Dave Walks Among Us

In retail, you see pretty much every crazy thing and/or person imaginable, but you never expect to meet someone THAT crazy. When I say crazy, I mean, pretty sure just escaped from mental hospital crazy. Who else goes into a grocery store wearing tattered black robes and carrying a scythe? This guy wandered around for 15 minutes just looking at everyone. That’s not the strangest thing people do in stores, but at least they do it in normal clothes. Eventually, he comes up to my register. I managed to get the one tucked in the corner and I’m kind of invisible. The store is packed but no one was at mine, so I was happy to have something to do. He turns to face me. I wouldn’t say face me though, because he doesn’t have a face. It’s just a skull with two black pearls the size of my fist for eyes.

“Can..can I help you with anything?” I ask tentatively. Those

strange eyes just keep staring. “Umm…is there anything in specific you’re

looking for?” At this point, I’m just trying to stick to my training.

His voice is raspy as he says something that sounds like a

waiter.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t understand you.”

Slowly and surely he raises a skeleton hand and points at the

bottles of water I have. I give him one and, with that weird gravelly voice, he

says “Thank you.” I could understand it this time, strangely.

He takes a long drink of water. If this were a frat party

everyone would be chanting ‘chug, chug, chug, chug!’ Fortunately, this was a

grocery store, so the only screaming was from kids in the candy section. He

eventually comes up for air.

“What’s up! My name is Death, but most people call me Dave or

‘No, I don’t want to die yet!’ Somehow, they know it’s me before I even

introduce myself. It’s weird anyway what’s your name?”

The pieces clicked into place. Tattered robes, scythe, smelled

kinda like death. This was death himself.

“Hi, Dave.” The words stumble out of my mouth. “My name is

Marie. I don’t have any other names.”

“Marie! What a cool name! I haven’t heard that one in a while.”

I had just realized that Dave had a normal voice now. He sounded

like someone who was raised in Texas but spent quite a bit of time in

California. This was the strangest day I had ever had. And one I had a customer

come in who put cats in her hoodie and made it look like she was a walking mass

of cat heads.

“So, Dave,” I said awkwardly. I even did little finger guns

because that’s what you do when death is standing at your cash register. “What

can I do for you?”

“Uh, this is a little weird but you’re kinda sorta going to die

soon. I’m here to collect your soul and all that.”

“Why exactly am I dying soon? I’m 19 working in a grocery store

to pay for college. There is no reason for me to die.”

“I messed up this one death and the guys not dead, but I can’t

find him now. They don’t keep track of who dies, just how many souls they have.

I chose you because you have said ‘I want to die’ or some variation of that 216

times this month. Also, I was in the area.”

“You chose a broke college student over the old hag down the

street?”

“You shouldn’t call people old hags. That’s highly offensive.”

“She sits in an alley with three cats and waves a stick at

anyone who passes by. And she yells incoherent nonsense all the time. That’s

the textbook definition of an old hag.”

“You don’t know her life!”

“She got married young, had two kids, then worked a nine to five

job in finance. She used to be a great woman but then her husband died, and her

kids moved away.”

“How do you know so much about her?”

“She’s my mother.”

He made a strange face. “Moving on. I have to collect one soul

today and the best option is yours.”

“Let’s make a bet.”

“Over what exactly?”

“If I can find you, one good soul that won’t object to dying by

the end of the day, I don’t die. If I can’t, then I die, and you can take me on

your jobs or whatever.” I stuck out my hand and rose my eyebrows.

Dave grabbed my hand and shook it, “Deal.”

We wandered around the crowded aisles looking for someone who

would be willing to die. Dave wanted to shout, “Hey, who wants to die!” over

the PA system but I vetoed that idea. And after his two attempts to do it

anyway, he is now under constant supervision.

Strangely enough, no one seems to notice the fact that death

walks among them. We spot a cranky old dude standing beside the pharmacy

counter and walk up to him.

“Sir, this is a …odd question but would you like to die?”

“Quite honestly yes but I just go my prescription refilled. It

costs too much to not use it. Come back in two weeks.”

We thank him and walk away. The day goes on and on and on. I’m

technically supposed to be working so I have to hide every time my boss walks

by. I hide pretty well but Dave…didn't. He keeps poking his head out the aisle

to look, then I tell him to stop and he almost knocks over shelves. Overall, we

only knocked two shelves over the course of the day. The ones that fell because

the original shelf hit them weren’t our fault.

We couldn’t find a single person who truly wanted to die. We

asked people and a bunch of them said yes, but once Dave introduced himself,

they got all scared. It really made a dent in his self-esteem.

At the end of the day, we hadn’t found anyone.

“A deal is a deal,” I told him. “Reap my soul or whatever it is

you do.”

“I don’t want to reap your soul though. You helped me and you

still want to live. It’s not fair.”

“I promised I’d come on your jobs with you and keep you

company.”

“Then I’d have to make you a reaper too and that’s not very cash

money of me.”

“Screw being cash money. I wanna be a reaper. Besides, the only

things in my future are a dead-end job and student loans. Being a reaper sounds

like a pretty cool job, man.”

“If you insist.” He hit his scythe on the ground four times and

mumbled some magic mumbo-jumbo. My body felt all tingly and it reminded me of

the time when I was five and sat basically in the fireplace while it was

burning.

The weird sensation stopped. I didn’t feel or look any

different.

“Hey! Where are my cool robes?”

“We have to go down to the underworld to get them. Once we get

there your skin will melt off. It only hurts for a little bit, so don’t worry.”

“My skin is going to melt off? I didn’t agree with that part.”

“A deal is a deal. Come on, we have work to do.”

And with that, we walked out the door and headed towards the

underworld.