The Not-So Perfect Dancer - By Harini

I had practiced so much for this audition. I was an amazing dancer but I was still quite worried. My palms were dripping with sweat and I got more anxious as my teacher walked up to announce who got in. My teacher kept calling out names but not mine. The tension got to me. As she said the last names, I was tearing up with no hope left. My life was over.

This was one of the biggest auditions in my whole life. If I got in, my future would be just the way it isn’t now. Since I didn’t get in, my life was never the same. I was the best dancer and I wanted to be the most perfect dancer of them all. That was my downfall, my perfectionism. I got A’s all throughout school and I thought I could stay perfect forever. When I auditioned for a huge dance company, I lost my perfection. I was never the same after the audition, and I’m still not. 

I practiced so much, and put so much pressure on myself to nail the audition. I would stay up late nights practicing and practicing, and the pressure got to me. My body was giving up on me but I would still force myself to keep going. This deteriorated my health and I wasn't sleeping for days. On the day of the audition, I was immensely exhausted and my whole body was aching. I was in extreme pain but I still went and auditioned, and I regretted it terribly. I looked like I was in pain and I was dying inside, continuously asking myself, ”Why am I doing this? Why am I torturing myself?” I shriveled and collapsed. I cried with tears of pain and sadness. For the first time in my life, I failed terribly and my self-esteem was crushed. 

After my breakdown, my dance instructor rushed over and asked what happened. I gave her a quick summary and she gasped in disbelief. She didn’t know what to say. After the audition, she slowly lost hope and left me. I was in despair and I never danced again. I had lost everything. My favorite hobby, my perfectionism, my dance mentor, everything. I was sure I didn’t get in but I still went to see who got in. My palms were dripping with sweat and I got more anxious as my teacher walked up to announce who got in. My teacher kept calling out names but not mine. The tension got to me. As she said the last name, I was tearing up with no hope left. I thought life was over. I thought about trying to re-audition but they only hold these auditions once a year. I had lost all hope by then and I didn’t have enough confidence to keep going. I regretted all my decisions and I didn’t know what to do with my life. 

My grades were getting lowered and I almost failed High School. I applied for some colleges, but didn’t care at that point. I was still devastated that I wasn’t good enough to make dancing as my career. I wished that I could start over, practice harder, go back to the auditions and make a better impression. Of course, it’s too late now, I keep reminding myself. However, I feel if I hadn't bombed that one audition, I could've made it big in the dance world. I knew, since I was a kid, I wanted to live my life as a professional dancer. I just knew it was meant to be. My life was purposeless without dancing. It made me so happy. Then, every time I thought about dancing, terrible flashbacks would flood my brain and bring back horrible memories. There was never a day that passed by when I didn't think about my huge failure.

(A Few Years Later)

It’s been a little while since my rejection. I’ve decided if I really love dancing, I can’t sit here, crying about it. A huge dance company is holding an audition in a few weeks. I contacted my old dance instructor, and she agreed to help me as long as I will always keep trying no matter what. She believes this could give me a big breakthrough that I have always wished for. I worked very hard, and I kept in mind that I can’t obsess over it. I choreographed a dance routine with a different approach so I can manage my time and health well. I ate healthy and stayed hydrated, so I could persevere through my practice sessions. This time, I had a better approach and felt more confident. I left no stones unturned this time.

It’s the day of the audition. I have everything planned somewhat well and I know this should go better than last time. I ate some bananas for energy and I feel a lot better. It’s almost my turn. I breathe, pull my shoulders back, with my chin up and assure myself I can do better. My palms are sweating but I believed in myself. The judges can’t believe their eyes. Everyone couldn’t take their eyes off me. It was amazing, breathtaking! I couldn’t believe it. I had a chance to win. As I exited the stage, I was congratulated by so many people. My dance instructor was so very proud. However it wasn’t over yet. I don’t know if it was worth all the effort if I didn’t get in.

The judges walk up to the stage. I was tense and very anxious. This was one of my last chances to get in and I have a chance for once. They say, “We have seen some very intriguing, amazing, and talented dancers today. We can’t wait to see them shine in our performances.” She starts announcing many names of dancers but I don’t hear mine, not even anything close. I tear up, knowing I’m done, but just as I leave, I hear a very familiar name, mine! I can’t believe it! I actually got into one of the best dancing programs finally! I was crying, but this time, it was tears of joy. and I was in complete shock. I learned on this very day, that you should never give up on your dreams and always keep chasing after them. It's never too late to keep reaching for those dreams. I also learned that perfection doesn’t exist. Even though many people (including me) strive for it, in the end, you search for something that doesn't exist. 

Perfection doesn't exist in this universe, you just set unrealistic expectations, in the name of perfection. Things may not always go your way but if you strive for excellence, and never give up, success is guaranteed to come your way.

-Harini