Me and Ernie the Wallaroo

I met Ernie the Wallaroo while visiting Dharug National Park located in the Central Coast region of New South Wales, in eastern Australia.

I was looking through my binoculars at gang-gang cockatoos, satin bowerbirds and green catbirds on the mountain slopes. I heard someone or something saying mate! Hey mate it shouted in an Australian accent. Help an Australian brother Roo out! I stopped looking at the wonderful sight to see who was calling me. All I seen was a moderately large macropod, intermediate in size between the kangaroos and the wallabies. The little cute cuddly looking animal said don’t look so surprised. An by the way I’m not a kangaroo I’m a Wallaroo. Don’t get me twisted now. I started rubbing my eyes to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. I’ve always have had problems with my hearing especially from being a landing signal officer aboard loud aircraft carriers for over 3 years.

To humor myself I say what do you want little fellow? He says I’m not little fellow mate. My name is Ernie. I say then where is Bert. Hey, mate I ain’t no member of Sesame Street. As you can see I live in the outback of Australia.

What can I do for you Ernie the Wallaroo I say? He hops up to me and looks me dead in the eyes and said that he needed my assistance to locate his girlfriend Isla quickly. Poachers kidnapped her three days ago and it was imperative that he locate her.

Now I know that I must be dreaming. Maybe I shouldn’t have fed that Koala Bear that overpriced fresh eucalyptus leaves the other day.

Do you possess one of those Ute’s (utility vehicle or pick up truck)? I’d like to get started looking for her before the temperature reaches 102 degrees in the Avro (afternoon).

Since I knew I was dreaming I thought that I would just play along and see where this unbelievable dream or nightmare would take me.

I’m leisurely walking back to my jeep while Ernie the Wallaroo hopping speed is about 20 to 25 km/h (12 to 16 mph), but speeds of up to 70 km/h (43 mph) can be attained over short distances, while it can sustain a speed of 40 km/h (25 mph) for nearly 2 km (1.2 mi).

When we got to the jeep he said it’s been a long time since he rode shot gun. I’m thinking to myself how in the world does this arrogant talking animal know anything about traveling as an armed guard next to a vehicle's driver. Then I instantly remembered I’m dreaming.

We’re making small talk as I exit the National Park. I say Ernie where should we look first? He digs into his pouch and pulls out a map. There’s a small park about 80 kilometers(50 miles) from here. That’s the place they took my mom and pops when I was a little Joey.

I revealed to him that I hail from Detroit, Michigan. I also declare to Ernie the Wallaroo that in 2017 crime rate in  Detroit, MI is 909 (citydata.com crime index), showed that the city is 3.2 times greater than the U.S. average. It was higher than in 99.3% of U.S. cities. Only St. Louis, Missouri and Baltimore, Maryland are worst. That’s why I’m here to get away from the violence in America.

He said in his whimsical speaking voice that your human crimes don’t got nothing on poaching. Wildlife poaching has negative side-effects that affect local communities, wildlife populations, and the environment. It is a crime fueled by a lucrative black market trade of animal parts. The animal parts are sold as novelty items and are sold for their “medicinal” properties. That’s why we gotta hurry up and find my love Isla. He started crying and I didn’t know rather to offer him a handkerchief or a manly hug. He surely wasn’t gonna get no Pash (passionate kissed) as he repeatedly said that’s what he missed most about Isla.

Suddenly he said that I should stop at Sero (gas station) so he could get a Bottle-O (Liquor). I wondered was he old enough to drink alcohol. I know that a dog that is one year old could be considered 7 years old, so I asked him while pulling over to fill my tank how old was he? He didn’t utter a wallaroo Australian slang word.  Such as Ripper (really great) or Fair dinkum (real, true, and genuine) or Slab (24 pack of beer) or Ta (thank you). You see I knew that the average age of a wild wallaroo tends to be less than 10 years, although some wallaroo individuals in the wild have been known to get closer to 20 years old. Wallaroos generally live to about the age of 23 when the wallaroo is in captivity.

I went inside and asked for 25 Kiribati dollars’ worth of Petro (gas). Ernie the Wallaroo hopped out of the jeep and demanded to know where is the Foster Beer I promised him. I say Ernie your not old enough to drink alcohol. He hops back into the jeep and ask can he at least get a pack of cigarettes. A pack of cigarettes cost $40 (£23). I handed him a carrot and pulled off without a word.  

We’re about 40 kilometers (25 miles) away from our destination Morisset Park a suburb of the City of Lake Macquarie in New South Wales, Australia on a peninsula east of the town of Morisset on the western side of Lake Macquarie. He starts singing "Do you come from a land down under… Where women glow and men plunder… Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder… You better run; you better take cover." He said it was his favorite song from Men at Work.

I turned on the CD player and started rapping to Eminem’s Lose Yourself

Look

If you had one shot, or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted

One moment

Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Yo

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti

He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to drop bombs

But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud

He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out

He's choking how, everybody's joking now

The clock's run out, time's up, over, bloah!

Snap back to reality

Oh, there goes gravity

Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked

He's so mad, but he won't give up that easy, no

He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes

It don't matter, he's dope

He knows that but he's broke

He's so stagnant, he knows when he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's

Back to the lab again, yo!

Ernie the Wallaroo precipitously turns off the CD of M&M’s I mean Eminem’s and demanded that I pull over. I did as he requested. It was a Wallaroo Hat store. I told him to sit tight as I ventured into the store. To my amazement there must have been over 1,000 hats all made out of Fair Dinkum wallaroo. The proprietor of the store offered me 700 US dollars for that wallaroo Ernie peeking through his window.

I thought about the wallaroo hat seller offer to but Ernie the Wallaroo because it was only a dream I was having. When I got back outside Ernie was nowhere to be found. Or seen. Hopefully, I would wake up now. Until I heard shattering of glass. Ernie was kicking in the big glass window of the shop. When the owner came running outside holding what looked like a bazooka shot gun. Ernie hopped into the jeep and told me to pull off. It was the first time I seen him laugh since we started on this unbelievable journey.

About 2 kilometers (1.24 miles) from our final destination we were stopped by the police. I pulled over as requested. The officer asked me where was I going with that Wallaroo. I say that I found him wondering around the city and thought that I would return him back to Dharug National Park I mean Morisset Park. He ignored that lie and asked me do I know why he pulled me over? I say because I got a wallaroo riding shot gun. He says no. I got a call from a wallaroo selling hat shop keeper that a real alive wallaroo went berserk kicking out his window. Now I’m really thinking I better wake up. To go to jail in a foreign country for the vandalism of a wallaroo was a bit too much to ever recover from awake or sleep. The police officer checks Ernie’s feet for evidence. I always thought wallaroos had paws.

Ernie the Wallaroo had enough sense to put on my spare boots before he started kicking in that huge glass window. He gives me a ticket for Ernie not wearing a seat belt.

When we finally get to Morisset Park it was closed. What was I supposed to do with this sometimes well educated belligerent talking Wallaroo until the next morning I thought? I didn’t have any camping equipment and none of the motels allowed animals especially them kicking in the walls wallaroos.

I’m not a nature boy so I slept in the Jeep while Ernie disappeared somewhere in the woods. In the morning I couldn’t understand why I was sleeping in my jeep in the parking lot of a place called Morisset Park. I didn’t have long to ponder what, when, and why I was there. When Ernie said good morning.

The park had opened and the parking lot was filled to capacity. I paid the $2.50 to enter and Ernie hopped off. I phantom that I would have a heck of a story to share with my grandkids one day if I ever got married. On my way out of the park Ernie the Wallaroo came hopping up to me. He said that he was too late. I say too late for what? His true love Isla has found another. That was the beginning of Me and Ernie the Wallaroo adventures.