happen to good and bad people alike. You can't blame yourself Cee it will kill you and leave you unable to love." She insisted.

"It is my fault and I appreciate you for trying to alleviate my guilt but it's not working. I need more time to mourn." I looked at my boots and could see mildew growing on them. The boots that gave me joy to put on had been thrown underneath a couch and never been seen again.

"What you need is a new baby. Because God knows this isn't the first and last one."

"Maybe I'm not made for love." I whined and Stephanie let out an exasperated breath before standing up and dragging me down the street.

"I hope your boyfriend doesn't hear that. For Christ's sake it's a hamster you named baby. And so what? He ran out of your small pouch and an eagle swooped him up. It's the circle of life so stop feeling bad for yourself and lets go get some ice cream."

"It was horrible. I could hear him squealing as the eagle flew him away. I had nightmares for days and in the nightmares baby kept looking at me with those soulful eyes before blaming me for his death."

"Ugh, you're so dramatic," she kicked a pile of leaves and it was like fire sparking up before settling down. "The leaves will die and another one will replace it in spring. I give you till spring to get a new hamster and name it baby junior or so help me!" 

"Fine! Yeesh, you're worse than my mom." I sighed before looking up to the sky. "I'm going to miss you Baby. The best hamster anyone could ever ask for." I blew a kiss to the sky and decided a fish was going to be my next pet, at least no eagle could make it dinner.