The Solace Seeker

THE SOLACE SEEKER   

"let me tell you something my friend, hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane"' I did not read this quote in Stephen King's book but rather I heard this confusing yet so relatable dialogue in the movie Shawshank redemption when these words were said in Red's (Morgan Freeman) despairing, despondent voice. It did not make sense to me because baba always said, "Life is worth living and you can always find happiness in people around you" How can baba ever be wrong? Everything he ever said somehow made sense, it gave me confidence it made me believe in this cruel unforgiving world. But I forgot to ask him... baba "what if no one is around? What if I don't find happiness in people? What if they all leave just like you left me?" he was my hero, he never let me down always took care of me no matter what. Despite having a broken bike, torn clothes, and not enough money to buy a new pair of sandals, he never complained he was so optimistic even at the most difficult times. How did he do that? Maybe I can never understand.

My cigarette was almost finished I didn't even take a single puff, it kept on burning and burning and eventually, I had to throw it, well I think my life is like this cigarette, I am just waiting for it to completely burn. 

"would you like to talk a bit more about your father? It will certainly help you to open up" 

Said my therapist Mr. Khan. Six and a half feet tall Pashtun fellow, he is a kind man he took me in therapy when my classmates suggested to the university's health center that I need medical attention. 

"I don't think it can" I replied 

"did you sleep well last night?" he asked

"I haven't slept in 3 days doctor. Whenever I close my eyes, I hear screams, I hear cries of help!"

"I should've been there with him when he died, who knows maybe I could have died with him" My voice broke down and tears followed, I couldn't look up to Mr. Khan I felt this great burst of agony and guilt at the same time.

"here you go son, have some water"

"It's not our fault, there is nothing you could have done" after a long pause he suggested,

"Perhaps you should write it down, that will help," he said assumingly.

I glanced at him in misery, I whipped off my tears and looked at the clock.

"it's 4 pm sir perhaps I should leave, I need to be there, at my job"

I work as an International sales agent at a call center. We sell braces, what a pathetic job! it is miserable in every way but so am I so that's why it is a perfect match. It is set up on the 1st floor of the old district office building. They evacuated it because it was as old as the British raj. That thing would surely collapse if there's an earthquake. Walls are cracked up and the roof leaks as if someone had a tap running, there are no windows as the big holes in the wall suffice for ventilation, mosquitos and rats are here for adequate company, the people here were shady, no one would talk with anyone, but it was written all over their faces how much they hated this place and they would kill to get out of here. All you can hear was the busy road, the buses, and rickshaws with their vexatious, galling horns. People would fight almost daily on the streets and that one bloody workshop! Where they repaired car bonnets, all you can hear were bangs and thuds and the sound of the hammer hitting the steel, it is torture, you want to punish someone? Just bring him here and I assure you they will beg for mercy. Who would love to work in such a shit hole, but sometimes you don't have a choice, I needed to pay for my tuition so had to bear with this drenched place or maybe I was attracted to this dark, gloomy, melancholic place.

I use to walk home every night at 2 am when my shift ended or should I say I choose to walk, I was never fond of public transport so many new faces all glanced towards you when you enter the bus, it makes me feel anxious and nervous. People—people make me nervous. Walking helps me to ease off. I talk to myself for company, sometimes I cross the road without looking because I am so indulged in my thoughts, often I'd skip streets and then later realize… okay this is not where I am supposed to go… gosh! What were you thinking! But on my way home I always take the 22nd street behind the market, I love this particular place, it's dark but quiet you can see a few junkies sleeping on the footpath a broken light shade at the end of the street, there is no noise, hustle, rush no car horns or hammer banging on steel, no Mr. Khan asking me things I don't want to answer. It's just me far from the city life, from the stress, from all the worries. I always sit on the far side of the street on the footpath along with the broken light shade and I smoke a few cigarettes.

"look baba I found happiness in this dark, depressing place I think this is where I belong"

"I know you said I can find happiness in people, But I am struggling to find any"

"It shatters my soul, but I think you were wrong baba" 

"or maybe I am not strong enough!" 

I don't know why that day I looked up at the sky and said these words, I cried my heart out that night no one was around to console me except a few wasted junkies. Somehow every night I gathered all the strength I had to pick myself up and go home. To be honest, since that day I never really wanted to go and live in the same house in which I 

once lived happily in, I didn't want to corrupt the memory, but sometimes we are just helpless.

We use to live in a two-room apartment, the building had 12 floors and we lived on the 7th, I don't have the strength to go in baba's room it reminds me of him so I decided to leave the room untouched and locked it until the day I have enough strength to go inside. I still remember that day we did breakfast together,

"How is your class going?" baba asked that day, 

"well you know I get nervous around people baba, also I don't like how rude and show off some of the students are all they talk about is money—money—money"  

"Bahahaha" he burst out laughing 

"son remember, all five fingers are not equal. You will find different sorts of people everywhere you go! Some might be bad with you others might not! Always try to look at the good that is in people's heart" he followed 

"Oh! Look at the time I am already late! Finish up and do the dishes before you go, I will see you in the evening" he went off,

And never came back, that day I received a call around 5 pm from the hospital, I reached there all drenched in sweat I did not know what to do, my senses were fading nothing made sense to me, what was going on? What did I do to deserve this! A thousand thoughts escaped my mind. Until the doctors came and told me he couldn't make it! He was hit a truck on the way to his office that's all I was told. After that day my life was never the same.

That day it had been 5 months and 17 days since the incident, as I walk towards my apartment's gate I unlock the door with trembling hands, I walk into my dusty messed up space, my coffee cup unwashed, dirty clothes lying on the sofa, water dripping drop by drop from the sink's tap. The cracked oil paint on the walls, the broken tiles on the kitchen floor is all I lived with. I decided to take Mr. Khans advise although I never visited him ever again, I don't know why but I decided to write it all down I don't know what I was writing or why. Believe me, I was clueless, but these are the words that came pouring out of my mind.

Confused, I don't know what to do.

I don't know whom to talk, is anyone even alive?

Will I even survive?

I have lost every ounce of breath I had.

These walls are covered in marks, blood may be mine.

my hands crawled upon the walls throughout the night trying to escape now my fingers bleed,

My eyes have dried out,

My voice has faded,

My soul is shattered.

Drowning in the sea of sorrows someone awaits me,

it's the only warmth that I'll ever get,

Waiting for me is death!

In these last moments of misery

as I'm about to die,

time seemed to have stopped suddenly,

I remembered all the bullies,

I remembered all the lies,

I remembered all those who left,

I remembered every tear that I cried,

I remembered all the pain I bared,

I remembered all those lonely nights,

I remembered the time when I said

I am fine.

I couldn't sleep because of the pain,

Every time I closed my eyes I saw my failures

I realized the lies I realized that I was forbidden,

That happiness was kept away from me, hidden.

I couldn't look up to anyone,

I was a complete failure,

A disguise at times,

Having committed so many crimes,

Finally, death has prevailed, and my misery has now come to an end.

I hereby write to you from hell,

Where god has sent me to dwell,

I like this dark place,

I like the fire and I like the people maybe we all are very similar,

This place seems very familiar,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm even dead??

No one should suffer as I did,

No one should be in such despair.

And if you're reading this then I want you to hear,

There's nothing to fear,

I hope it's not contagious,

Well don't take any chances it's time for you to flea,

Just make sure to stay away from me.