A Family Torn

Can you keep a secret? I've got a big one. Or rather… I know a big one, it isn’t mine. See, there's no such thing as a secret in a small town; small towns gossip, as soon as one person knows, you can bet your ass that everyone does. He doesn't think that word spreads, though. He doesn't believe acquaintances and friends of friends would talk behind his back. At almost sixty years old, one might think he'd understand the world, and the town he’s called home for more than forty years a little bit better than that. I can tell you for certain, with the looks I’ve received in public, that word gets around.

He told his brothers, and sisters, and he told his friends. He told his nieces and nephews. He told his wife, but only after more than twenty years into their marriage. And he thinks they’re the only people who know. Has he come clean to his kids yet, though? The better question is, will he ever? I'm skeptical. He isn’t aware that I already know. And if he ever decides to come clean, he won't know that I'm privy to the details that he tried to hide from his wife. The things she had to find out on her own. It isn't her fault, she didn't plan on telling me; but she needs somebody other than her therapist to vent to and she has no poker face. She thought she was always so vague when she talked about their issues, but I had a feeling that her words could only mean one of two things. She would say I’m a good guesser, but math was always a strong suit of mine in school, and I know how to put two and two together.

She doesn’t want their kids to find out. The boy is spiteful… and unaccepting… and deep down in her heart, she knows that when secrets are shared, a father is going to lose his son. The girl, though? She’s open-minded. She’s non-discriminating. She’s always so “politically correct” as dear old mom and dad would put it. She wouldn’t judge someone who runs in the same community circle… and that’s why she’d rather their daughter not know. She knows the thought is wrong, that it’s selfish, but she doesn’t want her to sympathize, to take his side. In her mind, when everything is out on the table, he’ll lose his boy, but she’ll lose her girl.

I can see why she would think that, because of course, if and when he ever decides to come out with it, he won’t disclose the dirty underbelly. He’ll tell his children about how he’s struggled all of his life; about how he always knew that something was different about him, but he didn’t know what. He’ll tell them that things have been hard to come to terms with, and that he’s sorry for pretending to be someone he isn’t. The look on his face will be one of embarrassment, of sorrow. He’ll look for sympathy for the way he’s felt without mentioning the things he’s done. He’ll ask for forgiveness. Does he deserve it?

The thing is, he will never tell everybody all the details, about the disgusting acts he’s committed; the things he’s said to his wife; the lies. It’s one thing to hide who you feel you are inside. That’s something that nobody should have to do, and I understand how it’s hard to put a mask on to the world and hide your true colors away. You should always have pride in who you are… but who you are, and who you pretend to be, does not give you a Get Out of Jail Free card to act any which way you want. You can’t repeatedly lie, and go behind your wife’s back, and blame it on your issues and say you’re sorry. Once might be a mistake; twice, thrice, one or two dozen times is willful. So many betrayals is not something to be forgiven. So, he will conveniently forget to mention any of it.

I know better. I almost wish I didn’t. When he tells his children, this is who I am, what exactly do I do? Am I supposed to take who he is at face value and pretend I don’t know about all the things he’s done? Is that fair to him? Is it fair to his wife? Five years ago, he told her he didn’t love her anymore, and she’s spiraled farther and farther down ever since. Every new thing she finds out, every lie she uncovers, pulls her further into darkness, and it’s gotten harder and harder to drag her back out into the light. She is beyond broken… who wouldn’t be when every man you’ve trusted has hurt you? She’s always struggled with depression to some extent or another, but what her family doesn’t know is that it’s his actions that have been the biggest reasons she’s had two rounds of psych wing stays in the last two years. So is it fair to accept who he is, and ignore the things he’s bound to leave out?

I can’t be mad at how long it’s taken for him to come to terms with himself. Everybody takes that journey at their own pace. However, I can be and am mad at the things he has done, at the way he has handled the situation. If you aren’t sure about who you are -- which twenty five years later, you say you haven’t been sure since childhood -- and you get your girlfriend pregnant, you don’t marry her just because. You should have sat down then and there and talked about it, even if all you had to say was that you weren’t sure. She could have had that child without you. If you truly wanted to be in its life, you could have done so without marrying their mother; without having another child with her; without dragging that poor woman along for over twenty years, just to tear her heart out and rip it into pieces. You don’t tell her you don’t love her anymore in one breath, and in the next say you want her and together you will make things work… all the while texting other people, sending and receiving love letters, posting personal ads on CraigsList on your anniversary, meeting complete strangers behind rest stops to do the kinds of disgusting things one might read about on the internet. He probably never loved her, at least not in the ways he said he did. What he loved was the idea of making a family; his was always dysfunctional, to say the least, and she served a role in creating a new one for himself, nothing more. That isn’t a good enough reason. But he found a woman that he could walk all over and who would forgive him time and time again. He knows that she put every ounce of trust in him, and when he broke it, he patched it back up with bandages and empty promises that she believed because she didn’t have anyone else to fall back on. 

There is already tension in the house, but when this all gets out, a family will be shattered. I am truly afraid of the outcome and the number of years of family therapy that will be in store. He was always a good father; he was every seasons’ baseball and softball coach; he went to every concert. He would stand up for his children if it meant risking his own life. Some would even say good doesn’t cut it, that he was a great father… but was he ever a good person? Every decision he ever made was only for himself. He’s lied and he’s cheated left and right. Does him being a good father offset the wrongs he made against his wife? If we had the power to turn back time, would he make different choices? Does it matter? Everything might have turned out different, if only when she told him she was pregnant, he had asked,

Can you keep a secret?