So, it’s your first day in the zombie apocalypse, I gotta say, congratulations! You’re doomed for your whole life—unless some cure comes and saves the whole world from the zombie apocalypse. Something which will never come because scientists always die in zombie apocalypse movies.

You’re probably scared, confused, feeling awkward, and panicking every few or so seconds because you think that cat in your neighbor’s house is some zombie plotting to eat your brain.

I got good news!

Cats do turn into zombies, so . . . in case you still have Rocky in the house, keep him safe no matter what. He could be your #1 defense against cat zombies—which I gotta say, they’re pretty dangerous to deal with, just ask their nine lives about it.

What should you do?

Rule #1: Pack the Essentials

Yeah, you heard me right—the essentials. There’s no need for you to pack the whole collection of the Taylor Swift discography or that Star Wars action figure collection you kept in your closet for when the price would skyrocket and you’d be able to sell it for millions.

There’s no point now that the economy has collapsed and money won’t help you bargain with raiders—we’ll definitely get to that later—or dead-ass zombies whose only sole purpose is to eat your brains and turn you into their happy, dysfunctional family (yay!)

By essentials, I literally mean essentials. That is: food, clothing, water, medical supplies, weapons, and everything that’ll help you survive for the next 48 hours.

Food: That is, any kind of canned goods or things with a lot of preservatives that will help the food last longer. No frozen meat, or veggies, or any kind of thing that needs cooking. You don’t want to cook.

Making a fireplace is basically a way for you to shout, “HEY ZOMBIES, I’M HERE, PLEASE COME AND EAT ME.” So, yeah, not something you’d want to do.

Clothing: No football jerseys, no Air Jordans, and not those T-shirts you spent thousands of dollars getting. I don’t care what it says or if it helps with the drip. They definitely won’t help.

And no, you don’t want to wear that Batman costume that’s been in your closet, waiting to be used since that Halloween three years ago. Wearing a spandex Batman costume definitely won’t save your ass (trust me, I’ve done it).

Instead, you’d want to pack some:

Nice wool shirts (preferably ones that fit you. You don’t want to be using your brother’s clothing)

Cargo pants

Jeans

Socks

Boxers (pack extra ones in case of emergency; also pack toilet paper. Yeah, lots of toilet paper—you’ll be needing it)

Some comfortable boots that’ll help you run fast

Cap (this one is optional, really. More of a “hey I have a cap and you don’t” thing-y)

And remember: no brand-name things. No Nike, Adidas, Reebok, or Louis Vuitton.

Water: Self-explanatory, right? No Coca-Cola, or Pepsi, or those shitty “energetic” drinks that’ll elevate your blood sugar and leave you with more problems than you initially had.

Medical Supplies: This is where things get real. Zombies won’t wait for you to figure out how to stop a nosebleed or patch up a wound that you swear is not a zombie bite (sure, Kyle, we believe you).

Bandages (not just those cute cartoon ones)

Gauze

Antiseptic wipes

Hydrogen peroxide or alcohol (and no, not the kind you drink, you absolute goblin)

Painkillers (ibuprofen, acetaminophen, whatever you can grab)

Antibiotics if you can find them (good luck, future pharmacist)

Tweezers

Medical tape

Gloves

A thermometer (because “I think I have a fever” doesn’t cut it anymore)

Also, if you wear glasses, PACK AN EXTRA PAIR. Because like an ancient philosopher once said, “He who cannot see cannot stab zombies in the face.” Maybe Socrates or Diogenes or—

Point is, don’t be blind in a world full of monsters.

P.S. Contact lenses won’t do the trick, unless you want to have your eyes filled with trash and bacteria.

Weapons: Weapons—of course you need to have weapons in a zombie apocalypse. You thought I’d missed them?

Weapons are that thing keeping you alive, that friend that helps you start a conversation with the cute girl in your classroom, that friend that helps you with a very big lie in front of the teacher, and that friend who’d give up his life for you.

Check your drawers, the closet, the kitchen, or maybe the forgotten donation boxes for something that can be described as a weapon.

That is:

Guns (duh)

Rifles

Knives (the ones your mom used to make your food)

Baseball bat (extra points if it’s not sticky)

Machetes

Shovels

Basically, if you can swing it, stab it, or throw it, it’s a weapon now.

By any means, don’t bring those lightsabers you’ve been saving for the “special occasion,” because I’m here to tell you—the special occasion isn’t definitely this one, and the special occasion will probably never arrive.

Honestly? It’s better if you throw the lightsaber out the window. Trust me, bro.

Rule #2: Cardio Is Your New Religion

Unlike some popular belief that goes around dead internet forums or in the chats of videogame designers when creating a game—zombies are fast. They’re really, really fast. It doesn’t matter how deteriorated their muscles and articulations are, they’d do just everything to get their hands into another brain.

And that’s scary.

If you were that guy who’d get picked last in dodgeball, weighted a thousand pounds, and had cakes and cookies for lunch, I’m sorry to break it for you, but unless some great miracle happens, you’re doomed.

In an apocalypse, the people who survive are the ones who are most prepared, the ones that did some kind of training before and know how to move around places. Football, box, cycling, swimming, pilates, track & field. It doesn’t matter what sport you did, or what you like.

Cardio may just be your best friend.

So yeah, anytime you have free time, try running, just practicing for when the future comes knocking on your door and saying, “Hey, you need to run.”

Rule #3: Trust No One, Not Even Grandma

This rule is essential. Probably you’ve already watched too many TV shows, movies, and played too many games to understand what this rule is about—people get crazy after the apocalypse. It’s like if their true animalistic selves get out and all they want to do is kill kill kill.

Zombies aren’t even that crazy, man. It’s just people. People are fucking crazy. Especially the ones that call themselves the raiders. No, not the Raiders from Las Vegas that played in the NFL (or used to anyways, NFL isn’t a thing in the apocalypse anymore). No, these kinds of raiders are the ones you don’t want to meet anytime.

They usually come in clans of ten or so people, wear extensive armor, and paint their faces like a religious cult. They’ll kill, torture, execute, and erase everything that stands in their way, even if it means only fighting for the last piece of bread. It doesn’t matter if you’re a kid, are pregnant, have 20 years of combat experience, or are Usain Bolt in flesh.

DON’T get near these guys. It doesn’t matter the reason, just don’t get near these guys, and no, Todd, they won’t accept you in their clan just because you brought them some Twinkies; they’ll most likely take them and eat you (yeah, some raiders are cannibals).

What to do about it?

Rule #4: Have a Hiding Spot

Or more like a safe place where you can chill out and no one will bother you. A safe place where you know no one is getting inside of it, no matter what. This can go from a bunker, to a house in a tree, or a cozy cabin you found abandoned in the middle of a forest.

The key is this: it has to be yours. 100% yours, where you can spend all of your free time, away from the preoccupations of the new world—which isn’t that great—and away from death.

And yeah, you do have to barricade it. Lots of wood, metal, everything, put on death traps, whatever you want to do to keep the zombies (and raiders) away from your safe haven. You wouldn’t want them to steal from you, right?

Rule #5: Beware of Supermarkets

Walmart, HEB, K-Mart, Ross, Circle K, Target, Costco, Sam’s Club, CVS, 7-Eleven—you name it, be careful. Really, it doesn’t matter how lonely they seem, or how eager you are in getting that extra package of Oreos you haven’t eaten since the apocalypse started, just don’t.

They’re filled with zombies, like I’m talking hundreds of them, all waiting for someone stupid enough to walk through the double doors so they can have a nice little feast of human flesh, bones, and, of course, brains.

If you absolutely have to go, bring weapons—in plural. A machete, rifle, gun, AK-47, flamethrower, sword, whatever your hands can carry, bring it. Because supermarkets are the prime zombie state, why shouldn’t it be? Too many hiding spots, too much food, and too many rotten things (yes, I’m talking about the fruits and vegetables area. DON’T go in there).

You have everything you ever asked for, and that’s also why it’s all gone. Those Oreos you were searching for? Probably eaten by a zombie or already raided by some other guy who had the same idea as you, sorry.

Rule #6: Don’t Be a Hero

You’ve survived the zombie apocalypse and are now amongst the few people who are lucky enough to call themselves survivors—congrats, you’re already ahead of 98% of the population. You probably feel like a main character right now, don’t you? Don’t lie. Maybe you even gave yourself a cool nickname like “Lone Wolf” or “The Guardian.” Maybe you have your cool signature kill move and even narrate your life as if you were in some Netflix documentary, right?

Here’s the thing: you’re not special.

You’re just like all the other people (myself included), trying to find something in which they can bear this awful place called Earth. So you’ve decided to tell yourself, “maybe I’m the one who can save humanity.”

Believe me, you’re not.

It’ll just take a matter of days before you plummet into a horde of zombies, trying to kill them all because main characters can’t die, and before you know it, you’re lunch to all of those undead beings.

Great.

Don’t do that.

Rule #7: Find a Friend

I know, I know, I know exactly why I said earlier in Rule #3: Trust No One, Not Even Grandma, but once I explain this, I swear it’s going to make a lot of sense and you will be saying, “Oh, I get it now, thanks man!”

Let’s get real, living like a lonely hermit might work for a while until… until you start talking to rocks and arguing with squirrels because they didn’t want to join you for dinner. Yeah… humans aren’t built to be solo players.

In case you were asking: Yes, you can have friends. Yes, you should have friends. But (here comes the but), you gotta make sure they’re the right ones. If you started the apocalypse with your brother, mother, father, wife, BFF, girlfriend, boyfriend, aunt, uncle—stay with them, unless they’re total jerks, that’s acceptable.

And yeah, if you were lonely, there’s nothing to fear in meeting someone new in the apocalypse; you just gotta stick with your gut feeling and believe. Yes, that’s how I met my lovely girlfriend, don’t ask.

Rule #8: Enjoy

Like the last step in a cake recipe, enjoy. You’re still breathing, you’re still part of the 1% of the population battling against the zombie, and you can still stand up and shout, “I’m freaking alive.”

My advice? Treat this like a videogame: level up, kill zombies, loot for great weapons, try hitting a zombie blindfolded—just once, you really don’t want to try your luck that much.

Do the dumb, reckless, fun stuff you always wanted to do but never could—there’s nothing stopping you now, not even the zombies. It doesn’t matter if the world ended, that doesn’t stop you from having that life you always dreamed of.

C’mon, stop reading this and do a backflip or something.

FAQ

Q: How do I kill a zombie?

A: I mean, just kill them. Aim for the head; chest will just likely slow them down and you don’t want to just waste bullets, right?

Q: Is there a cure?

A: No, unless you’re some crazy scientist brighter than Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking merged together, then yes. But you’re probably not that guy, so no.

Q: What if my friend gets bitten?

A: You’ve got two options. 1) Cry and say goodbye 2) Put him down and not let him turn into one of those monsters. Or, if you’re stupid, 3) Deny it and let him turn you into a zombie.

Q: How do I know someone’s turning?

A: Symptoms: Pale skin, cold sweat, red bloodshot eyes, temperature, and a lot of vomiting. Although don’t confuse these symptoms with those of nut allergy, they’re kind of the same—check for bites instead, you don’t want to be killing people by error (I’m so sorry Tania).

Q: Can I play basketball in the apocalypse?

A: I mean, who asked this? Really? Steph Curry? Next question!

Q: Can I fall in love in the apocalypse?

A: Yes, you sure can. But remember Rule #3: Trust No One, Not Even Grandma, you don’t want to fall in love with some raider whose sole purpose is to steal all of your goodies and then leave you stranded in the middle of a desertic place with no place to go.