Behind the Glass

“Haha! You’re so funny! x”

I know she didn’t mean it.

“I know right, I should be a comedian or something!”

Keep the conversation alive.

“Haha”

Fuck.

One thing you learn after texting a lot of girls, is how to tell when a conversation is dead. To put it lightly, this one is pretty much decomposed at this point.

I like her, and she knows, and she knows I know. This should be easy, but sadly, it just makes things more difficult.

Time for an attempted revival.

“Anyways, maybe we could video chat later? I got the house to myself!”

She left me on read. Again.

At this point, I’m not even surprised. I expect so little, but yet I still get these little pangs of hope now and again, that maybe she’s actually into the conversation, but no, again we find ourselves in this weird limbo. 

I sighed, “Oh well, maybe she's busy.” 

I popped open my laptop and went back to my schoolwork, but less than 10 minutes later, my phone chimed. The feeling I got was one of excitement, but also dread, my heart jumped with each beat, even though this wasn’t stupendous, it wasn’t dramatic, just a text from Jane. No biggie.

“Yeah I can chat later :)”

I punched the air, the feeling of success coursed through my veins like some sort of drug, and I rose through the roof. These battles, these little battles were the ones I fight, and this was my first victory-

“I have a massive physics test, so you can give me your notes! x”

The feeling of elation sank, going straight from my head to my feet, dragging me through the floorboards, and pushing me further and further down until I reached the ground again.

I needed to say what I thought. I needed to express my feelings for her. I should say…

“I’m not just a revision tool, I need to speak to you about something really important.”

Yes. The perfect set-up, which will allow me to swoop in smoothly, and finally win her over. The past 4 years of yearning ends now. This was it, it’s now or never. I took my phone and wrote…

“Sure! Paper 1 or 2?”

Welcome to my life, My name is Simon Broxbourne. I’m a spineless coward and my own worst enemy.

The next morning, after my fantastic video “chat” (it was basically a tutoring session) I decided to wake up early and go for a run, which, after running for about 6 minutes, turned into a brisk walk, in order to save my lungs from extinction. Running in London is counter-intuitive anyway, the air pollution takes about 5 years off your life every time you go outside. When my sweat-ridden corpse finally arrived home, I noticed a notification on my phone. 

“Heyyy. Last night was so fun, maybe we can chat again tonight. X”

I laughed with what remained of my chest and allowed the elation to take over again. After everything, there was something good that came from this.

“Sure, I’d love to chat again!”

As I collapsed onto the sofa, grinning at my ability to respond in such a way that tricks her into believing I was a normal and functioning member of society, and not an overweight teenager who spends all of his time watching anime and sleeping, I realised something, I might not even need to open up, and tell her how I feel about her. She clearly wants the same thing as me, so this whole situation should be simple! Feeling happy with that result, I quickly showered, dressed myself and jumped on the bus to school. After sitting down, between a group of shouting 13 year olds, and a man eating a kebab (reminder, it’s 8 in the morning), my phone pinged again. It’s her.

“You wanna meet before school? There's something I wanna ask you... x”

It’s astonishing how a few words can cause your body to change so much, but I clung onto those words, I swallowed them whole, and treasured them, like they were the names of my new-born children. I replied,

“Yeah! Where should I meet you?”

“Outside the corner shop, on Blackhorse Rd.”

“Ok, be there in 5 mins!”

I quickly stood up, getting as far away from kebab-man as I could, so I kept the smell of the shower, and didn’t greet the love of my life with chilli sauce on my jeans. I saw her from the window as the bus pulled in, she looked beautiful, just like she always did. The rays of sunshine from the morning sunrise still hung in the air, and they bounced of her, giving her a glow matched only by freshly-baked bread, and as her features hung in my mind, I was mesmerised, transfixed, laser-focused on her, nothing else mattered and-

I missed my stop. Shit.

The bus pulled away from her, and carried on moving. A look of confusion rose on her face, as I sailed into the distance. Now, normally what any average person would do is shrug, send an apologetic text and get off at the next stop. However, I believe love doesn't just make you blind, it can also make you mentally disabled.

I pulled the emergency stop cord. 

Everyone's eyes turned to me, as the doors swung open. A sea of confused faces, and one particularly annoyed face (which may or may not be due to the jolt from the sudden stop knocking the kebab out of his hands), focused on my face. But you know what? I didn’t care. I strolled off the bus casually and walked towards her, hands in my pockets, grin on my face, looking exactly how I wanted to.

“Hey! You said you wanted to meet?” I said.

“Yeah! I’m glad you came.” She smiled coyly

This was going perfectly, maybe I finally had a chance with her?

“So what did you want to ask me?” I could finally say what I've wanted to say for four, long hard years. “Did you wanna grab a bite to eat?”

“Sort of! I was wondering… if you could buy me some food?”

I thought about it, and realised that she was asking me out on a date! My whole body filled with the same euphoria from before, but on a whole new level. My long nights of waiting, video chatting with her just to give her test answers, only texting when she’s bored, dealing with her problems ahead of my own were at an end. I finally reached the point where the seed of a relationship could be nurtured, and grow into a beautiful flower.

I fumbled with my words, but eventually replied, “S- Sure, where do you wanna go?”

“Just the corner shop here please.” She replied, I didn’t understand.

“So after school?”

She looked at me as if I was speaking Chinese, laughed, and replied,

“No... right now? I forgot my purse.”

I realised.

She wasn’t asking about a date, or a meet-up, or anything that could ever lead to that.

She was asking for me to buy her lunch, and leave her alone.

I realised in that moment, that Jane thought of me as a tool, and nothing more. I was an instrument of self-benefit , providing her with conversation, helping her with work and buying her food. She could never say this, so instead she dropped hints with her behaviour. This was the biggest hint I was going to get.

My voice went cold, but I continued.

“Sure, I’ll get you lunch."

Her face went from uncomfortable to complete joy, her tool had completed its job, and she would receive her lunch, and leave, with no ties to me whatsoever.

As I went inside the shop I got more and more emotional, sadness, fury, anxiety all were bubbling away like some sort of hellish soup, I passed the fridges, the coldness was outmatched by the newfound icicles in my heart, I grabbed a sandwich, and headed to the till. I look out of the window to take another look at the girl I love who wants nothing to do with me and-

She’s laughing. On her phone. And she’s holding…

Her purse.

I almost dropped the sandwich as a million thoughts came into my head. Was this just so she could save money? Was this for the kick of getting someone to serve her? Did she do this just so I would take time out of my day to come and complete mundane tasks for her like some little elf? I exit quietly, and listen to what she’s saying, crouched behind a parked van.

“Nah it’s because he’s in love with me, the stupid freak! He just does whatever I want! It’s crazy, he buys me stuff, he responds instantly to any messages, he gives me all the answers to all the tests, it's like having a butler!”

My knees buckled as I leant and slid down the van. So it’s true. She doesn’t like me, and she views me as a bloody butler. Fantastic. After everything I did for her, why couldn’t she just say what she meant? She strung me along like a doll, and she used my feelings for own benefit.

The hellish soup from earlier started to boil over and spill out in the form of tears running down my face. It’s the first time I’ve cried in years, and it’s all because of her, everything is because of her! I swore through the tears, cursing how she managed to reduce me to a crying heap behind a van on the dirty floor, with cars whizzing past inches from my feet, as they tremble with the rest of my body as I try to expel all the pain inside me without making a noise loud enough to alert her. I hear her speak again,

"Yeah he's still in there! He's buying me lunch right now, and I can probably get him to get me something on the way back as well!"

I snapped.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m gonna tell her exactly what I think straight to her face. I’m gonna say that I did love her, but not anymore, I’m gonna tell her that she’s disgusting, that she’s evil, treating people like gravel to be stepped on. I’m gonna tell her that she deserves someone as horrible as herself, and that she can go and buy her own bloody lunch, and take her own bloody test, and next time she’s bored, she can talk to someone else, instead of treating me like a chatbot, a piece of equipment. 

The most important thing, I am going to do all of this without crying, I will not shed one tear, and I shall speak with confidence and pure comedic wit.

I stand, and I start to walk towards her. Each step takes specific effort, as I heave my body up, and wipe the tears from my eyes.

“It is time.” I say to myself, dramatically

My walk becomes a stride, as my confidence rises with each step. I start mapping out exactly what I'm going to say, what parts of her personality I'm going to attack, how I'm going to say it. I see her, and my heart doesn’t stop, my feet don’t wobble. I'm going to tell her exactly what I think. I walk right up to her and say-

“Here’s your lunch!”

She looks at me with a gleam in her eyes. I cannot believe what I have just said.

“Awwww, thanks! Well, see you soon!”

She walks away. Where are you going? How can she leave? Why couldn’t I speak?

I watch her, motionless, she gets on the bus and vanishes from my sight. 

I knew right there that my chance was gone. My intricate thoughts and feelings, bursting at the seams, completely ready to slay her where she stood, and I couldn’t say them out loud.

As I stand in the cold, people passing me by, I sit down on the floor. A few odd looks, but no one really cares. Time moves on no matter what you do, and I realised that today. Am I condemned to a life of pure obedience? For once, could I not just say what I wanted to say? Am I really that weak?

All these ideas were flashing in front of my eyes, as I sat cross-legged next to pigeon shit on a dirty London pavement, crying.

Moral of the story?

Take public speaking classes.