Fiction Funny

As far as the neighbours knew she could be dead. Ten years she had been in that room and no one had ever questioned it. Why had no one ever wondered was she under the shed dead. Was she really that unmissed by society that no one cared at all?

I know she thought I will creep out at night when everyone is asleep and go wild in the street, rob the bakery, swing my knickers in the air and leave my mark on the landscape.

Tonight was the night, it was a school night so the kids were in bed and her husband who now slept downstairs (so she wouldn’t be disturbed) had nodded off not long after them. Tomorrow was bin day too so any extra noise wouldn’t cause any interest.

It was a cool clear night and not much traffic considering it was a main road. Most of the neighbours were either in bed or huddled up behind their curtains watching the TV. No one would see or hear her she was sure.

So what to do when she escaped? Something childish and silly that would get people talking. Maybe swapping the neighbours door numbers and car registration plates. Putting traffic cones (where do they come from and why have they all congregated on this street?) in their driveways and hiding their wheelie bins.

What to wear? It had been so long since she’d left the house she was going to make it special, also if she got nabbed by the cops it would help if she didn’t look like a mental patient who had escaped in her week old pyjamas and holey cardigan. Should she wear makeup? Did they do mug shots still? Yes makeup must be worn she was going out after all.

She set about laying out her clothes, all black of course. Her black jeggings had been bought for the holiday they were supposed to have for their 25th wedding anniversary until covid hit. Black t-shirt and black coatigan. Her black baseball cap did have Squeeze (the band) embroidered on the front but as it was a darkish blue it didn’t stand out. The ensemble was finished off with her black emu boots, warm and comfy.

Next what to do for her makeup? Hmmmm she had so much to choose from this could take some time. She decided as she was in all black she would go with a black smokey eye and nude lip, even though she would be wearing a black mask and no one (if she happened to bump into anyone)would see. She would usually be full colour but tonight wasn’t the time for that.

She would need a kit for her shenanigans so set about finding her small black cross body bag and put in a multi head screwdriver, a black sharpie marker, a Stanley knife and some glue.

Now all she had to do was get dressed and made up. She started to worry would she get half way ready and be worn out as was the case usually with her illness, but it must have been the adrenalin and thought of being naughty as she was raring to go.

Then she worried would she be able to keep a straight face if her husband heard the neighbours talking and told her what had happened. She didn’t do lying so that was a worry, but, she reasoned that she could tell him, and then they would both laugh about it together.

It’s amazing how now she heard every slight noise in the house and was convinced someone was going to catch her mid dressing. She popped out of her bedroom every so often to listen and could hear the soft snores coming from all the rooms in the house.

Right I’m ready she thought, it’s now or never. She put her coffee cup out onto the ottoman on the landing which was her sign for when she was going to sleep and she knew no one would go into her bedroom when they saw that.

She crept down the stairs her heart jumping out of her chest with a mixture of fear and excitement at what she was about to do. She unlocked the front door and closed it quietly behind her. She stood on the gravel in the front garden and breathed in the fresh night air. Not a living soul was out; she was alone in the night about to have some fun.

First her next door neighbours, she could quite easily turn their 83 on their wheelie bin to 88 and shove it a bit further up the road. People were so territorial about their bins it would be fun to light the blue touch paper and stand well back. She started to giggle to herself, this was so childish but oh so much fun.

Then the neighbours opposite she decided to take the solar powered lights that were strung over the lean to at the side of the house and drape them over the car. Then, turn the A55H0IF license plate into “asshole” with her sharpie marker. She’d always thought arsehole every time shed seen him driving in or out.

She then decided to pay a visit to the bakery on the corner. They always left the large back doors open to let a breeze blow through the shop while they baked the days bread downstairs and she wondered if she would be able to slip inside unseen.

On the way down the road she decided to scrawl I WOZ ERE on a front door with her sharpie and glue the letterbox shut, could she get arrested for this? Then she put two traffic cones on the pillars either side of the posh neighbours gate, then unscrewed the gate and hid it up the side of their neighbours house, that should cause a conversation at the very least.

She got to the bakery and wandered down the path along the side of the building, she heard two of the bakers chatting as they had a smoke break, perfect she thought and waited till they finished and went back down to the ovens. Now there is no turning back she thought.

She slipped into the bakery shop and found some of the cakes and bread had been placed in the shop to cool before being displayed for sale. There were a plethora of delicious cakes all laid out along the counter, it’d be rude not to she thought. So in a final act of rebellion she moved a few things around and bagged up some jam doughnuts to eat on the walk back to her house.

The following morning the baker had no idea why the cherry bakewells and cream horns had been moved into provocative designs and by who, while a few doors away someone was sleeping off a huge sugar rush!

June 05, 2021 22:08

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12:40 Jun 18, 2021

pretty story, jools! :D.


Jools .
15:35 Jun 19, 2021

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment :0) xx


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15:04 Jun 13, 2021

I loved it.


Jools .
15:31 Jun 13, 2021

Thank you :0) xx


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