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Funny

12:00 A.M.

Walking into the store I work in at 12:00 A.M. means one of four things.

You're either depressed, high, dead or just an employee starting a typical 24-hour shift.

In my case, I've got the wonderful blessing of working at the store.

"Welcome to our store." Tara greeted me with a smile. "Please come in, Felix. Emilia has just started sorting the milk cartons."

I entered. "But milk is-"

"You snooze, you lose." She said, still keeping up that smile on her face.

This meant I would most likely be given another product that still hasn't come in yet. The deadline they give us to stock a certain product in a certain amount of time in wholly unreasonable for any human, nearly impossible and that is why we're mostly hired for that job.

"The trucks of meat will come in about 7 minutes." She flashed her artificial smile showing her white teeth.

Between all the drunken teenagers, the needy bloodsuckers and shelve stocking, 12 A.M. has nothing special about it other than the few whistles of the employees coming back and forth from each isle.

Working what we call 'graveyard shifts' isn't such a bad idea, even if fewer shoppers visit after midnight.

This will be indeed a long shift.

2:00 A.M.

Our store was mostly empty, making the night seem longer and the sound of silence deafening.

Click. Click. Click.

The stillness was broken by the sound of high heels clicking onto the floor.

"Excuse me." I smiled after hearing the voice of one of our 1 A.M. regulars.

"Hello, Mrs. Goodwell. What would you like tonight?" I said, not needing to even look up.

She bit her bottom lip.

"A? B? Positive? Negative? Maybe try the O again?"

"I'm looking for RH Null." She whispered.

I finally turned to face her pale face. I placed the yogurt down. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. But RH Null is illegal to sell as of last April thanks to... certain new laws."

She sighed in disappointment before I looked around and walked towards her.

"But I have a... friend that works at Target. Dimitri Scarlett. He'll help." I whispered in her ear after making sure no one was listening.

Even if someone knew they wouldn't snitch. After all, this is RH Null we're talking about.

This night couldn't get any longer.

"Redstone. Cashier register." My manager called out.

Yup, it could get any longer.

4:00 A.M.

The number of teenagers sneaking out at night without the knowledge of their parents was indeed shocking.

Wild teenagers were our number two customers at night, falling behind the likes of Mrs. Goodwell.

The laughter of that one group of wild teenagers became unbearable after a while.

"Get me that!" A girl basically screamed her head off.

"Okay! Okay!"

Their voices could be heard from across the store. I turned towards Leon. "How come none of us were ever like that when we were younger?" He asked me.

"Well, most of our staff grew up in a time of witch-burning and religious fanatics shoving staked through our hearts," I answered.

"Makes sense."

"Excuse me?" Both our attention turned towards a little boy that barely looked 12. The bored tone of his voice said it all and there was no need for any questions regarding his age.

"How can I help you?" I asked.

"B+"

"On it, Sir." Leon got up from his seat to take care of his request.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Felix, I need you on Greater-Patrol next hour. Sonja called in sick." Tara told me.

I simply nodded before Leon came back and the boy handed me a carefully wrapped package.

The machine made a clicking sound after I scanned the code. "That'll be 2.55."

The boy paid for his groceries.

"Bon Appetit."

"Thanks."

"Hello, welcome to our store!"

Soon after, the herds of our reflectionless community flocked the doors of the store in need of some last-minute 'groceries' before the sun rises.

I stood at the entrance and performed the most powerful yet dreaded work in the entire industry... Greeting.

"Welcome to our store."

Groups of people entered after the other and I found myself repeating the phrase over and over again until it lost its meaning.

"Hello. we-" I looked at none other than my older brother and stood silent. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" He asked after a while.

"No, I'm going to enjoy this for a while." I smiled.

"Felix."

The door behind Arthur opened. "Hello, welcome to our store, Professor Goldwater." I directed my greeting to the white-haired man. The Professor simply handed me a paper.

"Target, Dimitri Scarlett. You didn't hear it from me."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "I could go to Target too, y'know. But I thought 'why not see how my little brother is doing at this ungodly hour?'"

"Honey, they couldn't let you in after what you did the last time."

"And, why did I have to go there in the first place?"

I rolled my eyes to that memory. "Hello, welcome to our store."

6:00 A.M.

The sun begins to rise at this hour, meaning our nightly customers no longer show their pale faces and cold hands anymore.

It also means this is my last chance to abandon my job before getting stuck here until sundown.

But I, unfortunately, had to stay.

8:00 A.M.

8 A.M. is the true definition of heartbreak. I see mostly women with teary eyes and smudged mascara in search of some weird flavor of ice cream I've never heard of at this hour.

The number of times I witnessed this was almost ever single 8 A.M. for me.

It's still sad to witness beautiful people come at this time of the morning with nothing but grief in their minds.

People that would have reached further chained themselves to one person and that person's sole existence.

A woman came up to me with puffy eyes and shyly asked for something. I pointed her in the direction, in which she turned around and walked towards without any additional words.

At 8 A.M., those beautiful people pay the price of underestimating themselves to the point of choosing the worst incompatible person to be with for a long period.

10:00 A.M.

Living customers usually start showing from this hour. It means more work for us.

It's usually mothers with their children that are the loudest of the bunch, which is understandable.

"Mommy, can we get some more of this chocolate?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

12:00 P.M.

And so the horror begins as rush hour in on the corners.

2:00 P.M.

500 shopping carts in the store and I keep on being given the one with the weird front wheel that sounds like a dying pig.

And speaking of animals...

I could hear the sound of a baby seal screaming from behind at who I assume is Reena.

I placed the product I was supposed to be sorting out on the cart and slowly walked towards the screaming aisle.

A16.

"I'm telling you, I have seen the product I want! Can I speak to the manager?"

No.

Not her again.

I gulped before finally taking a stand.

"Good afternoon, Ma'am. How can I help you?" I asked.

I woman, dressed in a white shirt and brown pants, swung what I suppose was left of her short hair and looked at me. "I have seen this product online on your website and your employee suggests you no longer have this at stock." She said, practically shoving her phone at my face.

I looked down at the picture. Man, this is going to be hard. "Yes, we have unfortunately run out of that specific product yesterday and won't be restocking till Thursday. I'm very sorry, Ma'am."

"What? Then why would it still be on the website?!"

I don't know? It isn't my job to know why everything is missing.

Maybe. because our job is to stock shelves, check out items and greet you with a smile even though we would sincerely like to punch you in the face, Ma'am.

No, I can't say that.

"Unfortunately, we seemed to run through a lot of problems with our online website. Those would we shortly fixed by our staff in management."

It won't.

"This is unacceptable!"

No, please no.

"Utterly unacceptable."

Please, my shift has been long.

"Can I speak to your manager?"

Why?

"Of course, I'll call her right up."

4:00 P.M.

"Felix, please make your way to Aisle 21. There seems to be a problem."

Another Karen?

Some teenagers trying to become Tiktok famous again?

What is it this time?

I made my way to aisle 21 to finally realize what I had waiting for me. The entire floor was covered with yellow spots.

What even happened?

It was either a marker or some urine. And I hope it is not the second option.

Why is it me that always gets the dirty work? Meanwhile, Leon and Edward get to relax on the cashier register or stock shelves.

Yes, they're too busy scanning dozens of items during rush hour, but that isn't an exception. I could do that too in favor of anything besides this.

I went to find a mop.

I just want this draining shift to end already.

6:00 P.M.

The back storage room was what I called 'the neverending maze'.

It was filled with cardboard boxes on cardboard boxes making a neverending cycle of trash on top of each other.

It was not possible, and downright unachievable, to navigate through that room and thus it earned its title.

I threw some boxes in the pile. We empty it anyways at 11 P.M. every day.

The problem was... I think there was a fire exit back there... Somewhere.

If we were to die in a fire, now you know why.

8:00 P.M.

8 P.M. is probably the only time we greet people without knowing if they truly need it.

People running to buy last minute things thinking we would close in an hour.

Our store is open 24/7.

"Get me some of that, Chelsie. Darleen, here, needs to celebrate."

"Just stop it, girls." I heard the same quiet voice from 8 A.M. ring inside my ears.

"He was bad for you. I told you once and then I told you twice that he's going to break your heart."

"And why are we going to do this?"

"Revenge."

"Emily, no."

"Emily, yes! Now, where can we find some toilet paper?"

"Em-"

"Excuse me, we're looking for toilet paper. A lot of it."

I turned around to face the group. "Well, it's-"

"No, we're not looking for that. We're not..." She gave her friends a glare which they chose to ignore. "looking for anything... Hey, I know you!"

I licked my lips. "Pardon."

"I know you, I've seen you today in the morning. Do employees work this much here?"

"Double shift. Pickled Mango Ice Cream." I said.

"Pickled Mango? Seriously Darleen! We're going to do this."

I accidentally let out a chuckle which caused them to turn to me. "We're having a little revenge party against Darleen's Ex."

"By... toilet papering his house?"

"Yeah."

10:00 P.M.

10 P.M.

How can I even begin to explain 10 P.M?

Have you ever had that moment when you count every single minute until a certain hour?

That's me at 10 P.M, 4 days each week.

12:00 A.M.

And the shift of Hell finally finishes and people still wonder how we do it.

They would know if they paid more attention.

No windows?

Opened 24 hours?

Described by employees as 'Soul-Sucking?'

I mean, how has no one ever wondered why would Walmart hire a 'greeter' with no other job than to welcome every person that enters the store?

I would have thought that after 74 years in business at least some Nerd on Reddit would have figured it out.

Or noticed our flashing pointy teeth, at least.

December 07, 2019 21:42

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3 comments

Brooke T
22:02 Dec 18, 2019

I liked your take on the prompt. It took both the given and some internet ideas and mixed them together in a nice story. There were lots of repeated words and phrases in close proximity. Making sure the same words/phrases are repeated next to each other helps keep the flow and keep readers engaged. It was a little choppy, and a few tense issues. Mostly, though, I just had unanswered questions about the lingo they were using in the beginning. It started out really intriguing, but kind of lost the mysterious and surreal shimmer. Overall, thoug...

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London Pheonix
19:31 Dec 19, 2019

Thank you for your critique. I'm new to writing in general and I need every bit of criticism in order to improve my writing and maybe develop my own style in the process.

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Daniel Kelly
21:37 Dec 18, 2019

I kind of feel like you could have leaned in more with the surrealism factor that comes with 24/7 stores. Things can definitely get stranger, less in the day definitely, but a lot more so at night. You could've stoners going in and out talking weird stuff they've done or going to do. Hermit type gamers on a snack run, and so much more. Could've even played fast and loose with logic itself since the POV character is presumably not sleeping for 24 hours: a lot of opportunity to chalk up some of this lunacy to hallucinations from lack of sleep!

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