The Secret

Claire felt like a fifty pound dumbbell was placed on her chest every time someone told her a secret. She didn’t like secrets; it had been weighing painfully on her chest, growing stronger by the minute.

She spent all week avoiding Jessica. She knew that if she came face to face with her the words would all spill out before she had the chance to stop herself. She even had her phone turned off so she wouldn't impulsively text her. 

Two more days, she thought. Just two more days. 

She sat at the back of the cafeteria alone, trying to avoid anybody who didn’t know about it, especially the ones with a big mouth like Erica Sanders. 

She picked up her white plastic fork and ate her bland chef salad with vegetables she knew were more than likely past their expiration dates. She thought about it being a good metaphor for her life as she continued eating.  She tried to breathe and focus on something else—anything else—but like always it was in vain, the more she tried not to think about the secret and how she was a terrible person for harboring it, the more and more she inevitably thought about it.

Raw anxiety flooded up in her; as if someone had jarringly ripped off a large scab that was just about to heal when she saw Steven walking over to her with his lunch tray. Steven didn’t know about it. He wasn’t friends with Jessica so naturally no one would have told him. He smiled his sweet smile at her and the weight on her chest grew heavier.

“Hi Steven.” she said with a transparent smile. She tried to avoid eye contact.

“Are you okay?” he asked as he took a seat next to her.

“I’m fine.” she answered a little too quickly.

“Are you sure?”

Claire fixed her eyes on her chicken nuggets. “Uh huh.” She felt like another dumbbell was placed on her chest. Another lie. She could count on her fingers the number of times she had told a lie.

“You know, if you have something going on you can tell me, I won’t judge.”

“I’m fine Steven!” she yelled. He looked hurt as she said it so loudly, so angrily.

“Okay, ” he said in a softer voice this time. There was an uncomfortable silence where Steven was evidently searching for something to say before he finally settled on something. “The charity car wash is coming up. Are you gonna to be there?”

“Okay fine! There is something!”

Steven looked like someone had just splashed ice water in his face. “What!?”

Claire looked around frantically before answering in a low voice. “I have a secret… but I can’t tell you what it is, so don’t ask.”

Steven paused for a moment. “Okay, I won’t.”

Claire had envisioned him insisting to know the information she held, demanding to know the truth and resorting to the silent treatment until she told him. But he was so kind and reserved and understanding. It was strangely irritating.

A few minutes later, Tiffany, one of Jessica’s friends who was the reason for the secret, came up to Claire with her best friend Lena holding a purple bedazzled clipboard in her hand. Claire didn’t like her much and not only because she was the cause of her suffering this week. She was a cheerleader and in her view it made her inherently obnoxious. Also she was popular and therefore shallow and belittling to people like Claire who were not. Claire loved Jessica with all of her heart but one thing she didn’t much care for about her was that she was friends with people from all different circles and she made friends really easily—too easily in her opinion.

“Did you buy the stuff we asked you to?” Said Tiffany

“Yep.”

“Including the coasters?”

“Yes.” Claire said impatiently this time.

“You know you can’t find the good ones at Walmart right?”

Another thing Claire disliked about Tiffany was that she was a Walmart snob. She shopped at Target which in Claire’s opinion was really no better. She brushed this aside though, at the thought of Jessica which was really what this was about.

“I went all the way across town and I bought them at HomeGoods Tiffany.” 

Tiffany brushed her curtain of perfect black hair behind her back before checking something off on her clipboard and responding.

“Okay. Come by and drop them off at my house after school please but make it before 4:00 because I have my facial appointment.”

Claire forced herself not to roll her eyes at this.

“Also you should know we have to reschedule it for the day after because Jessica’s cousin has a soccer game at the time we planned.”

Claire’s stomach clenched. She would have to wait another day? It sounded like an eternity. “Can’t we just move the time?”

“No because if we do I’ll only be able to be there for half of it and I am the organizer and one of her best friends and I don’t intend to miss this.” she said with a sickly sweet smile. 

“But...but I-I have plans that day.”

Tiffany looked up from her clipboard. “Well rearrange them.”

“I can’t,” In her rising panic she tried to come up with an excuse as quickly as possible. “If I- reschedule it then...”

“Then what?”

“Then no one will be home to feed Ernie.”

“Who’s Ernie?”

“My hibiscus. Or Matilda my hydrangea or Catherine my cactus-she’s a jungle cactus so she needs more water than most.” Claire swallowed when she said it. She had swallowed so much out of nerves that week that her throat hurt.

Tiffany stared at her for a moment. “You’re so weird.” she said, rolling her eyes. Claire’s face turned red as she attempted a half smile. Tiffany’s friend snickered at her comment.

It made Claire’s heart feel heavier as she walked back to her lunch table where Steven had just come back from throwing out his tray. She hated being made fun of and more than that she hated that she cared so much about what Tiffany and her posse thought about her. She was pulled away from that thought by the fog of anxiety that returned to her.

“So what was that about?” said Steven. The ends of his wavy brown hair were flicked up in half circles like the innocent smile on his face. It was emphasized by the fact that he was wearing a plaid shirt with sleeves down and buttoned on the ends. It was hard to look more innocent than that as a teenage boy.

“It-I-.” She was getting so tired and overwhelmed by all these lies that she couldn’t take it anymore and she was starting to feel sick. She spotted Jessica from across the room and she instinctively stood back up again. “I’ll be back.” she said to Steven with her eyes fixed on Jessica. She waited till Tiffany looked absorbed in her rhinestone clipboard again and headed toward Jessica weighing the morality of telling her vs. not telling her. 

It’s just a little white lie, she heard a voice say in her head. It’s not hurting anyone. 

It’s hurting me, she responded to herself. 

But everyone will be so disappointed in you, including Jessica. So if you look at it that way it’s wrong to tell the truth. 

She stopped for a moment and then almost turned around but was stopped when Jessica spotted her. “Claire! What’s going on? Where have you been the last few days? Have you been avoiding me?” She felt a volcano of guilt rising through her core. She was stuck. The words Is it right or is it wrong? were going back and forth in her brain like a ping pong match and she was starting to get dizzy. The room was becoming blurry and it was difficult to see.

“Claire? Are you okay?” she heard faintly. She drunkenly stepped towards her. “Jessi-” she started. And then suddenly she doubled over and tasted vomit and the chef salad and her morning cereal appeared at Jessica’s feet. Claire was horrified at herself. Jessica jumped back with a wrinkled nose. Steven came running towards Claire and helped her get off the ground and he promptly escorted her to the girls’ bathroom.

He was still there waiting outside after the bell rang like a true friend to make sure she was alright when she came out.

“Are you okay?”

“You know, I actually feel kind of relieved.” she said, still feeling half woozy.

“Good. I’m glad to hear it.” He put his arm around her neck and started walking her towards the nurse’s office. “Can I ask what’s wrong with you?”

This was getting out of hand. She had to tell him. “The secret-”

“Oh that’s right, I forgot. I’m not supposed to ask. Do you want to speak to one of the councilors about it?”

“No it’s not that kind of secret. It’s...”

“What?”

“You’re going to laugh at me when I tell you.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No I want to—I need to. I have to get this off my chest. I just didn’t want to tell you this before because I didn’t want to make you feel bad.”

“Why would I feel bad?”

Claire took a deep breath. “It’s just-it’s that-” She took another deep breath and resolved not to take another one till she got it all out. “We’re throwing a surprise party for Jessica on Saturday and I didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I thought you’d feel bad,  ‘cause you’re not invited.”

“That’s it?”

“You know I hate lying! I can’t stand it! I’ve been dying all week trying to keep this from Jessica so I don’t ruin the surprise. It’s been driving me crazy! Lying, to me feels like I’m an accomplice to murder or something.”

“That bad, huh?”

She nodded. “Lying is so wrong.”

He smiled at her compassionately. “Lying of course, is generally wrong but there are a few times when it’s acceptable to lie.”

“Like when?”

“Surprise parties or Santa or when you think someone’s baby is ugly. In the last case I think it’s actually wrong to tell the truth.”

Claire laughed a bit and he smiled back at her. 

“So you don’t feel bad for not being invited?”

“Why would I? I barely know Jessica.”

Claire smiled.

 “Besides,” he said, “I overheard Tiffany talking to Leo about it last week. I’ve known all along.”