On the Outside

Trigger warning: suicide

It was so hard for Shawn not to feel the atmosphere of the room – it was cold and calculating and deliberately dispelling. She was in the throws of finishing her final student work term and was nervously excited to do so. It was a hard journey to get to this last work term – between taking “time off” to recover from an illness and then rebuilding a brand-new work term to return to, was mentally exhausting!     Not to mention being a mature student.

The morning meeting was abuzz with the layout of the day – the breaking down of whom would be covering which floors/rooms, the patient progress updates, etc. Shawn felt like a fish out of water and suddenly felt a large lump rise in her throat – she could not swallow all she wanted to do was – be acknowledged and given just a little bit of welcome direction. But all she could do was feel a strange awkwardness – she was left to her own devices on her first day. This became an ongoing deliberate action which would be the downfall of her student work term. And the abrupt end of it...she was told that due to her behaviour – she had fallen professionally, and her term was over – she had been cut off at the knees.

Suddenly, she felt light head and her heart was racing all at the same time - she got up from her chair suddenly and ran out of the room – she could not stand being in the presence of such uncaring and cold individuals. She felt as if she was trapped in a parallel realm – she thought that she was fully recovered and solidly on her feet – level – that her mental illness was under control and could adequately function. Plus carry out her acquired skills – but this was not the case she arrived into this arena without a competent and strong arsenal of weapons with which she could thrive and succeed. She essentially pushed herself back into an arena that she was not prepared for and one that was not ready for her. This was devastating news – it totally threw her academic program into disarray. But ironically this was not something that was taken into consideration during her studies by the host site – it was just another student casualty on the books. There was a “Hey we screwed another one over” kind of attitude in the air, it was overpowering.

Shawn slowly walked down the street to her apartment with a heavy dark cloud surrounding her – she was about to put her key into her door and stopped – she decided to go for a long walk instead. She felt numb and wanted to scream at someone or something but all – she could do was mumble under her breath – with tears streaming down her face “I wish I had the power and means to make others feel what it’s like to be inside the mind of mental illness – all of it...the ugliness and the pain...Suddenly time seemed to stand still. Shawn looked around and was suddenly back in a morning meeting getting ready for a shift. She pinched herself to make sure that she wasn’t dreaming – she wasn’t but how did she get back to the hospital and the meeting room? Her term leader walked over to Shawn and said, “I just want to tell you how impressed we all are with your time here with us thus far,” Shawn reluctantly replied, “Thank you?” The other staff all chimed in with the term leader’s sentiment – nodding and smiling with agreement and approval.  

Shawn was about to say something like - “What is going on here?" when she was suddenly in another location one that she was not familiar to her – she was not alone a woman was there – about "40-something" dressed in an outfit like an actor out of the movie the "Matrix" black leather duster coat and all the other black leather paraphernalia, black hair with vivid streaks of silver-gray running through it – and that "Don't fuck with me!" attitude radiating from her.  "How did I get here and what is happening?  Shawn nervously asked the leather-clad woman. "I am your guide and the protector of your “Parallel Realm" the woman stated with a strong conviction and loyalty.  It was clear that Shawn

was in some disbelief of what was unfolding in front of her – she started to touch her head to see if she had bumped it somehow, but she could not feel anything that was out of the ordinary.  

The “superhero” like mystery woman could tell that Shawn was not buying her answer and was becoming very agitated and somewhat scared. “My name is Tia, please do not be afraid – I have come to right the wrongs that have happened to you – to show the ones who have treated you unfairly because of your illness just what you experience,” she stated with empathy.  "I am your mind's eye – a portal a vessel that will inject the ones who have no understanding or concept of the collateral damage and pain that mental illness can cause to one's life – one's existence...do you want others to understand your experience?" Shawn paused and quietly nodded her head, "Yes – I want them, the others to have my experience." 

The woman then projected a beam of energy and light towards Shawn causing her body to jerk for a moment. "How do you feel Shawn?" the woman asked. "No different – what did you do to me?" I have given you the ability to make others feel the way you do – all the rawness and angst of your mental illness. "You will return to your work term and use this power” Tia instructed Shawn.

Shawn returned to the hospital for another day back at her work term still feeling uneasy that she was now back, and things were so different – so very different. She was so ready and eager to cast her illness on one of her unsuspecting preceptors/student co-workers when she could feel something had changed...she could feel that cold and calculating atmosphere in the air again – she was back in the very first days of work term again...Before she could even grasp this fact – her student supervisor started ridiculing her work ethic and behaviour. "Put your back into it!" her preceptor yelled – "lift that patient!" Shawn could not believe her ears "Put my back into it!?!" 

She had enough and decided to set this person right. This person was one of the many that had been breathing down her neck at every turn – ignoring her predicament. Shawn concentrated intently – so much so that her preceptor questioned her, "Did you not hear me!" and in that same breath uttered under her breath, "You must really be a mental case" Shawn heard the muttered comment and was livid – she closed her eyes tight – and clenched her hands into tightly balled fists - then an ice blue ball of light and energy exited her body and entered the body of her preceptor – causing her body to jolt for a minute. Her preceptor looked stunned and a bit unwell - "Are you feeling alright?" Shawn asked with a deep curiosity and eager anticipation; to know if the transference was successful. I think so – I must sit for a moment. 

Her preceptor felt a deep sadness wash over her it was gut-wrenching – she felt low – so low. "I am leaving for the day Shawn – one of the other student term-managers will oversee your shift," her preceptor said in a monotone voice. The preceptor's co-workers were all abuzz with rumours – about why Melanie left this time! "I cannot believe she left again – what a mental case!" sneered one of her co-workers – it was like a snake pit – always in fear of being thrown in and attacked! There was no letting up for Melanie since her illness was exposed to the entire staff – it was an ongoing ordeal to try and keep up her professionalism in the eyes of her coworkers.

Shawn was in shock that for once she was not the object of ridicule – it was a completely different feeling – a role reversal. Wow...for once she felt ordinary – and it felt great! There was a feeling of a paradigm shift in the universe and there was, lives had been changed – then suddenly Tia appeared, “What do you think of the shift in roles? Tia asked, "I cannot believe the difference, it is great! Shawn enthusiastically exclaimed. That glaring spotlight of judgment and scrutiny was no longer an issue well...not for her anyway. Melanie her preceptor now had the burden of mental illness in her life – she was the one feeling the heaviness of mental illness – all-consuming.

Tia transported Shawn and herself to Melanie’s home - “What are we doing here?” Shawn asked. “You are here to confront Melanie about her depression. Shawn knocked on the door and waited for several minutes before Melanie came to the door and when she did her appearance was unkempt and dishevelled – she slowly peeked around the door and quietly asked with a heightened sense of paranoia in her voice, "Who sent you here to spy on me?" Shawn was taken aback at how much her once overbearing and unemphatic preceptor was now reduced to someone who was hurting mentally. "Do you now realize my struggle?" Shawn asked her preceptor. "Do you now know what it is like, not be able to just shake off the drudge and darkness of mental illness? Melanie paused for a moment before she responded to Shawn's questions...she started to cry uncontrollably and through her tears, she murmured, "I feel so alone – how did you ever; manage to get through this?" 

Shawn was surprised to be asked for advice and support especially from someone that ridiculed her and made her feel completely abandoned and pushed aside. "I worked hard to find the support and medical intervention that I needed for my type of mental illness – but it will always be a work in progress...you never know when someone may have a relapse” Melanie looked ashamed, "Shawn, I am so sorry for the way that I treated you about your illness – I never knew the pain and angst that you experienced until now"...Tia appeared and interjected, "You will always know Shawn's experience she was the one that gave you her experience” Melanie screamed and said, "What the hell is going on – where did you come from – Shawn what is happening!?" Shawn paused for a moment and leaned in close to Melanie and said, “Yes, the tables have turned I am now completely healed of my illness – it is gone – it has been totally wiped from my psyche and all of my mental strife has been projected onto you-you are now the vessel of my illness – my disorder.”

Melanie was confused, “You have been pulled into a parallel realm and will continue to live with this illness for the rest of your life!” said Tia. “You will never recover...welcome to your parallel realm! Melanie stood in shock and horror at the concept of this life sentence and fell to the ground, passing out from the shock of the whole situation. It was quiet and morning when Melanie awoke with a start she was unsure if what she experienced was real or a horrible nightmare. She looked around and realized it was true she was wearing the same clothes as the day before and she needed to take her medication.

 “I refuse to be shackled with this disease!” she grabbed herself a quick shower and went into the hospital. Melanie was determined to change the way the staff perceived her illness and tackle the stigma of it - she marched into the meeting room and demanded a meeting to discuss the matter. But the room was cold and calculating and everyone in the room looked at her like she had two heads – and brushed her pleas aside like she was invisible. One of them said, “Why don’t you just quit – leave you are not productive and bring nothing of value to the team anymore!” She continued to beg and plead with her colleagues but to no avail, they all regarded her as broken. 

She blinked and suddenly she was back in the meeting room again – just like twenty minutes earlier – it was like "Déjà vu” ...it was then Melanie realized that she was trapped in a parallel realm with no hope of ever leaving...this realization turned her hair white she faded into the background watching and attempting to talk to the others, but no one paid attention to her – it was like she was invisible. All were going about their day but without any acknowledgment of her presence. She was now feeling the backlash of her illness and what it was like to be in the shoes of her former student – it was paralleling and humiliating. 

She ended up taking a leave of absence – but she never did return...devastated and broken at losing everything she had worked so hard for – she found this unbearable. All she could hear repeatedly were the words that Shawn whispered in her hear that day, “Yes, the tables have turned I am now completely healed of my illness – it is gone – it has been totally wiped from my psyche and all of my mental strife has been projected onto you-you are now the vessel of my illness – my disorder.” 

The news of Melanie's apparent suicide travelled like wildfire through the halls of the hospital and it was not more evident than in her old department. Most of them were in shock some were visibly upset while others were completely unsympathetic to her passing. Tia was there taking it all in – the reaction of the others who doubted and brushed aside mental illness like it was a made-up excuse of an illness/disease...you see their time was at hand – very shortly they too, would be paid a visit from Tia...and be channelled and trapped forever in a parallel realm.