Santa's Little Un-Helper

You ever felt like the people you associated with didn’t understand you? Like they desperately wanted to know your likes, quirks, personality, but they just… didn’t? Yeah, I get that a lot. This morning of mornings, though, was pretty special. You see, I had just finished my usual morning routine of a scalding hot bath, a steaming mug of joe, and a quick breakfast of smoked bacon and eggs. I took one step out of my room, ready to enjoy another day of fun in the sun, when on my doorstep I saw…

Wait for it…

A gift.

Yes, a gift. A small box cheerfully wrapped in bright red paper with a white satin bow tied around it.

Why, I’d never seen something so… so… repugnant… before. I simply could not believe my eyes. Who would leave such a thing on my doorstep? Was someone playing a prank on me?

After carefully checking all over this… gift… for a card or anything that would indicate who it was from or who it was even for, I decided to be the good, well-behaved individual that I was and opened it, right then and there. And do you know what was inside this box? Go ahead, I’ll give you a guess.

No, it wasn’t that head massager you’ve been wanting all year, nor was it that fancy-pancy back scratcher that we’ve all been dying to own for just about our entire lives. No, it was a pair of socks.

Socks? Say you.

Aye. Socks. Thick. Fluffy. White. Socks.

Well, what could possibly be so bad about socks? You ask.

Allow me to enlighten you:

You see, I’m an imp. I live in Krampus’s Workshop, located in the South Pole. With all the other imps in the Imp District. And let me tell you, I’m a very good little imp. The absolute best. No one is more well behaved than I am. I do all the things we’re supposed to do throughout the year - spreading mischief and mayhem and pranking unsuspecting victims. And when we’re done causing problems, we sniff out an unfortunate individual to take the blame for it all, thus resulting in all their Christmas presents for that year being a literal ton of coal.

What? You think that’s not nice? You think we should all try to be little devils like the elves? No thank you. Besides, what fun is it to have to sing those obnoxiously jovial songs all the time? Or skippity-hop here and there like a demented bunny? Or even make these… weird… presents for children who haven’t earned them?

I’m telling you, if I had to refrain from stubbing the toes of every individual I crossed paths with, I’d lose it.

So when I opened this box and found these socks (hey, that rhymed!), I was quite appalled. Seriously, who would send me such a thing? And why?

Yes, yes, it was Christmas Eve. Yes, this was the day (night?) all assortment of presents would be delivered to the “good” children - and coal to the “bad” children. I’d heard that Santa’s elves would get a… reward… (yuck!) for all their boring work. But us imps… we usually didn’t get anything. But if we were really, really good, we would sometimes get fifty lashes. Those were the best.

Anyway, I started thinking to myself of all the cretins who would dare leave such a thing on my doorstep. Krampus? Ugh, what a horrid thought. I’d just as soon prefer a mildly uncomfortable compliment than want to accept a pair of socks from that guy. Still, he was the ruler of this place, and anything we received was likely to come straight from him.

So, after stuffing those abominable socks as far down my pants as I could manage, I set out down the hellishly cold, snowy street to Krampus’ Mansion. I walked on up to his door and pounded on it until it finally opened. Surprisingly, it was Krampus himself who stood before me. I marveled at the fact that one of his servants didn’t open the door. And for a brief moment I couldn’t even remember why I had gone up there.

Something in the way he screamed at me to stop bothering him and get back to work brought me back to my senses.

But then when I showed him the strange offering I had received and demanded an answer, he vehemently denied having anything to do with such an atrocity. Man, you should have seen the look on his face! I don’t think I’ve ever seen such hatred in his eyes before. And then he accused me of accusing him of blasphemy. Why I’d never do such a thing!

Well, I would… but… you know what I mean!

So, anyway, he punted me off the front porch and into a nearby tree and slammed the door.

At that moment, another imp came wandering by. They took one look at me as I fell out of the tree, saw the socks clutched in my hand, and ran screaming for the hills. Sheesh, what was his problem?

Now what was I to do? I wondered, but then it suddenly occurred to me that maybe one of my dearest frenemies had done this. I then trotted along to see if I could find any of them. They’re never easy to track down, but once I did I asked each and every one of them if they had any knowledge of this “present” I had received. As soon as the word ‘socks’ left my mouth, they all scampered away and pretended I didn’t even exist! What nerve! And no matter the promises of misfortune to come their way, I could not get them to acknowledge me anymore.

So then I was really at a loss as to what to do. Where do I go? Who do I blame for leaving this thing on my doorstep? The more I questioned the situation, the more I began to wonder if this was all just a practical joke. Just to get me all riled up, and that the gift meant absolutely nothing? Or, perhaps, it was delivered to my house by mistake. An elf, lost and confused, thinking that the Imp District of the factory was the place to be. But, I quickly reminded myself, that had never happened before. Elves are far too observant to do something as foolish as that. No. This was deliberate. And I was going to figure this out.

The only other unfortunate victim I could think to accost… was Santa himself. I really didn’t want to think that the socks could have come from him, but the more I thought about it the more likely it seemed. He was just so damn jolly all the time, and always seemed to want to be friends with literally everyone.

Blech.

So I jumped into Krampus’s sleigh and flew all the way across the world, to the North Pole. To the place where he lived. I crashed the sleigh in the most inconvenient spot I could find, much to the dismay of about a hundred annoying elves, and made my way on over to Santa’s Castle.

I marched right on up to the gargantuan door to the gargantuan castle he called a house, and pounded on the solid oak as hard as I could. Silence followed, so I tried again. A moment later, the door opened and a gust of warm, heady air buffeted me, nearly knocking me off my feet.

There he stood. About five thousand feet tall, he towered over me. I had to crane my neck just to see the tip of his nose.

He glanced around, apparently not able to see me over his rotund figure. “Hello?” He said.

I cleared my throat. “Down here.”

Santa finally looked down, starting in surprise when he saw me. “Oh, there you are. Sorry, little fella. You’re just so small, I didn’t see you.”

I narrowed my gaze at him. As if it were really that much different than when an elf knocked on his door - they were barely a foot taller than us imps!

“I would expect nothing less of someone as hefty as yourself,” I sneered. “I only have one complaint on this visit. Do you know anything about these?” I threw the socks to the ground at his feet. He leaned forward to get a look at them, his large frame wobbling uncertainly under its own weight.

A sickeningly jolly grin stretched across his face. “Why, yes, in fact I do. I sent you those socks.”

The whole world screeched to a halt. All I could do was stare at him in horror. How could this be? Why would he even think it was a good idea to give the universe’s softest, fluffiest, whitest socks to an imp? Did he forget what we were, and what we were created to do?

Did any other imps get this same “gift”?

“Why?” I snarled acidly.

And do you know what that blundering oaf had the audacity to say to me?

“You deserve it.”

My jaw hit the sidewalk. So smug, so sure of himself. What kind of a pompous, narcissistic fool could -

Wait a minute.

Was he being serious?

I narrowed my gaze at him, trying to get a read on him. But he just smiled that wide, nauseatingly sweet smile at me and patted me on my head.

“You imps think that you have to be bad and cause so much pain and misfortune for others. But that is just not true. I wanted to demonstrate to you that you can be different, if you so desire. You have, after all, been nicer this year than you have in the past.”

What! No, I hadn’t… Had I? Oh man, now he had me second guessing myself. But if that’s really what he thought, then he didn’t know us at all! We were meant for this type of life - in fact, we loved it! Never had I been more insulted than in that moment.

“How dare you,” I hissed.

He shrugged, but never stopped smiling, even as he said, “Something to think about, yeah? I gotta get going now, though. Lots of presents to deliver. I’ll see you around.” He winked at me, and closed the door right in my face.

Now I really didn’t know what to do. I had my answer, yet no real solution to my problem. What was I supposed to do to prove to Santa that I was just like the other imps, but better? Set his house on fire?

Say, that didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Another thing you should know about us imps: we’re pyromaniacs. So, when tempted, or when the opportunity arises, we will definitely set something on fire. And that’s exactly what I did to Santa’s house. Using the socks he had given me and a spare match I kept tucked away behind my ear.

I stood back a ways, watching in fascination as the building quickly became engulfed in flames. It really didn’t take long for them to figure out that the house was on fire, or even who did it. Of course, when they confronted me, I pointed at some random elf wandering by and blamed them. Not that anyone would have believed me, but what did it matter?

I live for this kind of stuff.

I don’t think it needs to be stated what happened after that, but I’ll tell you anyways. Santa was very obviously not happy, and the elf that I tried to blame was given a week off from work as well as a free mental health check-up. I, on the other hand, was shipped right back to the South Pole, given an eternal ban from the North Pole, and received ten thousand lashes - not delivered all at once, mind you! But over the course of several weeks. Much to my dismay. Oh well. I don’t think I could’ve asked for a better prize, though. It made up for the nasty surprise I’d found on my doorstep.

And now Santa will think twice about ever giving an imp something “nice”.

What, you didn’t think I was going to tell you a happy story, did you? Hah, amateur!

Just wait until next year, when I’ll have an even better story to tell!