Mother knows best

The weather was cold as always but I kept finding it hard to care about my body now, I can't say I have insomnia but sometimes I find it hard to fall asleep with this crazy secret hanging over my head.

Sleep had left me for so many nights and I find myself always looking out the window imagining maybe just maybe if my secret was revealed it won't render me homeless, penniless, friendless, and without a family.

Yes, my secret is not that I committed murder or got someone pregnant, my secrets sound pretty trivial compared to the consequences that come after it is revealed.

My name is Oscar Simmons, caramel clear skin, chubby-cheeked, black curly hair I most keep in an afro, bright blue eyes I got from my mom.

I might sound like a narcissist and probably vain but I am dark and proud, I just have an issue with growing beards like it seemed to have skipped my line of inheritance so I am hairless body-wise.

Back to my secret, when I was younger my family which consists of two older brothers Alexander being the oldest, and Jamal the middle child, me the last child, and then my parents always had a family night where we watched movies play games and sometimes tell crazy stories.

During one of these nights, my mom decided to pick the movie we were going to watch which was related to shoemaking. kinky boots.

I was just 10 and it fascinated me when I watched the movie, After his father's demise, Charlie Price (the main character) inherits the family business, a shoe factory in Northampton, England. He is not interested in shoes, and the factory is in such dire financial straits that he must lay off 15 employees.

However, a fortuitous encounter with a transvestite cabaret singer (the support character) inspires Charlie to save the factory from closure by producing erotic footwear, much to the chagrin of the workers. The transvestite cabaret singer fascinated me beyond belief.

I remember hearing my father scuffed.

"Oh please this is just another way to destroy the younger generation" I listened quietly as my mom had given him a response.

"Oh Gerrard stop these judgemental remarks of yours it's not like you understand their feelings or something ". my older brother who seemed to be closer to my dad looked at my mom then spoke words that rendered her speechless.

"Mom dad is right, they just want to deceive the younger generation into believing that wearing a woman's clothes as a man is a normal thing".

"What if one of our kids comes out to you saying they are gay or transvestite, then what would you do?" She asked.

My father looked at the three of us and said in the calmest and scariest voice.

"None of my sons would ever be an abomination because it doesn't run in our blood and if any of them makes that mistake of saying he is one then he should be ready to die by my hands"

"Gerrard stop spurting things like this do you know that killing is a sin"

My mom told all of us to go to bed and through the night they argued.

Then I didn't put much thought into his words because being straight runs in our blood means I can never be gay then.

I first found out about my sexuality when I was 13 and my best friend then kissed me during an excursion in the toilet.

I didn't hate it but I became scared of my family, my father's words were like a mantra that kept reminding me to not indulge in being the real me.

when my best friend and I got to sophomore year in high school, he told me he was gay and was ready to show it without a care only for a week later he looked lifeless and broken.

I was worried about him but he never said anything about what was wrong with him till one day we didn't go to prom and I stayed over at his house since his parents travelled.

"Ossy I want to run away" he whispers.

"Why?"

" I can't stay in a place that I could die at any given minute" he sniffed then I noticed he was in tears, all the emotions he had bottled in broke out and he told me that when he made up his mind to come out his cousin was caught kissing a boy and he was beheaded before the family.

He said his parents had invited every member of the family and he couldn't even help his younger cousin.

"I can't be here anymore or I swear I would be the next victim"

I was shaking in fear because I knew if I get exposed then I am dead.

"Where will you go?" I asked.

"Away from here and Ossy please do not stay too long hiding or you just might suffer the same fate" with these words he packed all he could and broke his piggy banks and showed me his bus ticket out of the state.

I knew he was right so I didn't stop him and I pretended not to know about his running away.

After months of searching for him they declared him dead without his body found, people went to the funeral but I refused to go and people believed I was grieving.

I stop being playful, always avoided staying together in the same room with my family. I don't drink so that I don't reveal too much of my true nature.

My mom became worried about me but my dad said I was just being a teenager and that I would outgrow it like my older siblings.

After the burial, my mom started acting weird that I was worried maybe something had happened she always found a reason to invite me out. one of these weird days she dragged me along with her to get some groceries when my dad and older brothers were busy being their toxic masculine selves.

when we got to our destination she ignored the grocery shop and dragged me to get her nice clothes according to her.

"Ossy, how does this look on me?"

she stood in front of me with a green bodycon gown and black boots heels, twirling around in it. it fitted her body well, but I felt like I would be better worn with brown sandal heels and maybe a small brown bag would fit it.

"oh mom it looks great on you maybe change the kneel high boots with brown sandal heels" she smiles then winked at me then went off to change.

That day when we got home she told me to keep the five dresses she picked and some makeup products she bought using my skin to try the foundation shade.

I stared at her weirdly but she ignored me, I dropped them at the back of my wardrobe. I felt the urge to try them on since they looked like they could fit me perfectly.

She kept buying clothes she won't wear for a month but kept them in my room giving the same excuse.

"I want to surprise your father during our dates"

my wardrobe was now almost filled with female clothes and she also installed locks in my room saying I would need my privacy. I didn't understand my mom nor her intentions but I didn't complain.

one day, while everyone was out of the house leaving me behind. I was bored not doing anything when suddenly I remembered the clothes in my wardrobe maybe I could just try it a little then look up how to use makeup on my face.

that was my downfall.

I couldn't stop once I started. I lock my door then play my rap music to the loudest and begin my parade in front of the full-length mirror mom bought and had placed in my room.

she never stopped buying new clothes and keeping them in my room without asking for them, I started suspecting she knew I wore them but she never said anything to me about it.

it's been a year and a half since my best friend ran away and since I knew about my love for cross-dressing, I always hope that he is fine and eating well.

That afternoon before graduation, I dressed up in the new clothes mom bought and left in my wardroom. nobody was home and I forgot to lock my room door then began to dress up. when I was done, I wore the wig after my makeup was done.

I took some pictures then suddenly I heard Jamal asking if I was home, it was then I remembered I hadn't locked the door so I rushed to lock the door before responding to his call.

Graduation is tomorrow and tomorrow is the day I out myself and run for my life, I saved enough to get an apartment and feed myself.

I had saved about 5000$ by working part-time jobs for the whole year and a half.

You might wonder how many jobs I have done. Well, I worked as a waiter in hotels and restaurants, I worked at a spa where I got paid better than the other jobs 100$ monthly and tips ranging from 20-100$ from customers.

I have packed up my belongings, clothes, passport and id, laptop, and phone then the documents I need to enrol on college.

I just left behind my old things so that they won't notice I had escaped them.

Knock! Knock!

The soft knocking woke me from my thoughts, it was past midnight and who could come to my room at this time.

"Ossy baby boy?" My mom's soft voice came from behind the door, I rushed to push my box under the bed then I open the door.

She looked behind her to see that no one was awake before walking into the room then locking the door.

"Hey baby, I can't remember the last time you let me into your room"

She said with a smile as she pushed my hair away from my face.

" Mom, why aren't you asleep yet?" I asked as she smiled at me sadly.

"I can't sleep" She paused as if contemplating deeply before she spoke again.

"Do you have something to tell me Ossy" her stare was deep and sad. I felt a pinch in my heart, oh no mothers and their emotional blackmail. I shook my head instead of responding verbally.

"Ossy I know you to know what you are hiding " She turns off the light and opened my bay window then she sat down also telling me to seat beside her.

"I will trade a secret of me in exchange for a secret with yours, what do you think?" She kept whispering and I nodded.

"Okay your dad and I divorced a few days ago but he said I should keep the reason a secret but I can't anymore" She explained to me that he had been cheating for some time and she was only still married to him because she wanted me to leave high school first.

I was shocked speechless but she decided to continue then what she revealed last blew my mind.

"I am not your older siblings mom they are from some of the women he cheated on me with"

She then let everything sink in before smiling at me then asked what I was hiding.

"I will still love you no matter what" She held my hand and rubbed my cheek with an encouraging smile.

I was too scared to say anything but I knew I had to face it since I had already packed everything that belongs to me in this house.

"I am gay" I whispered with my eyes closed rightly I do not want to see her disgust or hate.

It was quiet for a while I couldn't stand the silence so I opened my eyes to look at her.

The moon softly lightens up her skin, instead of anger, I saw sadness and tears rolled down her eyes.

"I'm sorry mom"

"Oh my poor Ossy has suffered, oh how I wish I was able to lessen your pain and fears" She pulled me into a tight hug then kept rubbing my back.

I was shocked at her reaction so I was slow to respond to her hug.

"I knew it, we need to leave here tonight," She said after a while of crying. I was confused.

"Tomorrow is my graduation mom"

" shh, we leave tonight for your safety, pack up all your gadgets into your backpack and forget to take your clothes" She instructed then suddenly we heard footfalls coming towards my room and the shadow stood there for a while as if trying to hear us.

My mum signalled that I should stay very quiet, the shadow belonged to my father.

What is going on?.

After about 20 or so minutes he left so my mom quickly whispers.

"We are following the back through your window before he comes back."

This was when I noticed she held her purse in her hand and running shoes on.

Following her lead, we climbed slowly down and once our feet touched the floor she pulled me towards the car about a block away.

Just behind us, we heard a bang and shouting.

"Get back here you fag" it was my father's voice but mother pushed me into the car and the keys were already placed in the ignition and she immediately started the car.

We could hear gunshots as we drove away, my heart was still pounding widely as I looked at my mom in shock.

"He found out from your stepbrother Jamal this morning and he didn't tell me but I heard them when they thought I was asleep," She said not taking her eyes off the road.

I was scared of telling her and now she saved me, so there was no how I would have graduated because he was planning to end me before dawn.

"Where are we going? " I asked once I had calmed down.

"As far away from here as possible, I have a house I purchased a year and a half ago in New York "

Does my mom see the future or what?

"Remember Tony Mendoza" She continues, my best friend why would I not remember him.

"He is the one taking care of the house, yes I was the one who helped him run away. He had explained what had happened to me so I didn't tell anyone and just helped him that's why during that time I travelled. So he is waiting for you"

Her words shocked me and made me excited.

I guess I now have a family and a future.

We drove away from our past and into our future.