Baby Toys

I was early. He was late. Okay, okay he wasn’t late. He would be right on time, just like he always was. As I sat in Santa’s office munching on a cookie and looking at all the letters of children up on his wall, I wanted to roll my eyes. I didn’t because Mr Claus had eyes in the back of his head and probably surveillance cameras in his office. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing; just how tedious I thought these meetings were.

A mentorship. Really? Like I couldn’t think of one million and one things, I’d rather be doing than spending two hours every Wednesday sitting in Santa Clause’s office. It was all supposed to be very prestigious, but let’s get real, the only reason I was here, was because they thought I might quit and join the elf on a shelf franchise.

They had nothing to fear. Sunbathing in an oven or leaving flour footprints in a clean kitchen, wasn’t my scene. I didn’t let them know that off course. I’m not stupid and this might be me ticket to where I really want to go, but enough of that already. Here’s the fat white guy, let’s hear what great wisdom he wants to impart on me today.

“Kevin,” Santa says, and I felt myself bristle. Noone called me Kevin, except my mother. I was Kev or Kevvy or the Kevster, not Kevin.

“Santa” I say formally. I’d really like to stick to Mr. Clause, but don’t have the energy for the admin that would cause. The familiarity thing with management was all a ploy to make you think your part of something bigger. Yawn. HR needed to relook at that premise.

“It’s a beautiful day.” Don’t you think?”

“Sure,” I say and look outside. It looked like every other day to me. The world was full of white fluffy snow. The only thing that changed was the sun’s position in the sky and if you were stuck in the North pole for your entire life, that got old quickly as well.

“You should be happy to know that Elephant Joe is on quite a few wish lists this year.” I nod. What else can I do? I’m always told that my inventions are on someone’s wish list. Last year I made the running snail and the year before that it was the enchanted puller. Yeah, yeah, I was new, the name needed work.

Elephant Joe is an elephant as you might have guessed, but not just any elephant, it’s an elephant that teaches babies how to sing. It repeats the sounds they make back to them, but as songs. There’s also a lot of sensory elements with different textures. It’s okay. It is baby stuff. You can’t do a lot with baby toys.

What I really wanted to do was adult toys. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking virtual reality, AI, super realism. Things you can really get your teeth into. Bespoke experiences that would sell for top dollar and be THE thing everyone aged from thirteen to one hundred and three wanted. And I was stuck on baby stuff for the third year in a row.

“Have you thought about what I said?” Santa asks and I sigh. The guy thought that I needed to learn something from making infant playthings. It was the same thing every week. Whatever it was, I’ve learnt it. You couldn’t tell me anything about creating intelligent toys for babies from zero to twelve months. I was the master.

But Santa Clause persisted. Every week without fail, he insisted that there was something I was missing. As if. At this point I wasn’t even dreaming about creating alternate universes where Rome was still the centre of the world anymore. I would be happy to move on to toddler toys.

“Come on Kevin.” Santa says and gets up from his chair. He doesn’t normally do that. HR again, with don’t make the small guy feel smaller. Blah blah blah. I know I’m short, you’re not hiding it from me. He opens his door wide and leads me outside. A walk in the snow. Yay me.

He takes me to the shed. The reindeer are there. Rudolph snickers when he sees me. He always snickers when he sees me. Stupid-red-nosed herbivore.

“Hop on.” Santa says and I stop in my tracks.

“Wait… what?”

“Hop on.” The guy in the red suit says again and I look at him in astonishment. He’s not looking at me, he’s harnessing the reindeer.    

“Now?” I ask. I know I sound like an idiot. I feel like an idiot. Every elf gets one ride on the sled. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. Old Grendel in kids sporting goods is four hundred and twelve and he still talks about his like it was yesterday.

If I had known I was going for my ride, I’d have worn my better tights. I’d have combed my hair. Or something.

“You coming?” Santa asks and I grab his hand and pull myself up. Fine. I’ll go.

I’d like to tell you it’s magical, it is, but I’m not allowed to tell you. Non-disclosure agreement. HR really knows how to suck the joy out of everything.

Anyway, we get to where we’re going. It’s a shopping mall. This is just one of those things Mr. Clause likes to do. Go incognito, as himself. He let’s me hand out the gifts. It’s all babies. Yawn. Yes, they’re cute. Yes, they make little googoo gaga noises. It’s adorable. I never said I don’t like babies. I just want something more.

“Kevin,” Santa says, and I know that tone. “What,” I ask because if there’s something I’m missing, just show me already. I’m so done with this song and dance.

“Stop looking at the babies.” He says.

“Excuse me?” We are in mall filled with babies. Did daycare get the day off? I don’t know, but there are babies everywhere. It’s impossible not to look at them. Besides, I make baby toys, they’re my market. I should look at them, what else is there?

Santa takes my chin and directs my gaze past the latest munchkin to his mother. So, I look at the mother and the father and the grandparents. They’re all there, taking pictures and smiling. So much smiling. Helplessly I look at Santa. What does he want.

“Keep looking.” The king of gifts tells me. And I do. I see single parents. I see kids with two mothers or two fathers or two, I’m not sures. I see frazzled looking adults and relaxed happy adults. The relaxed ones are normally older and of the grandparent variety.

I look and look and look and then Santa says: “Now listen.” So, I listen.

Do you remember when we did this with Katie, can’t believe she’s so big now.

Grandma and I use to do this with your daddy every year. Till he got too old.

Wish I could freeze this moment.

Why don’t they stay so little.

I don’t talk a lot on the ride home. Okay, I was there with Santa who is technically my boss’ boss’ boss, so its not like I would have been blabbering anyway, but I have a lot on my mind, okay. The adults were all looking happy because the babies were happy. The were remembering other babies and other good times.

I see Santa again a week later. I’m early, he’s late. I know, I know, he’s right on time. Whatever. He’s always right on time.

“Kevin,” he says when he enters. “Santa,” I say. He looks me up and down and smiles. He really isn’t a bad guy. It’s just, there’s so much of him.

“Anything you want to tell me?” He asks and I grin. His beard twitches.

“I think I have it.” I tell him. “The perfect gift for adults isn’t about the technical stuff. The perfect AI environment or gadget that can make coffee while vacuuming is cool, but it’s about how it makes them feel.”

“Those things are not unimportant,” I stress, because who doesn’t want coffee making vacuum, “but they are not, as important. One day when I’m making toys for teens and adults, I’ll have to make them feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside or out of their head exited or…. The point is, they must feel something.”

Santa nods. The first nod I’ve gotten in… like… ever.

He smiles again and then he says: “Kevin, I promote you.” I nearly do a backflip.

“What?! Really! I’ll get working on those AI games straight away. And the thingy, the coffeemaker vacuum thingy. I have a really good name for it. You are going to love it.”

“Not so fast.” The fat white guy says. “You have been promoted to toddler toys. If you can impress me there, we can talk again.”

I feel my shoulders drooping, but then I shake it off. I did think even toddler toys would be an upgrade, didn’t I. Perhaps the old dude could read minds as well. I give him a hard stare and he winks.