Crybaby

 got my first trophy today. It's alright, I guess. I thought I'd be happier with my first one, feel like I had accomplished something. But it didn't feel that way at all, it felt... empty somehow.

It was a nice enough ribbon. It was powder baby blue, with the frills around the edges. When I had it pinned to my shirt it drifted lazily in the wind. I didn't like wearing it though. I didn't like people looking at me wearing it. I mean, they couldn't know it was my first ribbon ever, it was like any other ribbon to them. I saw a boy at school start laughing when he saw it. He had a shiny red ribbon pinned to his shirt.

I asked to go to the bathroom after that. I cried in the stall. My eyes were red and my cheeks were streaked by the time someone heard me. I heard them enter. They stood for a second in the doorway before leaving. A few moments later I heard heavier footsteps approach.

"Billy?"

I rubbed my nose with the cuff on my sleeve. It came away damp. I tried to pull myself together. Don't want to be a crybaby.

"Yes Mr.DaPhora?"

"Are you okay?"

No I'm not okay. I just got my first ribbon and the other kids are laughing at me for it. I love my ribbon; it's my first ribbon. It doesn't matter how I got it. It's still a prize for competing. I earned it. Just because Tommy has a shiny red ribbon doesn't mean he's better then me. Except that it does, that's exactly what it means. I started to cry again.

"Can you come out of there Billy? No one else is in here, and there's another teacher outside directing students to the other bathroom. It's just us."

I swallowed. I hiccuped a little, trying to stop hyperventilating. I stood up and felt drained. I pushed open the door of the stall, and Mr.DaPhora was standing outside. He also looked a little sad, but had a warm half smile on his face. It was his dark brown eyes that showed an empathetic sadness.

Mr.DaPhora was my favorite teacher. His favorite subject was science, and I loved whenever he came in with a big bag because I knew he had some new crazy experiment he was going to show us. He once broke a window in the school with one of his experiments, and the principal told him he couldn't do them anymore. A lot of us got together and went down to the office. We said how much we loved the experiments, and one student even tried to convince her he had thrown a rock through the window. She knew he hadn't, but she had been moved by us and decided to allow them, as long as they were safe.

"What's wrong Billy?"

I felt tears well up again. My chest felt tight. I started choking words out between breaths.

"I got my first ribbon and I wore it to school today and I really like it but Tommy has a red ribbon and he was making fun of my ribbon but I don't care about the ribbon I just like it but Tommy... I hate Tommy."

I started to cry much harder now, and Mr.DaPhora leaned down and pulled me into him, patting my back. "Why was Tommy making fun of your ribbon?"

"Because it's not as good as his ribbon."

"And why not?"

I thought about it. It was the same reason I didn't actually feel happy when I was given it. I was in a row with ten other children who all got the same blue ribbon. We all accepted our ribbons and said thanks, but we knew they all meant nothing. I even saw one kid throw his in the garbage on the way out of the gym.

But it was my first ribbon. That's why it mattered to me.

"It's not as good as his ribbon because he earned his ribbon. His ribbon is for second place, mine was just a participation ribbon. I only got it because I was there."

"So you didn't earn that ribbon?" Mr.DaPhora raised a knowing eyebrow.

"No. I didn't do anything besides get my butt kicked in the first round of the tournament."

"So you did do something to get that ribbon, right?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything. Any kid could have entered."

"But they didn't. There are five hundred children in this school. And you know how many got ribbons? Thirteen. Thirteen got ribbons. Three got nicer ribbons, for sure, because they won more rounds. But do you know why the other ten got ribbons?"

I shook my head. I didn't know. My ribbon felt like a slap in the face.

"You all got ribbons because you were brave enough to put yourself out there. To put your ego, your heart, and even your body on the line. Kids have been sent to the hospital in tournaments like that. They've gotten bloody noses, concussions, even broken limbs in tournaments like that. You were brave enough to enter. That's why you earned that ribbon."

I looked down at my ribbon. It suddenly looked a lot more vibrant to me, even through my water logged eyes. I did earn this ribbon. And even though it's the losing ribbon, it's my first ribbon, and shows I was brave. I looked up at Mr.DaPhora, face still red and splotchy, but with a big smile on my face.

"Mr.DaPhora."

"Yeah Billy?"

"I'm not gonna wear this ribbon but I'm going to keep it. And next year, I'm going to get a yellow ribbon."

Since then I won a lot of Ribbons, remembering how important is to me winning even though I didn't get the yellow ribbon I wanted the first time I tried it.

At the end the only thing that matters is that I tried my best, and I will keep trying my best.