For Ryan.

Since you wanted to know what was bothering me. That night at the concert. I don’t know if i will ever send you this or what, but i just need to get it out somewhere since i can’t say it aloud.

My biggest fear is not being good enough.

Somehow not being good enough. Or being good enough, but never the best. “How can I be the best?” or “How can I be better?” or even “I’ll never be better so I may as well not even try.”

These are things I think about. Exactly how much, I won’t say.

This fear manifests itself the most in my romantic relationships. Especially if I am not the first girlfriend (which I have only been twice). It is a very silly, immature thing to fear and think about and, logically, I am very well aware of this. It is mostly why I don’t ever talk about it or bring it up, ever. To anyone.

And it’s not that I have low self-esteem. I have pretty okay self-esteem. When it really comes down to it, I think really good of myself on some days, and other days I truly believe that I am a disgusting scumbag that is unworthy and undeserving of anything. I’m sure every single person on the planet feels this ambivalence. 

Perhaps my fear started when I was a child. When I was in 4th grade, a boy had a crush on me. I didn’t reciprocate the feeling, but that’s beside the point. The point is this - he came up to me one day and said “I don’t have a crush on you anymore, I like so-and-so and she has a nice ass.”

Yes, a 9 year old boy spoke these words to me.

Not that I blame this kid for anything - we were kids. But now, in retrospect, this may be somewhat relevant.

My first boyfriend was a high school thing when I was about to turn 17. He was a year younger than me. Within the first month or so of us dating, he told me he still kind of has a crush on his friend and that her ass is bigger than mine.

Seriously, what the fuck. Twice? Shit.

My relationship with him was very unhealthy in the way that a lot of high school relationships are. Judgments were clouded and confessions of love were spoken with so much hyperbole. I thought I loved him. I definitely was mistaken and hormonal as fuck.

My second relationship was way better in every way possible. I have no real issues about my 3 year relationship with Will. He’s a good guy and I ended up breaking his heart. This is not relevant.

Third relationship really just triggered a lot for me. He always seemed to have some critical thing to say, but then would say that I played the victim and I should be focusing on his issues. He seemed to not like who I was but liked me enough to have sex with me. Looking back, I don’t believe I ever truly loved him the way I thought I did. There were so many red flags from the beginning that I should have just broke it off and called it a day. In essence, he was my rebound and I settled for so much less than I wanted and needed as a 22 year old woman. He was way more experienced than I was, even though he was only a year older and this intimidated me and made me feel like, somehow, I had to compete to be better than his exes. Why would I even care if I didn’t like him as much as I thought? I have no idea. Fears are irrational.

My fear is being unmemorable. I want to be remembered as a great girlfriend and a great person, who maybe enabled my partners to think about things a way other than they were used to. Or a girlfriend that has made them feel like no one has ever made them feel before, and probably won’t feel that way after. And funny enough, I have been told that I have been this girlfriend.

Now this is certainly not the most important thing to me - the actual accomplishment of it. I really truly, just want to be someone that my partner loves and feels a unique way about. I can’t stand to think that I’m just another girlfriend. To anybody.

Anyway, the point of all of that is to say that I am jealous. Of your previous partners. And the way you have felt about them. 

I KNOW. The past is the past and you are with me now. Yes, I know. And this is what I try to tell myself when I get down in a funk. But I know how amazing and tender and sweet you are with me, and honestly, it gets me very envious to imagine you feeling that way about anyone else. Because I know that you have. I do not mean to ever make you feel bad or like you should feel bad about your past. My fear is just the past dragging itself into the present. And maybe that is just an immaturity thing and it’s because I’m young and don’t know any better. I really think so. 

I hope that this childish fear goes away because I don’t want it to weigh on my mind and create imaginary fears in my mind about us. I don’t want to lose you. No fucking way. And I’m so sorry. That I have had you worry about this. But it really is just an internal struggle that I am trying to move on from. Which is why I do not bring it up to you because I don’t want to upset you or make you worry that this will tear us apart. I really don’t think it will. Not from my end at least.

I really mean it when I say you’re the best boyfriend I have had and I want so much more of you. And it really does hurt me when you project your feelings of insecurity about the relationship because it’s like. It’s only been 3 months with me. And you’ve been years with other people. And, in a weird way, it causes me to fear that you may feel that I am not good enough for you to bother spending your time with. I know we have talked it over and you’re trying to move forward from your insecurities and just be with me and take it as it is. But it really did hurt me, so deeply. Because at the end of the day, I have no real insecurities about US. You and me. I feel an intense connection with you that I know is more than just the novelty of dating someone older. And I am hoping that you feel the same about me. And deep down, I know you do. This is why I did not want to ever bring it up. But I feel that you deserve to know how I feel sometimes. Also, it’s really fucking weird that your phone passcode is your ex’s birthday. Youse broke up more than 2 years ago. What am I supposed to think?

With all this being said, please know that I love you, very very much. And what I feel for you, I cannot imagine ever feeling about someone else. I hope you don’t think that this is just because I’m young. Please validate my feelings and emotions for you, because I promise you, they are so real.

We are totally okay. You have been so amazing to me. And I’m sorry that sometimes I am such a pain. I am just an odd little girl that is trapped in the body of a woman. I am trying to heal from the things I have experienced. And I know you are too. I know, so much. I want to help heal you and I know you can help heal me. You have started to. But sometimes, our internal struggle is so overpowering that it can be hard to see the forest for the trees. It can be hard to just take in the pleasures of life without having your brain just spew negativity. 

The long and the short of it is this - I am in love with you and I have my own insecurities that causes me to get jealous of your past. I know it has nothing to do with me and our situation is different than your past. You really are amazing and I get jealous thinking of anyone else experiencing the same boyfriend you have been to me. Blahhhh. And I gave you a whole dramatic backstory because I want you to understand me. Probably more dramatic than it actually is but eh. I hope you understand me a bit more and just know that it is something I will get over with time.

I love you dearly.

Yours,

Kelly