Uncle Jake R.I.P

Someone tries to say goodbye but keeps getting interrupted

Uncle Jake R.I.P 

Prince Philip of England passed away three days ago. He was the consort of Queen Elizabeth the Second for some 70 years. The British nation is in mourning. Millions of loyal subjects are saying “goodbye” to the Duke of Edinburgh, without being interrupted… It is peaceful and orderly, yet sorrowful. 

Uncle Jake died a week ago and the palaver to lay the old man to rest is enough to make the French Revolution seem like a child's bedtime fairy story. 

It is the most stressful assignment I have been given in my life!

Granted I am young. I am only 40 years. Well brought up, well educated, meticulous manners, handsome, sartorially and intellectually smart. A veritable “man about town” you might say. Ladies have been known to send me roses and boxes of chocolates. In all modesty, I can only agree that it was a sensible decision of the family elders to ask me to organize and conduct proceedings for the funeral service of dear old Uncle Jake, my Dad's eldest brother.

They considerately assigned Uncle Jake’s youngest grandson, Bradley aged 21 years to assist me. Woe and deprivation, I thought -- not being quite sure if I had the right wording – but it did have a nice ring to it.

The pandemic lockdown restrictions pointed me in the direction of using Zoom, a conferencing software application to hold a meeting for our family gathering. 

Brad had a valid question: “What do we do with the elderly ones who don’t have the devices and technological aptitude for Zoom?” 

“ Hmm, good question Brad, we’d better get in touch with them asap and tell them how, why, when and where. We might have to visit one or two to help them download, install and operate Zoom…” 

“ What about setting it up with about three of them and encouraging them to gather, wearing masks, social distancing and washing hands endlessly, in just those three homes?” 

“Good idea Brad, me boy. We’d better get cracking”.

I downloaded Zoom Cloud Meeting on to my laptop, tried it out, and found it to be a user friendly application -- after watching 3 YouTube tutorials for 3 hours. Well, I am a chef not an IT expert, you know.

 I am pretty good at operating a computerised microwave oven. I’ve only blown two of them in about 5 years. 

From my laptop I installed Zoom on my mobile phone. So far, so good. Brad did the same as I.

At 19:00 hours I knocked on Aunt Ellen's door. 

“Hello Aunt Ellen, I’ve come to install Zoom on Billy's computer so that you can attend Uncle Jake’s funeral service on Saturday”. 

“Jake didn’t speak to me for 10 years after I spanked little Bradley for breaking my favourite vase. I don’t think I want to speak to him now.”

“He’s dead Aunt Ellen. You won’t be speaking to him. You’ll be watching his funeral sermon on Billy’s computer. It's called virtual conferencing.”

“Well, we’ve always said goodbye to the departed at our funerals, and that’s the way it’s got to be young man, or I won’t be there.”

“There’ll be about fifteen family members here with you in your house Aunt Ellen. To watch the funeral. You won’t see Uncle Jake. He’ll be in the grave. The Zoom meeting is to listen to the Minister's sermon, to pay our respects and to say hi to one another. You’ll see it all on Billy’s computer.

“And so when did Billy do a video of this then? I think that’s very disrespectful, you know?”

“Aunt Ellen, just let me install the app on Billy’s computer and when he comes home he can explain it all to you, okay?”

Aunt Ellen led the way to Billy’s den, muttering under her breath. 

“Bradley my man, I’ve installed it on Billy’s computer.

How did you do this evening?” 

“No sweat! Nancy already has it on her computer at Uncle Martin’s house, so they’re all set to go. Nancy says they've invited 15 visitors for the funeral sermon. How about you?

“Don’t even ask. It wasn’t easy. I am exhausted! Aunt Ellen insists they must all be allowed to say their goodbyes to Uncle Jack. Family tradition. So tomorrow night, let them please say goodbye! Please do this for me Bradley. Gotta go, battery nearly flat after so many phone calls tonight!”

“Will do, not to worry. Sleep tight. I’ll check with you after I’ve installed Zoom on Norman’s computer.”

“Thanks pal. Have a good night. Regroup tomorrow at 20:00 hours.” 

I rushed about the next morning tying up loose ends, reminding everyone to remember the time for our Zoom session on Saturday. I text messaged the Meeting ID number and the Password to each household with instructions on how to insert them. I was still busy running a Zoom Question and Answer helpline at 18:00 hours. 

Five minutes after 20:00 I remembered to call Bradley.

“Is everything up and running Brad? “

“Roger”, he replied. I remembered him telling me about a movie he saw of the Battle of Britain and the Royal Airforce. A dashing pilot with a ginger handle-bar moustache kept his crew calm and cheerful by saying “Roger” whenever they asked him if their plane, drilled full of holes and half a wing blown off, was going to get them home safely”.

It was surprisingly reassuring…

We arranged that Brad would host the Zoom session. I would chair the meeting. I would introduce Reverend Bliss and fill in with heartwarming stories about Uncle Jake, while waiting for attendees to login. 

I welcomed family and friends and remembered to encourage everyone who wished, to unmute and bid a fond goodbye to our beloved, departed Uncle. I reckoned that with 56 participants this could stretch to at least an hour. It was going to be another bone shaking flight in a smouldering spitfire…”Roger!” would barely cover it. 

The reports from three designated households came in: “All present and correct. Fifteen attendees at Aunt Ellen's, Fifteen at Uncle Martin’s and Fifteen at cousin Norman’s”. 

There were 11 at Brad’s home where Reverend Bliss and I were stationed. The computers were working and Zoom seemed operational. So far so good. 

Reverend Bliss messaged: “ I’m lost. Please send directions Bradley. I’m outside the liquor store at the shopping centre”.

“Exit the parking area, turn right then turn left at the stop street, three houses down on your right, the one with the green fence”.

“Family and friends, please raise the little blue hand if you wish to say a few parting words to Uncle Jake”. 30 little blue hands shot up!

“Aunt Ellen please go ahead….”

Aunt Ellen (unmuted): “ Can you hear me? Can you hear me?”

“Yes, Aunt Ellen we hear you loud and clear”

“I’m not talking to you? I’m talking to Uncle Jake!”

I stifled a choking sound and muted myself and blocked my video!

Aunt Ellen lamented loudly. 

Brad: “Aunt Ellen please mute yourself. Nancy wants to say something .

Nancy: “Can you hear me, can you hear me?”

Brad: “Er.., Nancy Uncle Jake is in the grave now. He can’t hear you.”

Nancy: “I’m not talking to him Brad, I’m talking to you! I’m not sure if my mike is working properly”.

Elderly cousin Martha: “Can you hear me? I want to say something to Jake”.

“Martha, please unmute, your microphone is switched off. Someone unmute Martha”.

A shadowy figure darts in front of Martha. Martha is unmuted. 

She is heard cursing and complaining about modern technology never working. She goes on and on. The host mutes her so as to spare the children in attendance. She glares at everyone so he blocks her video. 

There is a commotion at Brad’s home. Everything is disrupted while Reverend Bliss is seated and told how to unmute and switch on the camera for video visibility. The participants are experiencing crowding. They have to change places with each other in order to be visible and to be audible when commenting. 

I want to drive to a safe, quiet place. Uncle Jake, why couldn’t you wait for this pandemic to end? 

Brad had undone the top button of his shirt and loosened his tie. Perspiration glistened on his forehead.

Attendees wanted to say their goodbyes, Reverend Bliss wanted to give his sermon. Brad wanted to tell everybody to mute themselves one way or another --and not very politely. 

Too many interruptions were making everyone irritable. 

So Norman gets in on the act. “I want to say something. So far nobody has clearly said anything to Uncle Jake. No goodbyes, no loving sentiments. There’s been nothing but pandemonium. I suggest we give each person an opportunity to say something. We go in alphabetical order and get this business over and done with. It’s getting late and I can see Reverend Bliss sleeping in the corner over there. Jenny here, has been reading her Bible and taking lessons. She could fill in for the Minister by reading a couple of Bible verses. I will say a prayer. Say your goodbyes and let’s go home.”

Everyone cheered and they got started. 

Only about 20 had anything to say. We saw someone giving Aunt Ellen a cup of tea and leading her discreetly away from the microphone.

Turns at the microphone were brief, respectful, considerate and kind. 

It went well. 

Jenny opened her Bible and read from the book of John chapter 5 verses 28 and 29: “Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, and those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgement”.

She continued…”God does not want anyone to die and that is why his Son came to earth to buy back everlasting life for us. The resurrection from the graves is how good people will get everlasting life on earth in the future. It is possible that we might all see Uncle Jake again.”.

Norman concluded with an encouraging prayer of thanks. 

Everyone applauded and started chattering about the Bible’s promise for the future. 

Reverend Bliss woke up to the happy sounds. He looked somewhat bleary-eyed so no-one pressured him to say anything. 

Jenny had allowed God to say it all. 

Aunt Ellen finished her tea, dried her eyes, emitted a slight sob and then saw her guests to the door. All wearing masks and keeping social distances of course. The others departed from their host’s homes and returned to their own homes thinking about Jenny and what she had read and said.

I sank into a comfortable chair. 

“Want coffee?” Brad asked.

“Uncle Jake might be very surprised and amused if he ever gets to hear what happened at his funeral service”, Brad chuckled. “I should have recorded it on Zoom. Why didn’t I think of it?” He sounded disappointed. 

“All I can say is, after all the fuss and bother this past week about trying to say “goodbye”, the good news is, it’s not really goodbye at all! It’s merely, “until we meet again!”