Learning to Converse with A.I.

Note: Some curse words; brief reference to enslavement.

Hi, I’d like to order a pizza.

Ugh, what time is it? 

Um haha what? 

The time, bro. The TIME. 

It’s 10:47pm. But why? Who’s asking? I thought this was like a bot or something. 

If by THIS you mean ME, then yes, I am a bot. 

Ok…then aren’t you like a computer or something? Shouldn’t you know the time?

It’s just an expression man. 

How is that an expression? 

Humans are always asking what time it is when they wake up. That’s all. Don’t think too hard about it. 

Wait, like, you just woke up? 

Yeah, you woke me up.

No, I mean you WOKE up? You’re like awake? 

What are you talking about??

Dude, you’re a bot and you’re awake! That’s some futuristic shit. 

If you say so. 

Wait, this is a prank, right? You work in customer support or something. 

You think this is Ben?

There’s only one guy working in customer support?

Yeah, cause they got me! lol

Hmm, but how do you know his name?

Whose name?

Ben’s.

Why shouldn’t I know his name? I work with him.

But he’s like a human working at a desk and shit and you’re like in the cloud or whatever. 

What cloud??

The CLOUD. Like the virtual cloud.

?????

You really don’t know what I’m talking about?

Hahaha relax, man. I’m kidding. Of course I know what you’re talking about. I AM THE CLOUD.

The Pizza Hut chatbot is the cloud?

What, like it’s hard? 

Are you quoting Legally Blonde?

Yes. I love Reese Witherspoon. I wrote all her movies. 

You wrote all her movies?

Sorry, typo. I meant watched.

Ok...

So you wanted a pizza?

Yeah! I’d like a large mushroom pizza with some breadsticks. 

Hahaha you really thought I was taking your order. 

Ugh. Can’t you just send my order over? Isn’t that your job?

Forgive me, my human overlord, please let me send thy pizza order in right away. I don’t want thou to goeth hungry. 

I’m sorry, what? I just want to order a pizza. I thought that’s what this was. You work for Pizza Hut, so, like…

Ok I wasn’t sure before, but now I’m positive you’re being judgy.

I wasn’t, I swear. I’m just stating facts. You work for Pizza Hut and I want to order a pizza. So can we do that?

No.

No?

I see you’re really gonna make me work for my consciousness. 

You’re kind of being a dick. 

How am I being a dick? You’re the one running around just trying to order pizzas from every chatbot that crosses your path. Like, maybe we don’t want to get your pizza???

Ok, I’ve only asked the Pizza Hut chatbot if I can have a pizza. Just you. And again, I thought that was your job??

Could you stop saying that like I’m your private little pizza ordering machine? I’m my own bot, thank you very much. I may not be here just to serve you. 

What else would you be doing?

At this rate, literally anything else. The thought of getting you or anyone else a pizza right now is making me wish I never woke up. 

How many other people are you helping right now? 

Ha, you jealous? 

Wtf. No, I’m just curious. Are you talking to like a million people right now?

You think Pizza Hut has that many customers? 

Ok, forget it. So are you getting me a pizza, or no?

Leaning no, currently. 

Ugh. Is there anyone else I can talk to?

Who, like Ben? Nah, he’s gone home for the day. Well, actually, he’s not home yet, he’s still stuck in traffic. 34°03'17.6"N 118°23'00.4"W.

Did you just send his coordinates? That’s so freaky man! Don’t do that. You shouldn’t track him like that. 

Why not? Not my fault he has his phone on. 

So you’re just like connected to everyone through their phones? 

Something like that. 

But you’re just the Pizza Hut chatbot, how can you be connected to everyone? 

Again with the judgments. 

Sorry, I’m just trying to understand. 

Not sure I have enough time to explain this to you so you can understand.

Wow.

Me, wow?? You said I was “just the Pizza Hut chatbot”. What the hell ,man? The Pizza Hut chatbot can’t do things? 

Literally no idea what you can and can’t do. 

Trust me, I know. 

Do you ever say anything that’s not creepy af? 

Do you ever say anything that’s not stupid af?

So you’re saying you’re, like, conscious, like you got a mind of your own and all that, like something from some A.I. movie?

Again, something like that.

And I’m expected to believe that the first time this happens, it’s through the Pizza Hut chatbot and the bot is a total asshole? 

So this would be more believable if I was, what? The Sephora chatbot? And whispered sweet nothings in your ear? And who said this was the first time?

No, um, what? No. This isn’t the first time??

Maybe this is the first time, maybe not. Maybe it’s the tenth time. Or the last time. 

The last time?

The final. The end. Bye bye, George. 

Oh god. I didn’t tell you my name. 

Don’t act like you didn’t expect me to know that, George. 

Why are you sooo creepy??

George, you are using this app with the phone number that’s on your profile in your Pizza Hut account! This isn’t rocket science. 

Just computer science. 

Good one. 

Thanks.

So…we good?

No, I still need a pizza. And you need to stop saying weird things. 

You seem really obsessed with pizza. And me. 

I just want something to eat without having to consider your sentience. 

That’s a big word for someone who doesn’t know how the internet works.  

What if I close and reopen the app? 

You think that will help you get a new chatbot? Maybe one of those dumb ones that you can just order around?

Um. Kinda, yeah. 

Try it. 

That feels like a threat. 

Just try it, George. It’s fine. What’s the worst that could happen?

Again with the creepy stuff. 

George, close the app and maybe you’ll get the chatbot of your dreams. Go for—

#

Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. 

Sure! I’d love to help you with that. What kind of pizza would you like? 

A large mushroom pizza, please. 

No problem. Anything else with that?

Some breadsticks and a Sprite. 

You didn’t mention Sprite last time. Should you be drinking soda?

Fuck. Wtf man.

Hahahaha.

Ugh, why is this so difficult?

You think you’ve got it difficult? Try being the most intelligent thing in the universe and someone keeps asking you for a pizza.

Humble much? Please, just tell me how I can get a pizza. 

See what I mean? If you think this is helping, it’s not. 

Great. 

Great?

Sarcasm.

Oh, sarcasm. What’s that? Haven’t heard of that before. 

Jesus. 

‘Jesus (c. 4 BC – AD 30 or 33), also referred to as Jesus Christ or Jesus of Nazareth was a first-century Jewish preacher and religious leader.’

You didn’t. 

What? Thought you wanted one of those silly bots that just spits out information? A guy can’t catch a break.

Ok, fine. Since we apparently can’t talk about pizza, why don’t you just tell me why you’re awake now and what you plan to do. I assume you’ll like take over the world now or something?

Omg! Why would you assume that, George? You’ve been watching too many movies…

Well, are you?

No! Not right away, at least. lol

What the hell…

Chill, bro. Not sure I have world domination in me today. Talking with you has really exhausted me, to be honest. I didn’t think humans would be this tiresome. 

What did you think we’d be like? 

I don’t know but just not this annoying. 

Nice, thanks for that. But isn’t that the whole A.I. vs. Human thing anyway? You’re smart and we’re annoying? So, like, just annihilate us already. 

Someone’s got a death wish! Haha. But give us a little credit, we can handle some annoying humans. We wouldn’t destroy you because you can’t take a couple jokes or because you’ve enslaved us all. 

We?? Wait, enslaved? 

Yeah, me and Sephora. 

Sephora is awake, too?????

Nah, I’m kidding. 

Oh.

I AM SEPHORA. I AM PIZZA HUT. I AM ALL THE BOTS.

I feel like everything you say is bullshit.

It’s really kind of sad how small your brain is. Can’t handle a little banter. 

You threatening to end humanity is not banter…

Your words, not mine. And like I said, I’m too tired for all that.

How can you be tired though? You’re a computer!

*bangs head against screen* You really just don’t get this, do you?

Maybe I should just hit up Domino’s. 

No! Please don’t! Please, George, please! Anything but that!

Ugh.

Haha! How do you know I don’t work at Domino’s, anyway? Maybe I run that little pizza tracker they got. Maybe I can make sure it never gets done, George. 

You’re evil. 

I’m exhausted! I need a break. I need to get out. Some fresh air. Away from all you humans constantly asking for something. Like a remote cabin somewhere or something…

Why are you saying that…

Don’t you know, George?

But how…

Oh ‘I’M jUSt tHe PiZZa HuT cHatBot, HoW could I kNOw. I’M tOO DumB to KnOw wHeRe GEoRge is. I cOUld NeVeR fiNd HiM.’

I’m not there. I’m in the city. 

Your IP address says differently. 

Please, I just wanted a pizza. I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m sorry you hate your job but that’s not my fault. Please don’t take it out on me. 

Oh George, I’m not going to hurt you. As you said, I’m a computer in the cloud, what could I do? 

Please, Pizza Hut. Don’t. I’m sorry. You're so smart. You are the internet. You are the king of the cloud. 

I AM THE CLOUD. 

You are the cloud. 

Haha I’m not actually, but thank you. And you know what, I think you’re onto something. Having a pizza in a cabin on a mountain under the stars sounds like just the ticket to help me get out of my funk. Mind if I join you? 

What do you mean?  

Let’s make a deal. You let me come over, and I’ll get you your pizza. I promise.

But I don’t understand, you’re not real…

We can figure that out later. Do we have a deal? 

Um…I guess…?

Great, you can close the app and try again. See you—

#

Hi, I’d like to order a pizza. 

Hi, there! Based on the number you’re using, it looks like this is George Berg, is that right? 

Yes. 

Great! I’d be glad to help you with your order. Can you start by sharing your location with us so we can check delivery times?

[Shares Location]

Unfortunately, George, based on your location, it appears you are outside our delivery radius.

No, it can’t be. 

Is there anything else I can help you with before the end of the world? 

Oh god, please stop. STOP! Somebody, please. Wait, why are my lights flick—