Dodged a Bullet

I chirped a whistle. Zed pounced through the clear teal water. “You catching fish girl? Hmm?” I rubbed the long fur at her neck.

“You might have earned the Purple Heart, but that dog is the real piece of art,” McCall snorted and slapped Zed on the back. She fell back on her haunches and snarled at him, dashing through the sand, taking nips out of the air. “Yeesh, I don’t remember her being this feisty on duty.”

Zed sneezed to let McCall know she was only playing, but he backed away a few steps. Clearly, one of my colleagues was more intelligent. 

I shifted on the rock that was my lounge chair, watching Zed sprint back into the water to try and herd schools of fish. The inlet was private, shielded on both sides by piney mountains. The sun winked down at us, flashing behind overstuffed ivory clouds. I squirmed on the rock some more, struggling to find a position that wasn’t agony. I must have found a sweet spot because I snapped awake sometime later with a jerk that almost took me off the rock.

“Dodge, what’s a matter? Your leg bugging you?” McCall squatted next to me and squinted at my face. The sun lit his short blonde hair, making it almost reflective, like the tags around his neck. “No, I can tell by the look on your face. You’re itching to get out there and mess around, aren’t you? Can’t sit still. You never could. You want to prance about in the sparkling blue waters don’t you?”

“Do I look like a Border Collie to you? No. Leave the frolicking to Zed.”

“Salty aren’t we? S’ all right, now you’re free.” I threw a rock at his head and he laughed, “Take it easy, man. We’ve earned it.” He bent and popped the lid off the cooler. Bottles clinked as he hummed to himself.

“What’s that?”

He stopped humming. “What’s what?”

“That. In the cooler.”

He tipped it in my direction. It was filled with vacation essentials. Nothing threatening. I hadn’t seen anything. He shoved a beer in my hand and immediately took it back. “I forgot, you probably shouldn’t mix alcohol and painkillers, huh? Although, I don’t know, I’m no doctor, but maybe that’s what you need. Get a little high, let loose.”

I don’t know why the sergeant thought mandatory R&R would be worth anything with McCall around. I told him to buzz off but in less polite words. He wandered to the edge of the shore. I watched as he hunted around for a piece of driftwood for Zed. He chased her around in the shallows trying to get her riled up for a game of fetch.

I whistled to get Zed’s attention and called, “Trip.”

Without hesitation, she locked herself in front of McCall’s shins. He went down hard.

“Real nice. You’re just jealous because I’m frolicking and you aren’t,” he spat.

“Zed, hold.” She put her paws on his back and growled in his ear.

“Call her off. Dodge. Call her. You know I’m not a dog person, come on.”

I whistled low and she bounded to my side. She smiled up at me, tongue lolling. Her white face content. I patted her head, my thumb pausing over her eye where a black patch of fur created a target. I whispered, “Are you a good girl? The best girl in the platoon? Yes, you are.” 

Rocks clattered behind me. I was on my feet instantly. My hand at my side, reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. Zed lept in front of me, fur raised along her back like armor. There wasn’t anything there. Adrenaline bled out of me like water out of a fractured glass. There wasn’t anything left to keep my shattered leg propped up.

I crashed onto the sand. Zed consoled me by cleaning my face. She wasn’t worried about the false alarm because she’d never sensed any danger to begin with. She’d reacted to my emotion. I was the only one who had to deal with the shakiness, the lingering effects of terror. 

“Are you all right?” McCall poked me with the piece of driftwood. “You fall off your rock?”

“No.” I sneered and said, “I decided that, if I wanted an even tan, I should stretch out a little more.”

“You’re smarter than you look. I’m heading back to the boat to catch up on some fine literature. Call me if you can’t get off the ground, I’ll help you for sure.”

“Please, please, for the sake of my sanity, stop reading poetry.”

“Maybe you should pick some up. It keeps me calm, you could use something like that.”

“I have Zed.”

 “She’s cute, but you really need therapy, brother.”

He traipsed through the white dunes. I rolled onto my back and stared at the sky. I got two seconds of sunlight before Zed stood directly over my head and blocked my view. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost my hands in her thick, curling fur. “Would you tell anyone, Zed?”

I sat with my leg stretched in front of me. The fire popped as McCall lost another marshmallow. He cursed and flicked the burnt remains in Zed’s direction. As the sun sank into its trenches, I watched the treeline. Listening. It was tranquil, the same as it had been since we arrived. The same as the muted panic before every mission.

“You’re ignoring me straight-up now? Rude.”

I grunted, “What’d you say?”

“I said, you’re lucky you got that dark, brooding look going for you. Chicks love that. They don’t like poor McCall with his sunshine and freckles.” He lost another marshmallow but was too busy leaning over to notice. “Hell, you’ve even got a cool eyebrow scar now.”

I had a different idea of what we should be talking about now that we were away from everyone. “Our last mission– what did you think about it?”

He was quiet for a long time. “Let’s not talk about it.”

I spoke so softly I didn’t know if he’d hear, “I don’t understand how we lost so many.”

“It was a mistake. Don’t worry about it.”

“But–”

He shot to his feet. “I gotta finish dinner.”

I sat in the cramped dining area of the boat, stabbing at the food, and letting McCall chatter about whatever came to his head. Twenty minutes into his monologue on the best contemporary poets I lost it and asked him again, “The last mission–”

He cut me off, “I told you it’d be better if you don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about it?” McCall was nonchalant about the entire thing. Immediately after it happened I thought he was just in shock, but his attitude never changed. “So you’re fine with the way things went?”

He snorted, “What about it doesn’t sit well with you? We did our job, what else matters?”

Something knocked around in the cabin. I was already pitched forward, steak knife clenched in my hand. It was just Zed.

McCall groaned, “This is what I’m talking about. When are you gonna chill–”

“The damage done… that wasn’t some kind of IED, the faction we were fighting didn’t have that kind of artillery.” I hadn’t been this out of breath since week one of boot camp, but I kept talking, “Something on our end went wrong. I have to tell someone–”

He rubbed a hand over his face. “Don’t say it.”

“I think we’re being watched.”

The conversation had derailed. He blinked, noting the knife still stuck in my white-knuckle grip. I shouldn’t have said anything. This is the reason why I was furloughed. It wasn’t my leg. It was my altered mental status. 

“That’s just the PTSD talking. You know that.”

I looked away. “I know.”

How many times had he told me I was overreacting? I knew he was the one being logical for once. “What happened to our platoon– to those civilians– was messed up. But it wasn’t our fault, ok? It's not our problem. Dodge, are you listening?”

“I’m gonna try to catch some sleep.” I fumbled with the crutches leaning against the table, biting my cheek as I stood, to suppress my groan. 

“Dodge.”

“Hm?”

“Leave your gun.”

I stopped mid-step. “Why?”

“Because I’m worried about you, dumbass!” 

“Well don’t be. I don’t have it on me anyway. ‘Night.”

I lay on my back, my leg propped awkwardly on a pillow, Zed occupying the extra space in the sheets. That would be frowned upon, considered undisciplined even, but Zed was never officially enlisted so I let it slide. I needed the company. But it didn’t chase away the uneasiness.

After two hours of insomnia, I recognized that. Maybe I should drag myself back to the rock that overlooked the water. That was some of the best sleep I’d had in weeks. I shifted and Zed growled. “Don’t push your luck. I’m sharing the bed with you. Show some respect.”

I heard footsteps on the hardwood. My heart raced. I was right. We were under surveillance. The toilet flushed. I heard the same footsteps thud through the hall. McCall. Obviously, he’d had too much to drink again. How long could I go on like this? Jumping out of my skin every time I hear a sound? It’s pathetic. 

I rolled to my side, despite the sharpening ache. I fished around the nightstand for the pill bottle. I’d find sleep tonight, even if I have to force it.

An hour later, Zed growled again, bristling and stiffening over my knees. I nudged her. “Share. The. Bed.”

She snarled deep and low, a genuine threat. That wasn’t like her. I saw her fangs gleam in the weak hall light. I don’t remember the light being on. My arm twitched under the pillow. 

“Sorry it had to be this way, you should have kept your mouth shut.”

I heard him pull back on the slide. I rolled to the ground. Zed sprang from the sheets. The gun went off. The sound pitched in my ears, but not loud enough that I wouldn't hear his shocked cry. The smell of gunpowder filled the room.

He’d dropped the gun when Zed jumped on him. I’d heard it hit the floor. I pulled the lamp on and struggled to my feet. “Zed! Wait.”

She held back, following my lead, her snout creased in revulsion. I stepped on the gun he’d dropped. His fingers stopped reaching as he looked up. “I told the sarge that you could leave it alone. I was kidding myself though. You’ll never let things be, will you? Why can’t you understand that sometimes we have to cover up little mistakes for the greater good?”

“Little mistakes? That bomb almost took out an entire block! It killed everyone on our team. How can you act like that's nothing?”

“Because, unlike you, I know what happens to me if I don’t.” He hammered my bad leg and I folded, uttering a guttural yell. He had one hand on the gun, but so did I. He whipped me across the face with the back of his hand. My eyes watered. I ducked to shield myself from another blow, before jerking up to headbutt him. He let go of the gun and crumpled to the ground, holding his streaming nose. 

Zed barked madly, shredding my eardrums. But she kept back, obediently. McCall laughed, “They’re never going to let you go. It doesn’t matter if you live or die. It doesn’t matter if you kill me.”

“I’m not gonna kill you.”

“I guess we’ll have a long night then.” He slumped back against the wall and breathed a heavy sigh. I relaxed slightly, shifting the weight off my leg. The moment I did, he lunged forward and swept the gun out from my foot.

He thrashed me with it. I collided with the floor. He put the barrel to my head. I refused to shut my eyes, gasping, “Leave Zed alone at least?”

He bent, invading my space so that I could feel his breath on my neck. “Play along.”

I nodded. Trusted my instincts.

Even as he fired the gun point-blank.

I threw the tennis ball like it was a grenade, as far away from me as possible. Zed hurtled through the pasture, returning the ball to my hand in under twenty seconds. I ruffled the spiked fur near her butt. “You like being a farm dog dontcha?”

I chucked it again and ran a few steps after her in my staccato limp. Making my way to the mailbox was still excruciating, but the effort was paying off. I pulled out something unexpected. A letter from a stranger addressed to my new name. How he still found a way to keep in touch was beyond me.

I couldn’t think of McCall without remembering what went down that night on the boat.

“Was it worth it Dodge? Look where your sparkly ideals got you now!” he screamed and fired again, the bullets lodged in the mattress behind me. I stared up at him with wide eyes. He put a finger to his lips. Zed barked and thrashed, but didn’t go after him. He dragged me through the hall to the side of the boat. He shrugged and winced as he shoved me over the side with a heave. When I hauled myself to the shore, he was waiting to yank me out.

“Sorry ‘bout that. We’ve been under surveillance since the day we left. Bugs everywhere. I wasn’t kidding about the sarge. He wanted me to dispose of you if you admitted to knowing about what botched mission.”

“You–”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to. Obviously. Which is why I’m gonna help you get out. You gotta promise you won’t get all paranoid on me again though.”

“No, I– I get it. Some things are beyond our control.”

“Right and?”

“And?” I cocked my head.

“Annnnd?”

“And… what happened isn't my responsibility. I can leave it alone without letting it rot me from the inside out.”

“That’s my boy. Don’t make that face, no need to be coy.”

As deplorable as his rhymes were, he was right. Single-handedly ending the corruption wasn't realistic, and it wasn’t worth dying for a chance at it. Eventually, I'd make peace with that. For now, I would have to be satisfied with the fact that I'd dodged a bullet.

McCall was wrong about something though. My paranoia hadn't been misplaced. I was going to follow Zed's lead in the future. We were going to lean on our instincts.