The Clerk, The Snob, The Key

By Rebecca Corbeil

“Hi. How can I help you today?”

“I’m here to get my dry cleaning.”

"Do you have your claim ticket?”

“Are you kidding me? Let me look in my purse. I’m in a real hurry. This is so stupid… Look, I can’t find it, just get my clothes. They’ll be easy to find, they’re probably the nicest clothes that have ever been in this store.”

“Ok. I’ll need your name and some kind of photo identification.”

“Kimberly Thompson. Would you hurry things along, ’cause I really don’t have time for this? Do you really need ID?”

“Yes I do.”

“Just go get my cleaning while I look for my license. It’ll save time. There should be three mens suits, one evening dress, and two blouses.”

“I’ll be right back.”

“Here it is. I’ve found my license. Could you move any slower? What is taking so long back there? Some of us have busy lives. How hard is it to look for a name anyway? I have a hair and make-up appointment, I can’t be late.”

“Here you go ma’am. Just let me look at your license real quick. I’ll need you to sign the book too.”

“Obviously I am NOT old enough to be a ma’am. We’re probably the same age. Just give me a second, I want to get a better look at them. The last time I was here you shrunk a shirt and one of my dresses had a stain. I wasn’t going to bring my cleaning back here, but decided to give you one last chance. We have an important party tonight and the dress I want to wear had better be here, undamaged.”

“That will be $95.79.”

“Just a minute. It’s a shame I didn’t have time to find a new dry cleaner. One, two, three. There’s my dress. You would never be able to guess how expensive this dress is. It looks even better on. No damage, good.”

“$95.79.”

“Yes. Yes. What’s this stapled here?”

“That envelope is for items found in pockets. I don’t know what’s inside.”

“There’s a big lump here. Let me open it. Mmmm. This isn’t mine. You’ve made a mistake. Why am I not surprised? This is some sort of hotel key, there is no way this is ours.”

“Before we sort clothes the first thing we do is go through the pockets to make sure there’s nothing inside that will damage the clothes or machines.”

“I know that. My husband and I always check our pockets, because we don’t want to leave anything valuable with you.”

“I assure you we are very honest and put aside whatever we find.”

“Then why do you have a sign announcing you’re not responsible for lost or damaged items? My guess is staff are tempted to keep what they find from time to time.”

“It’s just a disclaimer.”

“This key tag says it’s from The Old Inn Bed and Breakfast, the address is some town in Maine. My husband and I have never been to a bed and breakfast, let alone Maine. We stay at five star hotels when we travel. We never stay in small towns either. So incredibly dull. Where did this key come from? You should get it back to whoever it belongs to.”

“Well, uh, I don’t know. Like I already said, we go through the pockets. If we find anything, we put it in an envelope, staple it to the tags, and keep it with the clothes they came with. So I can say, with some certainty, it came from a pocket of one of the suits you dropped off.”

“This is not mine. There’s nothing else in this envelope. Don’t look at me like that. There is no reason to pity me. Someone like you pitying me, that’s a real joke. This key did not come from the clothes I dropped off.”

“Look, I just work here. Take it or leave it. It’s fine with me. $95.79 and sign here.”

“Here. Give me a pen. I want your name and the name of your supervisor? I’m going to call him and complain about you and your attitude.”

“My name is Kelly-Anne and my supervisor is a she. Her name is Sunita and she is working in the back office. I’d be happy to call her out if you want. You can complain to her in person.”

“Country inns are so tacky and boring. We never go to them, because there’s nothing to do.”

“Well, I can think of a few things you can do.”

“Don’t be snotty with me. What are you trying to say anyway? This key just found its way into my husband’s pocket? Are you trying to insult me? A girl my age working at a dry-cleaner, you minimum wage loser.”

“No ma’am. I’m just saying please pay me $95.79, sign here, and go home to your cheating husband, you stuck-up, would be calling you another name but I don’t want to get fired, woman.”

“Get your manager out here right now. You should be fired. You have no business dealing with the public. How dare you call me ma’am? How dare you say my husband is cheating on me? Get your manager.”

“Sure, I’ll go get her right now. Just wait there. When I bring her around, feel free to mention the key that magically found its way into your husband’s suit pocket.”

“No, wait. Never mind, bitch. Give me my cleaning.”

“Don’t forget your receipt.”

“I’m never coming back here again. When I get home I’m going online and posting the worst reviews about you. I’m going to go to find every website I possibly can and leave bad reviews everywhere. You’ll never get any business here ever again. You have no idea who I am and how much damage I can do to your company brand. Everyone who works here is going to be very sorry they ever did anything like this to me.”

“Make sure you give all the details. Hey, can I get my pen back please? You forgot your credit card.”

“Here! Give me that! I’ve never been so humiliated.”

“Really? Me. The minimum wage loser. I’m the one who is humiliating you? Thank you for your business. Please come again… Man, I should have said, ‘The botox in your face makes you look like a disfigured alien.’ That’s going to drive me crazy for the rest of the day.”