Watts going on?

Ugh, I feel gross! I should get out of bed, maybe shower and eat something, but I feel like I have no energy. Have you ever felt that way? Like you've been unplugged? If I'm honest I think I have a back up generator inside me, because I've been pushing through all the storms that have come my way, but I think I am finally out of juice ya know...? Please tell me you understand, because I need to know I am not alone in this darkness. I dread turning on the bedroom light. Not even coffee could entice me from my black coma.

Maybe if I share my story with you, then you will be able to relate. Part of me hopes no one can relate, the other part of me hopes I have a band of humans that I can count on during this personal apocalypse. Are you also fumbling through the storm?

It all started with a divorce almost 8 years ago. That was a tornado I sent spinning by choice. Of course as with all tornadoes, there was no predicting the impact or wreckage that would be left behind, but I had to go. The power of love had been zapped from that relationship long before I ever spoke the warning message into the Emergency Broadcasting System. Totally unprepared to be homeless, penniless, and wounded, but that's exactly what happened. Thankfully, I had some people who huddled with me in the community bunker of broken marriages and single parenting. My kids, my dad and my step mother and some great friends, kept me looking for silver linings in the darkest sky I'd ever seen. My personal power felt so weak at that time I was thankful for the extension cords they offered. As the clouds were beginning to part and I began to unplug from the neighboring survivors, I

received an emergency alert that caught me off guard. My big brother died. I had seen the warning signs that looked liked alcoholism, mental health decline, and a cluster fuck of broken wires. He fell. Hit his head. Bled out. One divorce down and now a funeral. How do we prepare for such a brutal downpour. Flying

home in the aftermath, watching my birth mother wander lost in a vacant existence. I wish I could say it ended there. That clean up efforts had begun and life was returning to normal, but before the year ended my best friend and step mother lost her battle as a conductor of cancer. The disease began pulsing in her lungs and through alternating currents it spread far and wide. One

divorce and two deaths. I felt like I was running around replacing light bulbs and batteries in the smoke detectors as if that could have prevented this outage. Dad suffered the most internal damage. After 32 years of shared power supply with the love of his life, his fire went out before my very eyes. Have you ever watched a human die of a broken heart? No amount of defibrillation

could have brought him back. His lights went out 29 days later. This is when I experienced a personal black out. I know I went through the motions. Feeling through the sorrow, low beams through the fog, looking for a lighthouse that had never been built. Have you ever arrived at your destination, but didn't actually remember driving there? It was like that, only when I arrived, my

vehicle was beat to hell, broken parts lying all around, smoke billowing from the hood...airbags deployed. Bruised, bleeding and out of gas. Have you ever felt that powerless. So out of control you scared yourself. Who had I damaged along the way? I then began wading through a flood of guilt. Daughter guilt. Mom guilt. Sister guilt. Friend guilt. God guilt. What a mess! Much like the

aftershocks of an earthquake, within the year my grandmother died at 92. Oddly, I felt some solace in her long run at life. I had begun to think we were all getting the disconnect notice way to soon. I am not sure which is worse, have the electric company cut your lights off or simply using it all up slowly but either way, it is going to eventually get dark I suppose. One divorce, four

deaths...no wait, you thought I was done...five. My nephew pulled his own plug. Suicide. Did you know there is no emergency contact number to call that will give you the answers to sorting out the ripped up foundations of faith and grappling guilt that comes with that kind of quake. My wires are still crossed on that topic so I will leave that one there. I am so sorry for your loss...losses...oh God! You are so strong and brave they say. You have overcome

so much they say. You have weathered the storm they say. HA! Stop talking I say. Stop trying to have empathy or sympathy or any kind of connection with me. At this point I am off the grid and wish to no longer return to the source. If you add in the countless broken relationships, financial pitfalls, and day to day struggles to survive you would see it was pointless. So. I quit. I lay here in my bed, not tired but exhausted. Resources depleted. Faulty breakers. Fading

out. Nope, coffee and a shower will not cut it today. There was a knock at the door just now. Guess what arrived? Covid-19. FUCK!! I've got nothing left! Life has sucked me dry and now it wants more? The only words I can mutter are "Watts going on?"

Hey reader...are you there? You still with me? Hello? There is

static on the line. I only hear the echo of my own voice now. I hope you are still out there. I hope you find your way. I hope you know how to survive this one. I am out of ideas. They say stay inside, wear the mask, wash your damn hands!! Please don't disconnect the line. Please. S.O.S. Send help. I'm still here. Bring power.