On Top of the World

I look at the list of new year resolutions again and groan.

I hadn’t imagined it, it was there.

It has been there for almost five years now, but I still don’t look forward to it.

I add it every year in the hope that it will happen, only for it to not.

Written in my neat handwriting which I use only for specific occasions, in black ink, with a little square next to it.

Get over your fear of heights (go bungee jumping with family this year).

I hate my past self.

At that time, that idiot thought that future me would be able to do it. That a major change would happen and that she will let go of her fears.

She was wrong.

Every year, my family goes on vacation to live in our summer house.

It has become almost an annual tradition to go bungee jumping together whenever we’re there.

And it has become another annual tradition for me to back out of it at the last minute and stay at home, munching on popcorn or eating ice-cream and watching one of the five movies which can play on the television without it blowing up.

Then my parents and sister would come back, narrating how exhilarating and wonderful and free it felt to be in the air for that split second.

It always fascinated me, how they were never feared it. How they did it without even a sliver of doubt, how they never thought about falling or the chance that the rope would snap.

They always asked me to stop being so negative whenever I expressed this. But I truly did wonder how they did it.

This year, I’m going to do it too.

It is a long time coming.

I’m not going to back out this time around.

******

The laughter in the car doesn’t cease.

I told them that I’m going to jump with them this time.

Yes, I made the funniest joke ever.

Tanya soon stops laughing, gasping for air and holding her stomach in pain.

“Yeah right,” she says, giggling.

I’ve always envied my older sister, more athletic and carefree than I could ever be.

And also, more hurtful than I could ever dream.

“Tanya! Don’t discourage her. I’m sure that you can do it this time,” Mom says from the front seat, smiling at me in the mirror.

She has more trust in me than I have on myself.

It’s scary sometimes, to live up to the high expectations she has of me.

At least that means that Tanya gets a scolding from her, and I live for that.

“Yes, you can do it this time Vanessa, all of us believe in you,” Dad says, looking pointedly at Tanya, asking her to agree with his eyes.

“Yeah sure. We believe in you,” she says, rolling her eyes.

I know she doesn’t mean it.

“I can and I will,” I say.

And I mean it.

******

We reach our summer house, and as we get refreshed after our long road trip, I sit on my bed, having taken a shower minutes ago, and just reflect on the fact that I’m actually going to do this.

I’m going to conquer this fear.

I don’t expect myself to be rid of it entirely, but I must be able to tell myself in the future that at least for a few minutes, I had overcome it.

Am I ready?

Am I ready to let go of everything and just jump, not thinking about the height or the strength of the rope?

I sit there brooding for a while and then decide to get something to eat.

As I turn on the television, I know that tomorrow I won’t be able to.

Because I’ll be out, at a high spot, getting ready to jump and let go.

******

I glance at the page of my diary with my resolutions.

The empty square stares at me menacingly, threatening me to fill it after five years of it being plain.

I close the diary and keep it on the coffee table next to the couch. I need to tick it off as soon as I return.

We get into the car, Tanya questioning me repeatedly, trying to discourage me further.

I try not to throw up as we go to the spot, a hill popular among tourists.

As we go over to the place where we have to jump from, I make the mistake of looking down.

That’s a long way to fall.

I look away before my knees fail me.

Dad gets ready to jump first, putting on all the safety equipment.

He smiles at me, and I try to smile back, but I fail terribly.

He jumps, whooping in joy, and I look at his small figure all the way down.

As he is pulled up, Mom gets ready for her jump.

She looks beautiful jumping, her hair flying behind her, her arms held out wide, laughing with joy.

Next goes Tanya. She looks at me and smirks before jumping backwards and spinning gracefully, just to show off.

I roll my eyes to try and forget about the fact that it’s my turn next.

As I’m fitted with the rope, I think about past me, the me who wouldn’t have dared to come here.

I owe it to her to do this.

I look down, and my knees begin to feel weak and my head feels light.

But I can’t quit now.

I close my eyes tight and jump.

At that split second, I feel almost like I’m flying, that there is no more gravity.

As I fall, the wind hits me, and along with it, the realization that I’m actually doing this.

I scream loudly and hold out my hands.

I feel free.

The wind rushing through my air, my stomach rising up to my throat.

As I’m pulled up, I wish that it would have lasted longer.

When I place my feet on the ground, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to walk.

Dad catches me before I fall to the ground and leads me to a bench.

As my family hugs me in joy, even Tanya giving me a begrudging smile, I have never felt happier.

I did it.

Albeit was five years late, I still did it.

I overcame my biggest fear.

I’m on top of the world right now.

And I love it.

******