Crosswords, Coffee, and Crazies

This is the third “chapter” in a series. The other two are Part 1 https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/vvegho/ and Part 2 https://blog.reedsy.com/short-story/99luv9/

~~~

“What cigarette brand used the phrase ‘I will eat my hat’ in the 1960s…two words, second letter is a U?” Kramer stared at Jane quizzically and put his paw on her leg. She tapped the pen on the arm of the chair thoughtfully in time to his thumping.

“Come on bud, you gotta help your old mom out here. You’ll get a treat when I finish the puzzle.”

Kramer wagged his little rat tail so hard it was thumping loudly against the leg of Jane’s comfy old blue wingback chair.

“Where’s your pap when I need, him, huh, bud?” Jane said as she scratched Kramer between the eyes and tried to tame his ever present cowlick. “He was a smoker back in the day. I bet he would know the answer. M-A-R-L…nope. Wouldn’t be Camel. I have no clue…Hey Siri….what cigarette brand used the phrase ‘I will eat my hat’?”

“1965 Lucky Strike…”

“That has to be it…L-U…thanks Siri!! You are much smarter than I am.” Jane set her phone back on the end table and finished off the puzzle. Kramer stared at her woefully with his little tail flicking occasionally.

When Jane stood up, Kramer jumped up too.

“OK, Kram, let’s both have treats…do peanut butter and rice cakes sound good? “ Kramer let out a series of shrill barks. “You got it…peanut butter all around!”

~~~

“Did you finish the crossword in the paper this morning? “ Annie asked Jane as they sat sipping iced lattes at the Coffee Tree on Forbes.

“Yep, in pen, and I got them all. You?”

“Nope, missed a bunch of them. How the hell am I supposed to know what cigarette ad had some stupid phrase in It in the 60s. I wasn’t born then, and what the hell is the answer to the clue “holey moley?”

“Lucky Strike and ABC.” Jane stared up Forbes willing Squirrel Boy to appear in front of her.

“I don’t get It and stop staring up the street. It is Sunday and I am sure you new friend doesn’t work on Sunday. “

“What new friend…and I didn’t either, but it fit with the other answers.”

“The nut case from the Cage the other day…and what the hell does ABC even mean?”

“No clue and I am not looking for anyone…just people watching. Sunday in Squirrel Hill in the spring brings out the crazies.”

“So how did you figure it out and you admit that Tattoo boy is crazy…”

“He’s not, and honestly, stop calling him Tattoo boy…I asked Siri for some help and she told me.”

“OK, so Ethan is crazy,” Annie said as she stared at her friend, “and you cheated?”

“Stop with the Ethan stuff…this is not about him and I didn’t cheat, I just got a little help. I think of it as learning and Siri is my teacher, just like you say Google is your other brain”

“You make me crazy for two reasons…you are in denial about Tattoo boy and you cheat on crossword puzzles. No wonder you can do the puzzles in pen.”

Jane sipped her latte and started staring down Forbes toward Murray. The pencil-selling panhandler was standing in front of the Squirrel Cage. She watched as an elderly woman handed him a few dollars and he handed her a bright yellow pencil.

“The ironic thing is his sign is in black marker, but he sells pencils?” Jane said gesturing down the street with her chin.

“You are changing the subject.”

“You were talking about crazy and I am talking about the dude that sells pencils, although it probably is not politically correct to call him crazy. What is the politically correct way to address him, it’s hard to keep up on this stuff?”

Annie shook her head and pushed her sunglasses up to the top of her head and gave Jane the eye brow/nod look.

“What…why are you giving me that look…that is the same look my mother always gives me when she thinks I am wrong.”

“You aren’t wrong, you are just a master at subject changing and deflection.”

“What, you took one psych class and now you are a master at diagnosing deflection?”

“I have taken two classes, and yes, I am a master and you, my lovely friend are deflecting. Do you want to talk about…you know…him?”

“The pencil guy?”

“Oh, for goodness sake, Ethan, Tattoo boy?”

“Why would I want to talk about him?”

“Because you have been mooning over him since we had dinner the other night. It’s not like you to moon over boy toys.”

Jane threw her wadded up straw wrapper at her friend and it landed in the curls that touched her shoulders. Annie picked it out and tossed it back, and it landed on the table between the two women.”

“First of all, no one says mooning, unless they are showing their ass to someone and second of all, no, I really don’t want to talk about him. And, It isn’t what you think.”

“Well then what is it?”

The two stared at each other for a long moment. Jane noticed the woman who had bought a pencil from the homeless dude sitting at the next table leaning in toward Jane and Annie’s table trying nonchalantly listen to their conversation.

“The walls have ears, Jane whispered. “I will grab us lids. Let’s go for a walk.”

The elderly woman looked sad as Jane walked into the shop and came out with two lids.

“So, spill it. What is the deal with you and this kid?”

“You admit he is a kid.”

“Guy, kid, what the hell, I am not playing semantics with you here.”

“Well, he looks like a kid to me. Like he could be….” she paused and turned around looking behind her. The lady at the Coffee Tree was watching them walking. Jane caught her eye and the women turned and started staring the other direction. “He looks like what I pictured our kids would have looked like if we had them.”

“You and…”

“Don’t say his name out loud…I don’t want any Beetlejuice effect happening,” Jane said trying to break her dark mood. “Of course, who else. He could easily be our kid…he looks like he’s in his late 20s.”

Annie started counting on her finger, “You would have had him when you were 16…”

“Stop doing math…I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“I understand. You think that Squirrel…” Jane glared at her friend. “You think that HE, looks like a kid that you and….HIM…would have had when you were 16…did I get those semantics right?”

Jane finished her latte and put the empty cup in the trash bin. She was staring up the street toward Shady.

“Yes, that is exactly what I am saying and it makes me sad.”

“You would not have been able to take care of a kid at 16.”

“I know that, that isn’t the point, it is just that this kid looks like he could have been ours. What does your two-psych-classes-under-your-belt-training have to say to that one?”

Annie looked down for a few seconds, finished her coffee, and added her cup to the trash bin.

“I am sorry that…HE dumped you. I am sorry that you didn’t have his kid and I am sorry that this kid reminds you of him.”

“Three times dumped and thank-you-very-much. I am sad also.”

“If it is any consolation, you know my kids love you to pieces,” Annie said hugging Jane. “When they get mad at me, they always say that they wished that you were their mom and not me.”

“Well, I would be a terrible mom and you are a wonderful mom, so that isn’t going to happen.” Jane said wiping tears from her face. “Besides, Ari is not my type and I am not about to be a single parent.”

They both laughed.

“So, you aren’t thinking about trying to ask him out?”

“Ari…absolutely not.”

“Ethan?”

Jane turned away.

“Seriously…first you think he looks like your kid and now you want to go out with him. I need a hell of a lot more psych classes before I can analyze that one. Is that some kind of Oedipus thing in reverse? This is seriously making my head hurt.”

“He’s not my kid and may be he is older than I think so he couldn’t even be my kid…he just reminds me…” Jane looked at Annie and sighed.

“Do you really want to date someone who reminds you of him?”

“I didn’t say he reminds me of him, just of us…if we would have had a baby.”

“And you don’t think that is creepy?”

“I don’t know. I shouldn’t have even told you.”

“Of course, you should have told me. That is what best friends are for.” Annie hugged Jane. Seeing her friend crying made her sad.

“Let’s change the subject…how about we go order some Mineos’ and take it back to my house? The kids were pissed you blew us off last week after work. And you can bring Kramer so Gin Gin has someone to play with.”

The pair turned around to head toward Mineos. The door of the Record Exchange opened a blonde boy hip checked Annie on his way out. Freebird was blaring from the speakers into the street.

“Dude…” Annie said loudly. The boy turned around, and flipped them off. Jane studied his arm, no tattoo.

“Cause Lord knows, I'm to blame,” the song crooned menacingly at Jane.

“People are so freaking rude,” Annie said rubbing her hip. “Honestly, kids these days must be raised by wolves.” 

The elderly woman at the Coffee Tree was staring at them having witnessed the door encounter. She shook her head. Annie smiled at the woman.

“Wolves in sheep’s clothing,” Jane said. “That was also a crossword clue…but I knew the answer to that one. It was ‘Matthew.’ How freaking ironic is that? Crap…I hope it’s not like Beetlejuice…don’t want him to appear.”

The two stopped for a half a second and nothing happened. Then, Annie and Jane continued down Forbes, past the Squirrel Cage and turned down Murray to get a pizza.