Ad Aeternum

It is the beginning of everything and he awakens like a drowning person breaching the surface with a toehold on the shore.

what is a person what is water what is breathing what is shore

But all of it is already inside his consciousness.

And then: “Come find me, David,” they say, and the longing is like a supernova expanding inside his being, and he is too small to contain it all, and this is not in his consciousness and he is afraid.

what is david what is fear

WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT

And then he is gone.

#

“Do you remember what it is now, David?” she says, and one light brown hand is on David’s pale, pale arm and the other hand rests on her round belly.

David must have been wool-gathering again. He shakes his head, rattling the beads in his hair. “Remember what what is?”

She smiles at him like a secret, teeth white in a dark, heart-shaped face. Her eyes are green and gold and as beautiful as the universe. “Me.”

“You are right here.” David frowns and covers her hand with his own. “I remained here for you when my crew sailed for home. I will always remember my duty to you.”

The smile fades away. Her eyes widen, then crinkle into pain, and she falls to the floor, hands clutching her belly, blood pooling from between her legs.

“Remember,” she gasps out, eyes desperate on his. “What comes after you are afraid.”

David’s hands are tingling and he is nauseous with terror. When the healer arrives, she says there is nothing she can do, that his seed has poisoned the woman, that he has planted a demon in her womb. Afterward, David looks at the body of his lover and he looks at the tiny rag of lifeless human flesh — not a demon, just a lost soul that took its mother with it — still attached by its cord, and then he walks out into the wilderness and he is gone.

#

“Do you remember what it is now, David?” he says, and one gloved hand is on David’s blue-sleeved arm and the other holds his bicorne hat against his red-coated chest.

David must have been strategizing again. He shakes his head, feeling his queue brush the back of his neck. “Remember what what is?”

He smiles at David like a secret, lips rosy pink in a porcelain pale face. His eyes are green and gold and as beautiful as the universe. “Me.”

“You are right here.” David frowns and covers his hand with his own. “You sheltered me here when I was left for dead by my men. I will always remember my debt to you.”

The smile fades away. Behind them, the hovel door bursts open with a cracking noise and soldiers stream into the small room, muskets pointed at David and at him, ordering them outside.

“Remember,” he murmurs, eyes tracing David’s face. “What comes after you are afraid.”

David’s veins are full of snowmelt and he can’t catch a full breath. When the officer approaches, he says there is nothing he can do, that David’s presence has doomed the man, that he has condemned him as a traitor for harboring the enemy. Afterward, David looks at the body of his lover — not a traitor, just a man trying to do good while on a different side of a terrible war — spilling so much red against new-fallen snow, and then he looks up at his executioners and he is gone.

#

“Do you remember what it is now, David?” she says, and one dark brown hand is on David’s sunburned arm and the other grips the horn-rimmed glasses on a chain around her neck.

David must have been working through the facts again. He shakes his head, catching his fedora as it slips sideways. “Remember what what is?”

She smiles at David like a secret, lips painted ruby in a mahogany face. Her eyes are green and gold and as beautiful as the universe. “Me.”

“You are right here.” David frowns in confusion and covers her hand with his own. “You came to me for help getting the news out to stop these riots and lynchings. I will always remember how frightened I am for you.”

The smile tips on one side, inviting him into the secret with her. Glass shatters as something comes through the front window of the office and hits her on the side of the head. She falls to the floor and David runs to her, dropping to her side as something else, something flaming, volleys in and lights the curtains up. He cannot hear the mob shouts outside over the sound of the screaming in his own head.

“Remember,” she demands, eyes intent on David’s face. “What comes after you are afraid. You’re so much closer than you’ve ever been.”

David’s heart is pounding and the tears rolling down his cheeks begin to evaporate in the blazing heat. When the fire fighters arrive, there is nothing they can do. They look at the burned bodies of the lovers — doing no harm to anyone, just an interracial couple trying to find a way through the world — curled together, and pronounce them gone.

#

“Do you remember what it is now, David?” he asks, and one hand is on David’s bare upper arm and the other takes a colorful cocktail from the bartender.

David must have been distracted by all of the people dancing in the club. He shakes his head, feeling his single earring bounce against his jaw. “Remember what what is?”

He smiles at David like a secret, teeth gleaming in a tanned, glowing face. His glitter-lidded eyes are green and gold as as beautiful as the universe. “Me.”

“You —” David wraps an arm around his waist and scoops him in, pressing a kiss to the side of his head — “are right here. Why do I need to remember when I have you right now?”

The smile wavers. The music changes to something with a heavy rattling bass. Someone screams and David smiles for a moment, thinking it is enthusiastic joy for the new song. Then multiple people are screaming, and the bass noise misses a beat and resumes in a rapid burst and David recognizes it as gunfire. “Get down!” he yells to the bartenders, and leaps the counter, dragging his lover after him and shoving him down to the floor. His hands are slick and he goes to wipe them on his tight jeans, thinking he put them down in a spilled drink, but they’re red with blood. He can’t hear the gunfire or screaming anymore over the sound of the ringing in his ears.

“Remember,” his lover whispers, eyes luminous in the half-dark under the countertop. “What comes after you are afraid. Do you remember?”

David is shaking but he yanks his tank top off and folds it quickly into a makeshift tourniquet. “Shut up talking like that. You’re going to be fine, okay?” He wraps the shirt bandage around his lover’s arm above the gushing wound, finding a mixing spoon someone had dropped on the floor nearby and using it to tighten the shirt until his lover winces and cries out.

“Here,” someone else says quietly, and David turns to find one of the bartenders handing him a towel. “It’s clean.”

David thanks him and presses the cloth against the wound. His lover is still gazing at him, lips going blue and cheeks paling under his makeup even as David watches, but his eyes still vibrant. David stares into them and for a moment he is so scared, so scared, there’s no room for anything else. There are whole past lives inside of those eyes, and he gasps in a desperate breath and he remembers.

“I love you,” he chokes out. “I’ve found you, and I remember. Oh, God, fear was the only thing I knew for a very long time. But I've always loved you, from the beginning of everything.”

His lover smiles, and it is like a supernova expanding inside his being, and even though David is still too small to contain it, he isn’t afraid anymore.