93 comments

General

Danny taps his card, prompting the metal door to open. Holding the bulging plastic bag with his left hand, he walks in and presses the button with the number 38 written on it. A girl follows him, pressing the button with number 40. Then the two wait for the elevator door to close.

Ten floors pass by. The girl pulls out her smartphone from the pocket of her dress and glues her eyes into the social media account.

Twenty floors pass by. Danny averts his vision from the girl, trying his best not to stare too much.

Thirty floors pass by. The elevator suddenly comes to a stop, yet the door stays closed. Danny glances at the floor display and realizes that the screen has gone blank.

Without instructions, both Danny and the girl look at each other in confusion.

“Is the lift… stuck?” the girl throws a question.

Danny presses the open button several times, yet the door stays closed. “It seems so.”

Upon hearing the reply, the girl starts to press every button from the top, hoping one of them can bring a change to the situation. Yet, nothing happens; the screen stays blank, the elevator stays immobile.

Until she presses the bell-shaped button beside the open button.

“How can we help?” a husky voice echoes inside the metal box.

“Hey, can you send a technician? We are stuck inside the elevator,” Danny lowers his face towards the holes below the bell-shaped button.

“Sure, please wait for a moment,” the voice replies.

The girl shoves Danny away, taking over to speak to the staff with a shaky voice. “Can you tell us how long until the technician is here?”

The voice stays silent for several moments before answering. “I’d say about an hour? But it depends on the traffic from the technician’s location to yours.”


---


Ten minutes inside, Danny leans his back on the right corner, while the girl stands at the other corner of the elevator. The two of them spend the time in silence; each busily fiddles with the mobile phone on hand.

From time to time, Danny glances over, unable to resist the urge to observe the girl stuck beside him. The girl has light brown hair, dark brown eyes and fair skin tone. With pastel blue coloured nail extensions, the dark blue short dress and the white sling bag, she completes her look.

The girl, as if she feels his eyes on her, turn her head towards Danny. Yet, without making any noise, she turns around and occupies herself with her phone once again.

And the two stay without letting out any voice.

Until a stomach rumble penetrates through the silence.

Danny lets out a chuckle. He pulls out a snack from his white plastic bag, slowly stretches it in front of the girl.

“Do you want to eat some snacks?”


---


Thirty minutes inside, the two of them are sitting at the elevator’s floor, with empty packaging surrounding them. Feeling slightly better from having a full stomach, Danny pulls out one last thing from his white plastic bag.

“I only have one, but feel free to have a drink. All those snacks must have been salty,” Danny stretches his hands, offering the bottled lemon tea for the girl.

“Oh, thank you!” The girl reaches out her hand towards the drink, right when Danny pulls his hands, moving the bottle behind his back.

“On one condition,” Danny grins playfully.

The girl pouts. “What?”

Danny keeps on smiling as he lets out his sentence. “Give me your contact.”

The girl eyes widened by the surprise request. She rolls her eyes, puts her hands under her chin, contemplates over the deal for a few second. 

“Social media is fine, right?”

Danny nods. 

The girl then pulls her smartphone, handing it onto Danny’s palm, gesturing to him to type his profile out.


---


Forty-five minutes inside, the elevator is now full of chatter, from which Danny learns about the girl in front of him, whose name is Jade.

From the social media account, he realizes that they are both the same age, twenty-two.

And going through the posts on social media, it turns out that they have many mutual friends, yet they never met with each other beforehand. 

On top of that, they are both students in the same university, although taking two different major.

“Why don’t we have lunch sometimes at university, then?” Danny asks suggestively. He slightly bites the bottom of his lips, nervously hoping that Jade agrees to his invitation.

“Yeah, sure,” the girl gives out her reply almost immediately, taking Danny aback with such a positive response.

“I mean…, if our schedule matches, sure,” she rephrases her sentence. Jade averts her face, but Danny could see the girl in front of him is blushing shyly.

And Danny could no longer hide the wide smile from his face.


---


One hour inside, the technician finally comes over. With his tools clinking against each other, he squats down on the first floor and quickly starts to disassemble the parts of the elevator.

“How is it looking?” The building manager comes over, then stands behind the man in the orange-coloured jumpsuit.

The technician lets out a sigh. “Honestly speaking, it is pretty bad. Do you have any idea on which floor the lift was stuck?”

The building manager ponders for a while. “I believe it was around thirty. Or maybe even higher.”

The technician puts his focus back on the machine in front of him. “Has there been any weird sound or anything from this elevator?”

“Some residents in the lobby mentioned that they heard a loud bang a few minutes before you came,” the building manager gives out her answer as she crosses her arm. Her face looks worried. 

“Then, it might be already too late.”

The technician no longer talks, but his hands move even faster.

And when the metal door is open, red splashes have filled the inside of the elevator.

Along with two lifeless bodies, sitting on the floor, hugging each other, with smiles painted over their face.


If only they were lying flat on their back to increase their chance of survival from a free-falling elevator.

July 09, 2020 09:42

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93 comments

Crystal Lewis
08:26 Jul 13, 2020

Woah did not expect that ending. How sad that their blossoming romance was cut short. I enjoyed reading it.

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Deborah Angevin
10:05 Jul 13, 2020

Glad that you enjoyed it, Crystal! :D

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Kathleen March
01:08 Jul 12, 2020

Oh dear, I didn't expect the ending, but guess it could have occurred that way. An elevator is the greatest place to situate a wait, because things can happen. In my case, it would be claustrophobia! Nice movement, ie, pacing, through the story.

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Deborah Angevin
11:04 Jul 12, 2020

Glad that you enjoyed the story (and I, obviously, hope this does not happen to anyone!).

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Nancy Drayce
10:22 Jul 11, 2020

Wow... you left me speechless... I didn't expect the story to end like it ended. When I was close to the ending, and read about the blood and their lifeless bodies, I had to reread few sentences back because I thought I have missed something. I didn't want them to die 😭😭 but over all great job, the story is amazing ♥

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Deborah Angevin
01:01 Jul 12, 2020

Glad I can surprise people with the ending hahaha! Thank you for enjoying it, Nancy! :)

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E. Jude
07:23 Jul 11, 2020

Ooooh! Now I never want to get caught in an elevator again. What a grasping tale, from beginning to end. I had to read the end twice because I couldn't believe they died. The idea is unique and you managed to write at a pleasant pace, that got me glued. Nice! I would love it if you could check out my stories too!!! XElsa

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Deborah Angevin
01:01 Jul 12, 2020

Thank you for enjoying it! I will read yours too for sure :)

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Corey Melin
21:30 Jul 10, 2020

Enjoyed the story until the end which is quite sad, but at least they had smiles on their faces. Great read.

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Deborah Angevin
21:41 Jul 10, 2020

Glad that you enjoyed it, Corey :)

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Madhurima Giri
14:53 Jul 10, 2020

Hi Deborah! I loved the story. It is really a sweet story. and I really loved the ending, It was very unexpected.

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Deborah Angevin
21:42 Jul 10, 2020

Thank you for reading and enjoying it, Madhurima :)

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Praveen Jagwani
10:22 Jul 10, 2020

Great story Deborah. Took me by surprise. Others have made good points about editing. A good way to think about editing is to evaluate the necessity of every single word. As a storyteller, you are painting a mental picture for the reader. Any wasteful extra word is like a brushstroke that distracts. It will get better with experience obviously. Some of it is simply using more descriptive words. For example. "sitting at the elevator’s floor, with empty packaging surrounding them." > strewn about them. Surrounding is right but suggests they ...

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Deborah Angevin
13:24 Jul 10, 2020

I am open to feedback and greatly appreciate your time to write one, Praveen! As I was reading it one more time, I have to agree that the "at the upper part of the door" sounds a bit stiff... so I smoothed it out! The smile at the end is just to indicate that both characters have been happy until the very last moment (the elevator fall happens real quick, after all!)

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Harken Void
08:08 Jul 10, 2020

Oh wow, I did not see that one coming! What a devastating twist, I feel sad for them. You've built up the relationship between them very well, making it authentic and believable - I could imagine something like this really happening. The dialogue was authentic and immersive, the descriptions just enough, not toom uch, not too little. I think you nailed both characters on point! While I wasn't paying atention to singular verbs and plural pronouns like the others pointed out, I did notice a swich from present to past tense once: "...the voice...

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Deborah Angevin
13:25 Jul 10, 2020

Thank you for reading and enjoying it, Harken! I changed the elevator voice to the correct tense as per your suggestion! :D

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Harken Void
13:56 Jul 10, 2020

Glad to help :)

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Raven Quill
03:45 Jul 10, 2020

OMG I LOVED THE VISUALS THIS GAVE!! Your stories are so beautifully dark, and I love it!! The end little quirk about the lying flat so was clever, and it kind of reminded me of the Dumb Ways to Die game. I can't wait to read more from you!!

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Deborah Angevin
07:15 Jul 10, 2020

Glad that you mentioned the game! I was thinking of that when writing it (mixed along with my personal experience stuck in an elevator too, though).

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Raven Quill
15:58 Jul 10, 2020

Oh wow that must have been terrifying, I'm glad you made it out ok to be able to write about it though!

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Deborah Angevin
21:46 Jul 10, 2020

The situation wasn't as terrifying as this story depicts, fortunately! (but, who knows, I might write another story based entirely on that!)

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Raven Quill
03:09 Jul 11, 2020

I would look forward to it :)

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01:51 Jul 10, 2020

Oh...my... God! I did not see that coming! Well written and with that twist... I'm at a loss for words. I did notice that you had him say "Give me your contact". I'm old...is that how you kids ask for a social media address? I think it might read better if you had him say something like "Can I "friend" you?", or something like that. I was half expecting this to turn into a spy caper. Also, when Danny asks Jade to have lunch with him, it should read ", Danny suggests. "Danny makes a suggestion." doesn't read well here. I know, picky, ...

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Deborah Angevin
07:18 Jul 10, 2020

Haha, glad that you enjoyed the story, Katharine! It does sound better to say "Give me your number", but knowing the age of the character... social media sounds more plausible to contact each other (to be honest, I even call people through social media nowadays!). Thank you for reading it and thank you for the feedback, though! :)

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נιмму 🤎
01:08 Jul 10, 2020

woah woahhh I did not expect that ending! they died what?? very good story and plot twist, Impressive! ;)

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Deborah Angevin
07:19 Jul 10, 2020

Glad that you enjoyed it, Celeste! :)

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Leya Newi
00:02 Jul 10, 2020

I'm here, like you asked me to be, and holy crap. I didn't expect that and I loved how you counted the amount of time they had been in the elevator. Well done.

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Leya Newi
21:29 Jul 09, 2020

I’m here like you asked, and holy crap. That was a crazy ending, and I loved how you counted the time they had been in the elevator.

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Deborah Angevin
07:19 Jul 10, 2020

Glad that I can surprise people with the ending! :D

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Peony P.
19:57 Jul 09, 2020

Oof...I was like, "this is such a cute story!" and then you hit me with that ending! I loved it!

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Deborah Angevin
20:55 Jul 09, 2020

Hahaha, I was thinking of giving them a happy ending, but... I figured I liked it better this way with a twist! :D

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17:04 Jul 09, 2020

Wow, that ending! This was great! I like how you separated the parts by time. The relationship between the girl and the boy was cute, but the ending! Ah! There were a few grammar mistakes throughout. You also could have used a few more descriptions of the elevator and the guy. The part where they opened the door was somewhat jarring and took me a second to realize they had fallen thirty or so floors, but was still well done and unexpected! Great job! Keep writing!

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Deborah Angevin
20:53 Jul 09, 2020

Thank you for reading it, Mackenzie! :)

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Katy S.
15:47 Jul 09, 2020

Great job! The twist was definitely unique! A few things could be improved, but I think all the other commenters caught those things. Keep writing!

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Deborah Angevin
20:54 Jul 09, 2020

Yup, edited the story now! Still the same twist, but with fewer mistakes :D. Feel free to let me know if you identify some more, though, I am open to feedback!

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Mila Van Niekerk
05:41 Apr 13, 2021

This is the second time I've read this story; I came back to it after a looonnggg time away from Reedsy becuase I remembered how much the ending shocked me. Even though I knew exactly what was going to happen, it still made me sad that they couldn't hang out afterwards , or get to know each other more or go out 😭 I do think there are a few things to point out, but other than that I love this story!!

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Deborah Angevin
10:51 Jun 25, 2021

I should probably do an alternate universe where the two of them finally get to hang out, hey?

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Mila Van Niekerk
10:55 Jun 25, 2021

You should!!

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Deborah Angevin
11:10 Jun 25, 2021

When I'm done with the colour series, then! :D

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Iona Cottle
23:50 Jul 23, 2020

A well-paced story. Personally the use of the word ‘girl’ to describe her made Danny’s actions seem creepy, as I’d assumed she was a child. Glad that we found out she was actually an adult!

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Unknown User
19:15 Jul 09, 2020

<removed by user>

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Deborah Angevin
20:55 Jul 09, 2020

Thanks for the review, Waverley! :)

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Sunny 🌼
01:42 Nov 28, 2020

Awww man. They were supposed to escape the elevator and eat lunch and become closer and then develop feelings for each other and then get together. Darn, you free-falling elevator!

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Deborah Angevin
11:14 Jun 25, 2021

I might make a parallel universe story for the two... wait for it!

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Sunny 🌼
02:34 Jun 26, 2021

Ohhhh nice!

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Sunny 🌼
02:34 Jun 26, 2021

Ohhhh nice!

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