Another Item on the Bucket List

“I told you this was a bad idea.”

“Shut it, just shut up, I’m sick of hearing you say that! We don’t know if this is going to go south or not, just hush!”

“…ok. So…watching a murder happen through these closet doors in a house we’re not supposed to be in isn’t ‘going south’?”

“I didn’t say that, I just…just shut up for a second, I need to think…”

“Ok…it’s just – and I know I need to shut up ok I just want to say this one thing. It’s been an hour since, you know, that happened, and I thought I heard a door slam shut. So I think we can actually just get the hell out of here and forget this ever happened.”

“Forget it happened? We were here to watch her! Remember, the bucket list?”

“Yeah, but Jimmy, to be fair, ‘be a peeping tom’ was a pretty bad bucket list item.”

“Well…I mean…dammit I just need to think!”

“Fine, ok, think. We’ll just sit here in someone else’s closet thinking at the site of a gruesome crime scene. A murder scene. Jimmy, if the cops come by and we’re in this house…”

“They’ll have our fingerprints on these closet doors anyway, genius, whether we stay or go. What we need to do is clean up any trace we were here, ok?”

“What about her?”

“What ABOUT her? We don’t know her. For all we know this was some kind of weird murder fantasy sex thing between the two of them, we don’t know. Or, or, maybe she’s not even dead. Maybe the whole thing is that she acts dead, and her man, or whoever that was, leaves, and then comes back in a cop costume or something. Or maybe this was a mob hit. Or maybe a terrorist act. I don’t know, but what I do know is I don’t want our tracks on this at all. So we can’t just leave, Tom. We have to make sure we do this the right way.”

“We’re screwed aren’t we?”

“Look, let’s open the doors here – careful! Do it slowly Tom, geez! Ok so we need to find some kind of cleaning agent or something to wipe down anything we touched. Is that a bathroom over there?”

“Yeah I think – oh God wow no I can tell you Jimmy, she’s not playing dead, unless they work for a movie studio with a lot of gore makeup! Look what he did to her stomach and breasts. Jesus!  Uhhhhh….”

“Hey, Tommy, Tommy, look at me. You can NOT get sick. It’s one thing cleaning up our fingerprints, I ain’t cleaning up no puke, bud.”

“No, no [sighing] I’m fine, I’m cool. Ok, so yeah bathroom’s over here. Man, look at this room, it’s like he ransacked the place after he left.”

“Yup, wham, bam, thank you ma’am, murder, destroy the place. Classy dude.”

“Ok, Jimmy, it looks like we got some Windex, some bleach something, what gets out fingerprints?”

“Windex is fine, you got a rag or something in there?”

“Yeah I think so…oh…oh Jimmy. You, uh. You gotta come see this. Oh man.”

“Tom, what? We’re kind of in a hurry here, can’t you just bring a rag or something. I wanna be out of here in the next 5 or so.”

“Sure. Sure, Jimmy, it’s just. Look at this.”

“Tommy…where did you find that?”

“Well I thought it was a pile of rags, right? So I picked it up – Jimmy the light’s not great in here so I didn’t – well, so I picked it up and…this.”

“Tommy, I think I know why the place was ransacked.”

“Me too, Jimmy. Me too. What do we do?”

“Well, Tommy. I think what we do is we clean up any fingerprints with that Windex you got there. Then we make sure not to touch anything else in this place. Then we take your little find there, and maybe check off another item on our bucket list.”

“Oh man. Oh man. Jimmy, you sure? I mean that’s a lot of…”

“I’m sure. Toss me the Windex, and I see a roll of paper towels next to it. Toss that to me too.”

“Ok, Jimmy. Oh wow. This seems like a bad idea, but, oh wow.”

“Don’t you worry ol’ Tomboy. The whole reason for the bucket list is to experience new things before we die, right? How’s this for an experience? Haha! Ok, I think I got the closet doors clean, you need to wipe off those cabinet doors in the bathroom, but is there anything else?”

“Uh, no, Jim. I don’t think so.”

“Alright, here’s the Windex, get scrubbing buddy.”

“Ok, thanks, I’ll, uh, get to it. Oh geez.”

“Man, that guy really did do a number on this lady, didn’t he? Like there’s rage in that, hatred. Seems to be a pretty gal, though. Or, seemed, anyway. Too bad. Real waste. Nice piece of ass like that, phew. Why is it the pretty ones get jacked like this, not the ugly ones, eh, Tommy Boy?”

“Uh, ha, yeah Jimmy! Ok, I think I got it all cleaned it here. Um, so how are we getting this out of here? It’s…well, it’s a lot…”

“It is, and think of all the bucket list things we can do with it. Anyway, better us than the asshole who killed her, right? He certainly doesn’t deserve any of this. And as for her, well. Doubt she’s going to use it!”

“You sure about that?”

“Whoa, Jimmy, it’s her ghost!”

“I’m not a ghost, you moron. You had it right the first time. Hubby and I like kinky sex games. And yeah, he does work for Hollywood. So. Who the hell are you two and what are you doing in my house?

“Oh, uh, no we just heard…noises, and we wanted to come help and…”

“Oh yeah? I heard everything you two jackasses said. And so did my .45. Here, would you like to meet her?”

“A her, Jimmy, her gun is a her. Funny, right? Ha. Ha. Oh…”

“Yeah, that’s right. My gun is a girl. Anita. As in, Anita ‘nother body for my kill count. Hey, Mark! We got some visitors, come upstairs and see!”

“Mark? Haha, sure, sure, lady. Mark. The guy that, uh, the guy that uh, you know, murdered you, right? Haha. Funny game. Look we’re just going to get out of your hair, ok? No harm, no foul. And you and, um…Mark, was it? Yeah, Mark. You two can go back to your game, and we will just leave. Look, we even cleaned up after ourselves, right? So, haha, funny joke, time to leave and…”

“Hey Mark, these guys have a bucket list they’re trying to work through. Should we add them to our bucket list?”

[Starting his chainsaw] “My dear, that sounds absolutely splendid.”