The Ineffectuality in Life

The Ineffectuality in Life

The power was out again, but that didn’t mean shit to us. Power outages happened all the time when you lived in this neighborhood. It was a cold winter night in New Hampshire, and I was frustrated. I looked outside and saw the other neighbors still had their lights on. This meant that mama didn’t pay the bill. “Mama! Mama!” I hollered. My younger brother who was playing in his walker started to scream. I must have scared him. “Mama! The light’s out again!” No response. I was too young to deal with this and we were too young to deal with this. I was ten years old and this was my reality.

I walked towards the one bedroom we had where my mum slept and entertained. “Ma. The power is out did you pay the bill?” I said as I knocked. “Call the light people mama!” I continued knocking as the swell of responsibility rose in my chest. I reached for the doorknob and it was unlocked. I twisted to the right and let myself in. I didn’t see her in the bed, but her legs stuck out from the closet. They were the only things I saw but it didn’t scare me. I knew what this was. I knew who she was.

 I waited as I leaned over and looked. “Ma? Did you hear me Mama?” I walked over gently on the torn carpet filled with cigarette burns. I stopped as the moon shed a bit of light and then I saw her. She was awake but unresponsive, aware but not alert, in the cusp of consciousness and fantasy as her head bobbed and nodded with drool coming out of her mouth. She sat enjoying her high with a needle in her arm and an untied belt by her side. I wonder where she was now as she dreamed of better days or if she dreamed of her past or her future. Some of her clothes were hanging off hangers and others strewn on the floor among shoes and accessories. What little she had, what little we had was hardly taken care of.

I remembered I need to take care of my brother as I heard him starting to fuss. I got up from the dirt ridden floor picked up Sincere and got him in a snow suit with a jacket, hat, gloves as well as boots. I wanted him to remain warm for as long as possible. I heard a mumble it sounded like my name. “Shan, Shani, Shani” I laid my brother on the couch with pillows on the sides so he wouldn’t roll and get hurt. We couldn’t afford a crib. I lightly walked back to the one bedroom in the back, it reminded me of a cold cave, an igloo at this time. The coldness from my mother, the room, and now the apartment reminded me to grab my coat as well. I went back to check on my mother Shaniya.

Armored now with my own jacket, gloves, hat and boots I gently walked back to the room with her jacket and boots. I stopped at the door and sighed before I entered. I needed to prepare myself before I walked in, before I would have to remember this day, this image for the rest of my life. I walked in to see legs still outstretched from the closet. I walked to the bed and grabbed the blanket putting it on top of the scarred legs from needlepoints. This time the needle was out of her arm and by her side next to the brown belt. “Shani, bitch you’re so beautiful you get that shit from me.” She howled, slapped her knee and laughed but it all looked in slow motion. “Bitch back in my day I was the baddest and still am.” I looked at her and lowered my head. “Don’t you judge me. I work hard. I deserve a break. I deserve to treat myself after birthing two motherfuckers that their daddies didn’t want” I heard this all the time. To her I was nothing but governmental assistance.

The moon still shined into the room. “Ma the power is out. We are gonna get cold and Sincere needs food. She had nodded off. “Huh what you say about the hood?” I tapped her blanket covered leg “come on mama please.” “And what you want me to do about it?” She snarled. “Well did you pay them? What about food?” I asked. “I don’t know what y’all gonna eat, but I got my food right here.” She held up the needle sluggishly. This was hopeless without my mother there’s no power, without power there’s no food, without food, we’ll have no energy, without me Sincere will have nobody. How was this life chosen for me? She nodded off once again I sat there and looked at her. Disappointment and hurt etched on my face while she had a look of bliss and euphoria. She was so elated and dazed at the same time. Both internally powerful yet externally powerless. As she sat there dreaming of days gone and days to come, she drooled with a slight giggle. “What am I supposed to do bout it?” she whispered.

I sat down wondering of the days to come. How many days would we be powerless? Stuck in the same cycle with no progression? Is this the life chosen for me? How will I break free from this? How can I be elated internally and externally? I wondered these thoughts as I realized this wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last. My heart broke for Sincere, I could survive this, but he was innocent.

I watched as she kept nodding in and out of consciousness, barely feeling the cold. In the sweet medium between consciousness and deep sleep I watched with envy. How could she be so selfish and unaware. My stomach growled. I remembered I didn’t eat. I got up and got Sincere and headed out of the apartment. I went two doors down to our saving grace 222 Ms. Kenya. Ms. Kenya somehow made enough for us even though she could barely make ends meet. I knocked gently while Sincere fussed at the cold air. I knocked once again, and he cried. She knew it was us. She opened the door “Hey Ms. Kenya” “the power is out” we both said at the same time. She knew and she was always there for us. I could never forget the kindness she showed, I was ten years old and this was my reality.