One More Time

Opening my lids is like sandpaper raking across the inside of my eyes. Breathing is laboured, almost as though I am struggling to catch my breath through something heavy and cloaking, but by blinking a few times against the beams of light that creep through the wooden walls – I can see this isn’t the case. The sounds of screaming and far off attacks of some sort invade my ears like thunder, but I hear something closer… something more familiar. It’s a shuffling sound with irregular bumps every now and again and... something, someone else. Someone outside.

- “She went in, I saw her.”

- “Even if she made it through, Chris, she won’t be the same. You know that.”

- “She has a GUN Rebecca, what the hell do you mean?”

- “They only make things worse from what we’ve already seen. We have to keep going. If she made it through, we’ll find her.”

- “FUCK!” 

I AM in here, I'm cold, scared and confused, but I AM here. I just… have no idea where here is. I do know one thing, though. I know those noises. I can’t see what is making them, not yet. My eyes are still adjusting to the dust and piercing light beams that slice through the thick, dark surroundings like hot knives through charcoal butter – but the feeling of terror those shuffling noises stir in me is unmistakeable. I have been here before… it didn’t go well.

First things first, get the breathing under control. I can feel that even my vital signs are huge neon pointers to… something... so even my breathing has to slow. This rapid fire contemporary jazz nonsense that it’s throwing out for the moment would need to calm the fuck down. The heartbeat follows from there.

The guy I heard, Chris, he said I have a gun. He sounded like he cared if I was OK but the girl, Rebecca… she said it makes things worse. That was all they had to say about the gun, I guess… I don’t want to use the gun. Who are they? I know them, I know I know them, but I can’t quite wrap my head around what is happening while my skull feels filled to the brim with marbles. I have been here before, I know that much. I have strange flashbacks of random people that I don’t know well risking their lives for me. Why? I’m no one special. I’m not famous or important, shit, I can’t even remember my own name… Callie?.. Clara?.. Claire? - Claire, that’s it, it’s Claire. Not that it matters right now.

The shuffling and banging seems further away now. I can almost get a feel of the size of the room I am in, the way a person can feel the emptiness of a dark field beside them as they walk along a country lane at night, alone. I take this opportunity to shift the position of my head, craning my neck a little to see exactly what I am dealing with. My eyes take a minute to focus but when they do I am surprised at what I see, it’s… it’s people! They aren’t facing me, they seem to be looking down at something, a prone, shadowy figure on the ground, and a couple of the people are crouched beside the figure. I think they are trying to help… still, something niggles at the back of my mind and fills my stomach with ice shards of fear. I keep my presence unknown. For now, I am just another shadow in the darkness… but I have been here before and it did NOT go well. That fact is becoming more and more clear to me with each passing second.

OK, they are distracted for now. I decide that lying here waiting to see what happens next, isn’t getting me anywhere. Lifting my head up from the dirt and dust starts to give me a bit more clarity but it hurts. Holy shit it hurts! Not just my head, but everywhere. If I wasn’t clearly lying here intact, I would swear I had been torn apart limb from limb, at least one hundred times! What the hell is going on?

I cast my gaze around and can make out other shapes around the room, shadowy at first but starting to become more clear with each blink and pupil adjustment. My arms and legs are tense and the muscles strain against my flight or flight response – but it’s too soon. I feel around my hips and pockets, there it is – the gun - lying just by my hip. All of a sudden I am sucked into a flashback that is hard to decipher yet is undoubtedly not how I wish to proceed. A kaleidoscope of colour pulls me in and spits me out on the other side of a half a memory. I remember the shots ringing out, 6 of them, but some missed. There are too many, they fall on top of me with arms outstretched, the light is completely blocked out of the room and next thing I know I am back on the ground where I opened my eyes – Just as confused as before. I won’t be using the gun.

The next thing I can make out in the dark is a pitch fork. It’s long, it’s rusted and it’s unwieldy. I remember now, the handle broke and the fork got stuck in the wooden slats. It didn’t work, forget it. My eyes shift to the next thing – a lawnmower *(flashback)* 

I remember. I was completely on the other side of the barn, they were so far away from me but the noise of the petrol engine starting made them turn to me instantly and the walls start to shake. Holy shit, their eyes… they’re fucking crazy! 

I had tried a hammer next, it’s attached to the wall and comes into focus - no way. It was too short and required too much effort for each one of them. What the hell is that noise they are making? Bodies fall on me, blackness encroaches on my senses and I’m back where I started, raking my sandpaper eyelids over the fiery orbs behind them. There must be something… something I haven’t tried. Something that will help me get back to Chris and Rebecca.

Wait, I haven’t tried that... It’s a shovel, brand new and glistening against the dark colour of the wooden walls. Its edges are still sharp and if I can get to it quietly, I may just have a chance. The people are all still huddled in the corner standing around the prone figure on the ground, it’s moving now but I don’t have time to worry about that. I pull my palms underneath me and push my toes down into the floor, ready to spring up as soon as I get the chance. I don’t want to make too much noise but the shovel is so close that it won’t make a difference. I know that these bastards are going to attack me the second they know I am here.

3…

2…

1…

NOW!

I leap to my feet and yank the shovel from the wall. As I suspected, this made the people at the other end of the barn spin towards me instantly - but they aren’t focused on me, well, not exactly. They start moving towards me, towards where they were alerted to a sound coming from, but their eyes are cloudy and glazed. Their clothes are streaked with dirt and blood and some of them are missing... things. Skin, hair, full on body parts! I remember now, Chris had told me, aim for the head. Surely not, surely this can’t be real? I had only half believed it would actually happen someday, I guess this is the day… but not the first day, no.

The people, the monstrous people head straight for me, but I am ready this time. My muscles are on fire and my head is spinning but I breathe deeply and focus my mind, slicing through each of them with relative ease compared to all the previous attempts. Seven of them standing, each one put down like a rabid animal before I stop to take a breath and calm my nerves. Calm down, they weren’t people any more… it was too late for them.

I strain my ears and listen carefully. There is still another sound, crying? Muttering? Gurgling maybe? I can’t quite put my finger on it but it’s coming from the crumpled figure on the ground. As I approach the sound is more apparently human, pained and scared, but human none the less. It’s a girl.

The girl has her head in her hands, her face is covered with long strands of filthy chestnut hair and through racking sobs, an occasional growl emerges. It’s a weak one, but a growl none the less. I kneel down and put my hands round her fragile wrists to remove them from her face. This girl is cold, yet feels so familiar, and by the way her hands fall away into mine, feels familiar with me too. Then I see why. 

As I look at the tear stained face, as those blue eyes search mine looking for an answer, I see. Those stone blue eyes with the grey ring around the iris… my eyes. Everything about this girl is me: the eyes, the skin, the hair. The remnants of fighting spirit, the fear and the last of the hope on her face are traits of myself that I have been cultivating in my own soul since the beginning of time. I weep with her, with myself, and we take our time in each others arms. Eventually the girl turns her head to the side and I know what’s coming. I can still feel the remnants of it burning on my face from the last time I was here, like an invisible scar. The girl shows me her cheek, her torn, ragged cheek, and my heart sinks. I look deep into her eyes and tell her that everything is going to be OK, that I would never leave her like this and to lie down and get some rest would be the best thing for her strength right now. I know what this girl, what I, am scared of and I know that I will do right by her. As I watch her lay her head back down on the dirt and close her eyes one last time, I take off my jacket and tuck it gently under her face to try and give some semblance of comfort. As I walk back over to where I left the shovel, I finally notice that all the bodies on the floor are female. Are they all me, from all the times I had been here before and lost? It doesn’t matter now. 

I walk back over to the girl, to myself, lying on the ground and her eyes are still closed. I tell her that she is beautiful, strong, fierce - has made me proud and that this will be the last time this girl, this incarnation of me, ever has to worry. She has helped to pave the way for her future self and I could not be more grateful to her for that. As I raise the shovel above my head for the last time in this barn, I tell the girl, myself, that I love her as I bring the cold steel down one final time on the back of her skull… the back of MY skull.

I take one last look at my surroundings before identifying the door. As I peek through the cracks, I can see more of the monsters outside but the area is larger and I have more space to manoeuvre – I can catch up with Chris and Rebecca, if I’m lucky. A final sweep brings me back to my gun, I consider leaving it but that would be stupid. I don’t need to take anything else, it was all useless. Except the shovel, that worked... I’m going to need that.

LEVEL 2 ……………

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Authors note: This story is a reference to the first Resident Evil game which came out in 1996 - 28 years ago.