Time Shared

Sunglasses, check. Bathing suit, check. Vibrator, check. This is going to be exactly what I need. In the last six months, I have traveled to 12 different countries, all on business. Commercial flights, cheap hotels, and lots and lots of driving. Reports to be written, butts to be kissed, and not enough me-time! The last time I was on vacation was over a year ago, and I honestly don’t think that was much of a get-away. Unless, you count being stuck in Jamaica for two days because I couldn't find my passport. The men there, gorgeous.

Anyway, my mom thought it would be nice for me to finally take a real vacation. She told me she got me the sweetest room at this hotel that’s supposed to have, like, four star reviews. And she got it at a bargain price, can you believe that? So, if anybody needs me, they can kiss my sun tan when I get back. I am going to be wining and dining like my life depends on it. The best part is, I’M GOING OFF THE GRID, BABY! I’m not even going to bring my laptop or my phone charger. Yup, it’s that kind of vacay.

I will finally be getting the alone time I so desperately need. My mom sent me pictures of this place and let me tell you, it is absolutely to die for. My suite is huge, and it has a bathtub that would make you want to stay there for the rest of your life. You know, like with the jets. I know, you’re envious. I don’t blame you, I would be too.

I already have the entire thing planned out. I’m going to arrive at 5:00 on the dot, have my bags taken up to my room as I order their best red wine from the bar. Maybe a bottle of champagne to celebrate this memorable occasion. Because nothing says “memorable” like champagne. After that, I will make my way to my room, possibly picking up the most handsome gentleman I can find on my way. We’ll have a make-out session in the elevator, of course, getting hotter and heavier as we close in on my room. Then, I’ll set up the champagne and we’ll pop that bad boy open. One thing will lead to another and the next thing I know, I’ll be waking up with a slight headache the next morning ready to soak in that perfect bathtub. (I’m even packing a few bath bombs for the occasion.)

When I say this is going to be the best two weeks of my life, there is no exaggeration. The restaurant in this hotel is supposedly one of the best on the island, so you know I’m going to be there every night, with a new gentleman on my arm. That’s how you make an expensive trip into a less expensive one. (Oh, you thought I was buying these men dinner? Joke’s on you.) But let's face it, these people don’t know me. If there was ever a time to wild out, the time is now.

Of course, my whole trip won’t just be about sex, but it has been a while, so a good portion of the trip will definitely be dedicated to the activity. And I’m going to spend a little me time too(I know you saw my checklist.)

The just of the matter is that I’m going to turn up! I’m only 26 years old, I’ve still got a banging body and only a few years left for this behavior to be acceptable. So, bear with me because, yes, if you live vicariously through me throughout this experience, you will have the time of your life too.

My flight was perfect, it is 4:20 and everything is going according to the plan. My driver just arrived to take me to my hotel on the other side of the city, and I should be arriving exactly on time. I can already feel the relaxation in my bones. I’ve called ahead for my wine and champagne to be delivered to my room as soon as I get there. My tinder date should be arriving right about now.

Yes, the doors to my vacation call me as I push through them. Jadon365 awaits. The bellboy takes my bags, I go to the desk to check in. As the clerk hands me my key, he begins to try to talk to me about my stay. And I don’t want to be rude, but he is messing with my timing. He’s yelling something as I continue to the elevator with Jadon365. Our make-out session is getting so hot, I can’t stand it. The elevator opens, and we make our way to my room which is right across the hall. The champagne and wine are sitting outside the door. I push my key in so fast, highly anticipating my turn up. Grab the bottles, as Jadon grabs me. Everything is perfect.

We’ve popped the champagne, cheers and down our first glass. We make our way to the bed and just when things are about to pick up, my door swings open. We both jump to our feet.

“What the hell!? How did you get a key to this room?” I yell as I pull my dress down.

“Don’t stop on my account. I’ll just come back when you’re done,” he mutters.

“I said, how did you get a key?!”

“From the front desk just like you. Didn’t you know we’re sharing the room?”

“The hell if we are.”

I grab my key, tell Jadon to wait right there and rush to the front desk to see if I could speak with a manager about why they gave my key to some rando. I demand to speak with a manager and the clerk explains to me that he tried to inform me on the rooming situation, but that I was quick to settle. The manager meets me after a few minutes and I ask him what in the hell is going on.

“You signed up for our 30% off, two week time share. It’s a program we started for those looking for new love, hoping we could bring a couple together,” he explains. “It was directly mentioned in the terms and agreements. You’re free to leave when you’d like, however, there will not be a refund.”

Then, I realize how often my mom has been pushing me to find a husband in these last few months and it all made sense. She set me up.

I debate leaving, but I just need this vacation so badly. How was I going to enjoy these next two weeks with a complete stranger by my side.

I make my way back to my suite, hoping I’d come up with some elaborate solution. After discussing the matter with my date, Jadon365 grabs his things and leaves after explaining that things were getting too weird for him.

The door shut behind him and my roomie began to undress.

“We could finish where the two of you left off, if you want,” he says smugly.

“Not a chance,” I spit, as I pick up his shirt and throw it at him.

I express to him that if this was going to be our situation for the next two weeks, that we were going to need to set some boundaries. You know, because this man already ruined my entire vacation and all. I make it clear that I would get the bed, and he’d get the couch or the floor if he so desired.

He begins to pour himself a glass of champagne as I was speaking to him, then hands me one, as well. I tell him that I am not looking for love, nor a roommate for that matter. So, we just decide to talk. We make our way through both, the bottle of wine and the bottle of champagne. To my surprise this guy isn’t all that bad. After a nice long drunken chat and 21 questions, I tell him I am going to see what that tub was made of. As I run the water, I grab my bag and search through it, looking for the perfect bath bomb for my mood. I throw my bag to the side after finding a lavender scented bomb. Then, I headed to heaven.

Let me tell you, they might have had me messed up with the whole “roomie” deal, but they did not lie about this bath tub. After soaking for literally an hour, I come out in my nightgown ready for the best sleep of my entire year. As I hop in the bed, which was very comfortable I might add, I notice that my bag is still open. I glance over at my roommate to see him with a huge grin on his face, swinging around my vibrator.

“You went through my stuff?!” I yell as I jump from the bed to snatch it from his hands.

“Maybe. I just thought since we were getting so close, you wouldn’t mind.” He laughed as he played “keep away” with my device. I chase him all around our suite trying to get it back. Frustration led to playfulness, as he began turning it off and on, taunting me. Let me just remind you, we are nowhere near sober at this point.

I jump on his back as he flips me over and tackles me to the ground. We both crack up as he lies over me, dangling the device in my face. He begins to rub my shoulder, making his way down my body. He flips the vibrator on as he moves it around my upper thigh. This took a turn, I was not expecting. As soon as I believe something is about to happen, there is a knock at the door.

“Room service,” they exclaim.

With heavy breath, I try to stand, but he puts a finger over my lips and says, “You stay right there.”

Me, being all exposed in my nightgown, I was looking for something to cover up with while he opened the door. Before I can pull something over me, he opens the door and my mother busts through.

She shields her eyes and screams as if she was the one indecently exposed. I shuffle to my feet to grab the blanket off of the bed.

“Mom! What the hell are you doing here!?”

She laughs as she takes a seat on the bed, checking out the room around her.

“This is nice!” She peaks in the bathroom. “And oh my gosh, this bathroom. Look at that tub!”

I ask her again what she is doing here. And she explains that she wanted to see if I had hit it off with my new roomie. I pull her out into the hall.

“Mother, I can not believe you did this to me!”

“Well it seems to be working out pretty well, eh?” She says as she elbows me in the arm.

“Stop that! I can find a man on my own. I didn’t need you to do this! And how did you know I would stay?”

“Look at you. You needed this vacation, you weren’t going anywhere.”

I tell her to leave, and I make my way back into the suite. I explain to my roommate that my mother is clinically crazy, and that I should probably just go to bed. To my surprise, he doesn’t argue, but grabs his blanket and heads for the couch. I tell him, I don’t mind if he lays in the bed for the night. With the lights out, we still have plenty to talk about.

A lot about this trip turned out completely different than I was hoping or imagined. The one thing that remained true to my imagination was the fact that I did indeed wake to a headache the next morning and soaked in that glorious tub. Who would have thought, though, that I’d have a handsome man to keep me company the entire time.

We went for dinner all throughout the next two weeks, on him, of course. Bumped into each night. Had wonderful conversations and debates. And spent some time in the sun and on the beach. When the two weeks concluded, I decided that this vacation was indeed, well deserved and needed. And that my mom may have literally made my life better with the purchase of this deal.

Not only did I go home with great memories, but I went home with a man. Roman was his name, for those who were wondering. And as for me and Roman now? We bought a hotel that only offers a timeshare deal for those looking for love. Yes, it was a terrible investment and cost us our relationship because he found a new love at our hotel. But, I wrote a story about how we met and how we ended, and it became a best-seller. Does he want royalties? Yes. Is he going to get them? No, that cheating pig.

If you see him, tell him his ex says ‘Hi’ from the top. Kisses.