AESOPUS EMENDATUS

I am writing this blog about the American writer Ambrose Bierce (1842- 1914) who has published many literary works. Here is a sampling from his DEVIL’S DICTIONARY:

ABSCOND: To move in a mysterious way commonly with the property of another.

ADAMANT: A mineral found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

ADDER: A species of snake so called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ASS: “Hail holy Ass, the quiring angels sing;/Priest of Unreason and of Discords King!/Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:/God created all else; the Mule, the Mule is Thine.

BACK: That part of your friend which is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

HAG: It would not be proper to call your wife a hag. That compliment is reserved for the use of her grandchildren.

HELPMATE: Wife or bitter half.

LOVE: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influence under which he incurred the disorder.

NEIGHBOUR: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

PALM: A species of tree of which is the familiar itching palm which is widely distributed and sedulously cultivated.

Having introduced Bierce, I will introduce his other literary achievements. He is the author of several short stories with surprise endings. Writer Clifton Fadiman has this to say about Bierce: ‘He has written about ghosts, apparitions, revenants, were-dogs, animated machines, extrasensory perception and action at a distance. In his works he makes a mincemeat of all civilized humanity – lawyers and weather forecasters, doctors and detectives, widows and photographers, editors and insurance agents, anarchists and female journalists, men and women’. Besides his writings on various subjects he has authored AESOPUS EMENDATUS (Aesop amended) in which he transforms Aesop’s writings. Here are a few of the amended tales:

FOX AND GRAPES: A fox seeing sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose and being unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not eat solemnly declared that they were out of his reach.

DAME FORTUNE AND THE TRAVELLER: A weary traveller had fallen asleep on the brink of a deep well.. Dame fortune saw it and said “If this man should have an uneasy dream and fell into the well they would say I did it. I don’t want to be blamed.” So saying she rolled the man into the well.

LION AND THORN: A lion asked a shepherd to remove a thorn from its leg. Shepherd obliged. Sometime later the shepherd was sentenced to being eaten by lions. When the lions were about to leap on the shepherd one of them said “This is the man who had removed a thorn from my foot.” Hearing this, the other lions honourably abstained and the claimant ate the shepherd all by himself.

HERCULES AND THE CARTER: A carter drawing a wagon loaded with a merchant’s goods got stuck in a rut. Without further exertion he prayed for help from Hercules.

Said Hercules “You indolent fellow! You ask me to help you, but will not help yourself.”

So carter helped himself to so many of the valuable goods that the horses easily ran away with the remainder.

HARE AND TORTOISE: A hare challenged a tortoise to run a race. A fox was made the judge and to be at the goal. The hare set off fast and the tortoise went at its own speed. After going some distance, tortoise saw the hare asleep and seeing a chance to win, pushed on as fast as it could arriving at the goal suffering from extreme fatigue and claiming  victory.

“Not so” said the fox “the hare was here long ago and went back to cheer you on your way.”

DOG AND REFLECTION: A dog passing over a stream on a plank saw his reflection in the water.

“You ugly brute” he cried “how dare you look at me in that insolent way?”

He made a grab in the water and getting hold of what he supposed was the other dog’s lip lifted out a fine piece of meat which a butcher’s boy had dropped into the stream.

LION AND MOUSE: A lion which had caught a mouse was about to kill him when the mouse said “If you will spare my life I will do as much for you some day.’

The lion good-naturedly let him go. It happened shortly afterwards that the lion was caught by some hunters and bound with cords. The mouse passing that way and seeing that his benefactor was helpless, gnawed off his tail.

LAMB AND WOLF: A wolf was slaking his thirst at a stream when a lamb came down the stream and passing ostentatiously round the wolf said “I beg you to observe that water does not run uphill. My sipping here cannot possibly defile the water where you are; so you have not the flimsiest  pretext for slaying me.”

“I am not aware” replied the wolf ‘”that I need a pretext for liking mutton chops.”

End of the small logician

CAT AND YOUTH: A cat fell in love with a handsome young man and entreated Venus to change her into a woman.

Venus said to the cat “Be a woman.”

Afterward wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused a mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a show of herself  that the young man would not marry her.

FARMER AND SONS; A farmer being about to die, and knowing that during his illness his sons had permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds while they gambled with the doctor, said to them:

“My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. Dig in the ground until you find it.”

So the sons dug up all the weeds and all the vines too and even neglected to bury the old man.

FOX AND CROW: (a la Bierce): A crow sat on a tree branch with a piece of meat in its beak. This was seen by the fox sitting under the tree. The fox said “You have a wonderful voice. Why don’t you display it?”

The crow transferred the meat to one of its claws and after cawing said “Here Take the meat from me which I’ll drop. I can get another piece. Thank you for praising my voice.”

Bierce is still readable though he is a minor prophet of hopelessness.

END