What Ricky Heard at School Today

Ricky Scoggs raced out of the classroom as soon as the clock struck four o’clock, desperate to get out of detention and get home as soon as possible. If he didn’t get to his computer soon, he would miss being able to enter the Fortnite tournament that all his friends were joining. And he really wanted to get into that. It almost made him regret setting those alarm clocks to go off at 9 AM and then hiding them in lockers all over the school. Almost.

           He happened to pass the principal’s office as he skipped down the main hallway toward the school’s entrance. He slowed down to spit on the trophy case that sat nearby as was his custom, and as he began to pick up velocity again he noticed that he could hear voices speaking. They were coming from inside the office. Apparently Principal Butler had neglected to close his door and the door to the administrative suite was left ajar. The conversation could be easily heard in the hallway.

           “Marilyn, it has nothing to do with you. I just think we have better options here.”

           “I kinda feel like it has a little to do with me.”

           Ricky stopped running for a second. He recognized the voice as belonging to one of the teachers he had last year, when he was in sixth grade. Marilyn Russo had been one of his least favorites. She was relatively young at just thirty-two years old, quite attractive, and generally nice to the students, but she always seemed to have it in for him for some reason.

           “Look,” Principal Harvey Butler said, “Emily has been feeling kind of down lately. She didn’t get tenure and she’s thinking of moving to another district. Let’s make nice with her, okay?”

           “What does Emily not getting tenure have to do with where we have the meeting?”

“Emily’s classroom is a great place to hold it. It’s spacious, it usually smells nice, and it’s on the first floor. It’s perfect for this week.”

           “Fine.” Marilyn shook her head in capitulation. “As long as her room is well-ventilated.”

           “It is. And just to be sure, we can have maintenance check on it in the morning.”

           Ricky had no idea why room ventilation was important for a faculty meeting, but he continued to listen.

           “Friday evening at 7?”

           “Yes,” Principal Butler answered.

           “Do we have an itinerary decided yet?”

           “First it’s introductions, then a discussion of what we did last time and how we can do better, then we do one-on-one exercises and finally, we get into the group activity.”

           “Have you put out the invite?”

           “Sandra is doing that as we speak.”

           “Sounds good. Do you know how many faculty members are coming?”

           “Probably fifteen to twenty. The usual set.”

           “And how many parents?”

           “That’s still up in the air.”

           Ricky was listening because he always loved to hear what people were not saying to him, but this didn’t really sound that interesting. He began to walk away from the door.

           “Well, I hope more of them come than last time,” he could hear Marilyn say, “Because it just isn’t a very good orgy without some variety.”

           “I agree a hundred percent,” Principal Butler said. “But I think we can get some more of them to come.”

           Ricky froze, and his eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. He turned back to the office door and perked up his ears.

           “Well, I think I’m probably better at getting people to come than you are,” Marilyn chuckled.

           “Woman, please.” Butler took her by the shoulder, “You may have the hots, but I have the technique.”

           “Oh please Harvey, what is your technique exactly? When you and I are together I almost need to read the paper I’m so bored!”

           “Well, the other ladies apparently like it. Nora O’Donnell thinks I’m better than her husband!”

           “That’s because her husband is like two inches long,” Marilyn laughed, “Trust me, I used to go to their key parties. It’s like throwing a hot dog inside of an old well!”

           “Okay okay, joking aside, we do have something important to discuss.”

“I’ll make sure we have a better variety of condoms this time, Harvey.”

“That’s great, but I was thinking of another thing. After our last meeting, the janitor complained to me about all the cocaine that was left on the floor. We have to make sure to tell everyone to keep that stuff in their noses.”

Ricky was so excited he was bouncing on his feet. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

           “Or we can just invite the janitor.” Marylin paused. “Can he be paid overtime for clean up?”

           “Yes, I’m going to ask the district for more funds to compensate the janitor for cleaning up after our fuck parties. That’s gonna go over real well with the parents.”

           “So just make up some excuse that we did it to fight critical race theory, or something stupid like that. Distract everybody. It worked that time you were caught with your pants down at the bird sanctuary.”

           I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, Ricky thought.

           Butler smiled. “You know what I like about you Marilyn? You’re really good at problem-solving.” He walked over and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“When faculty morale was at an all time low because of all the stress from Covid and we were having trouble keeping teachers on, who came up with the splendid idea to have these secret sex parties? You did. And when one of the parents caught wind of it and was threatening to tell the local papers, who offered to let parents join in? You did. And when one of the teachers caught an STD, who came up with the brilliant idea to not let him attend any more orgies? You, the talented and beautiful Marilyn Russo, that’s who.”

           Marilyn blushed, and quietly removed his hand from her shoulder. “Well, I am a science teacher. It’s my job to teach how to analyze and resolve the problem.”

           “You can solve my problem any week,” Harvey asserted. “Because, you know, the problem is in my pants.”

           “Yeah yeah, I figured that.” Marilyn checked her phone to see what time it was. “Look I don’t mean to sound too paranoid, but if we’re gonna have it in Emily’s classroom this time, can we make sure no one puts on a black light in there any time afterward?”

           “Way ahead of you there. We’re banning the use of black lights in this school starting next week.”

“Good. I can think of some students whom I definitely wouldn’t put it past them to do something like that, *cough* Ricky Scoggs *cough* *cough*. Sorry, my throat’s a little dry.”

Butler handed her a tissue. “It wouldn’t be a problem of course, if we could just use the teacher’s lounge instead of one of the classrooms. Much more comfortable furniture too. I’m always worried about those little students’ desks collapsing under me.”

           “The parents don’t like the teacher’s lounge for some reason. I think because it always smells like booze. Well, okay. Anything’s better than that hard-ass gym floor.”

           The principal laughed in agreement. Neither of them said a word again for the next minute. Ricky grew concerned that they were wrapping up the conversation and were about to leave the office. He had heard plenty of juicy tidbits anyway, and was itching to get out of there. He raced down the hall toward the exit, bounding out of the large double doors like an escaping prisoner. What he had just heard was totally worth missing a Fortnite tournament for. He couldn’t wait to spill it to everybody he knew.

           That evening Ricky sat at the dinner table as his mother, Linda, slapped a heaping pile of lasagna on his plate. The whole afternoon was almost torture for him. He couldn’t reach any of his friends to tell them what he heard, probably because they were all busy with the tournament. But now was the moment. He was bursting at the seams to tell his mother. She always seemed to take the school’s side on everything, but there was no way she could do that this time.

           As much as he was dying to spill the beans, he also gave serious thought to the idea of not telling her, or anyone else; to just keep it his little secret. It could be quite useful. He could ensure that neither Marilyn Russo nor Principal Butler could ever make his life miserable again. He would wield power over them like no other student ever could.

But blackmail wasn’t his strong suit, and with something this explosive, he knew he would never be able to go that long without telling somebody.

           “How was your day, sweetie?” Linda sat down at the table opposite Ricky and began to eat along with her son.

           “Well actually, there is something very interesting I heard today.” Ricky could barely contain his shit-eating grin even as he chewed.

           “Oh? What is it?”

           “I was walking home from detention today and as I passed the principal’s office…”

           “What is it sweetie?”

           “I heard Principal Butler in there, and he was talking to, you know that science teacher I had last year?”

           “Yes?”

           Ricky had trouble getting the words out at first, then suddenly exploded. “He and Ms. Russo were talking about how the teachers have orgies in the classrooms! They were discussing how they get together once a week to have sex parties in the school after all the kids go home! The principal, the teachers, even some of the parents join in! And they do drugs and everything! It’s very very secret! I just heard it today!”

           Linda’s eyes widened, but her expression otherwise didn’t change. She just sat there quietly, looking at her son who was now panting heavily.

           “Mom? Did you hear anything I said?”

           She stayed silent for another moment, then finally spoke up. “Well, Ricky, that certainly is quite a story you’ve got there.”

           “Not a story Mom, it’s the unvarnished truth! I heard it straight from the horse’s mouth!”

           “Sure Ricky, I know you believe it. But maybe this can be one of those things you just keep to yourself, okay?”

           “But Mom, don’t you think it’s a big deal that the teachers and principal are having sex and doing drugs in the school?”

           “If what you say is actually happening, then yes, I would be concerned. But are you sure you didn’t just mishear it? I mean, how can you be sure it was even those two talking?”

           “Mom, I had this woman as my teacher for a year. And I know what the principal of my school sounds like. Trust me, it was them. And I heard everything loud and clear – the door to the office was open.”

           “Okay honey, I believe you. I’m just not sure everyone else will, what with your history of telling fibs.”

           “Oh c’mon Mom!”

           “Remember how you scared the little kids with that tale about how the tooth fairy sometimes takes children’s teeth that haven’t fallen out yet? Or that time those animals at the zoo died and you told everybody they were being served in the cafeteria meatloaf? Or that guy living down the street whom you told the FBI was involved in January 6^th?”

           “Mom, those were stupid little jokes. This is real!”

           “Well, don’t tell anybody yet, okay? I don’t want you embarrassing yourself again. I promise, I will bring it up with the school board at their next meeting. Now, I think you should go to bed.”

           “It’s only seven o’clock!”

           “Fine, go up to your room and watch TV or play a video game. Something without sex. I think you’re a little hopped up tonight and I want you to calm down.”

           “Okay Mom.” With an air of resignation, Ricky quietly finished his dinner, then marched upstairs to his bedroom.

           After his door closed, Linda poured herself a glass of wine and sat at the dining room table alone. She nursed her beverage for several long minutes, then picked up her phone. She dialed Principal Butler’s cell number and waited for him to pick up.

           “Harvey? It’s Linda Scoggs. I’m sorry, but I can’t make it on Friday night, and probably not for a while. My son is on to us. Yeah, it’s a real shame. You and Marilyn are both really good.”