29 comments

American Contemporary Fiction

-Contains some foul language-


See, this is what I told the cop. That asshole neighbor of mine has been a pain in my butt for years. Always accusing me of being on his precious property, claiming I left my old washing machine on his side of the line, blah, blah, boo hoo. He’s a farmer for Cripes sake! There’s acres of field out there, but I get anywhere near his boundary, he’s coming at me like a bat out a hell.


Which is what happened Friday last, and I told that to the cop, like I’m telling you now. See, I had a bit of free time on my hands because those jackweeds at the boatyard said I was calling in sick too much. Of course I was. People can’t just be coming in to work with the covid, so I’m doing everyone a favor, but they said three weeks out of two months is too much and fire my ass. I can’t even collect unemployment, did you know that? I’m pretty sure that’s some kind of union violation right there, but the union won’t help me ‘cause I didn’t sign up. How was I supposed to know I’d need a union rep? Fuckers.


Yeah, yeah. I have anger management issues wicked bad. I’m trying to work on it. The doctor says I have to have boundaries, not to let stuff like this whole situation trigger my anger, but how the hell am I supposed to avoid what happens to me?


The point is I had some free time, so I’m setting out on my back porch looking across my field and I get to studying my asshole neighbor’s tree line. Thing is, he put those trees in years back and I didn’t think much of it, but now they’re big and they block my entire view. Used to be I could pop open a cold one or three and set there looking out across his fields and down to the river, my little piece of heaven. Now I’m staring at a wall of pine trees. So I start thinking if I trim out a few of them lower branches, I could see something again. What’s the harm? Them branches kinda stuck out over my property line anyways, so I can cut them. I know my rights.


That’s the thing, you gotta know your rights. People don’t know that. They think the government can just tell them what they can and cannot do and there’s nothing they can do about it. But here’s the thing: the government changed all the laws in secret back in Civil War days. I learned about that on YouTube. These guys – call themselves sovereign citizens - they say the real law of the United States is supposed to be something called “individual common law.” That means the government doesn’t have any authority. So, when these citizen guys get served for not paying taxes or for trespass and such-like, they just throw away the papers and yell they don’t have to follow the law. The cops give ‘em a ticket, and the citizens just tear that up too and the cops don’t do anything. That’s proof right there that they can’t do anything. Those citizen guys are right. We don’t have to play by the rules. We got rights.


And I figured I got the right to enjoy a view God gave me until my asshole neighbor put in a line of pines. So I tossed the chainsaw in my all-terrain and ran her down to the end of my meadow and started trimming up those branches. I could reach up pretty far too. It looked better if I tidied out some of the smaller trees, evened it up. I was clearing up the view good when my asshole neighbor suddenly shows up yelling about the damn property line. He’s an old guy, but actually bigger up close than I had thought he was, and he’s right in my face, his hat brim just poking at me. He looks pissed off as all holy hell and he’s telling me to get off his land. His land? That’s my land! I’ve always had that view and now he’s saying I can’t cut a few little branches.


Well, next thing you know, I’m winding up to get in some punches, and he’s got a hand on my shoulder like he’s going to tell me to calm down, but I can’t take that kind of shit. I have anger management problems. So I start whaling on him, screaming for back up, when my brother comes running down hollering and pulling me off the old guy and we’re both yelling at him to get off my land but he’s being a dick about the pin. “Did you pull the pin?” he keeps shouting. See, awhile back he had his place surveyed with those orange rods as if to stake his claim on every square inch of land he thinks he’s entitled to. 'OOOO where’s my little property pin to mark the line?' like we don’t have bigger things to think about here what with him poking me with his christly hat and maybe he got in some punches himself. My arm’s kind of sore.


My brother pulls me back to the all-terrain and we take off, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It just steams me royal. I tell all this to the boys when they come over to share a few beers. We’re talking plans about maybe torching one of his fields so’s he shows me a little more respect, and maybe we’re getting a little loud, so my other neighbor yells at us to shut up. We’re about to get into it with her, but my brother suddenly reminds me that I have anger management issues and talking about what happened so much isn’t helping. Maybe I should stop telling everyone the story and try to forget about it. Like I haven’t been trying to forget about it! How am I supposed to do that when this guy was in my backyard going on about his pin? Anyways, I’m pretty sure that was assault. I know my rights. So I call the cops.


I bet you know how this goes. The cop comes, some flatlander by the look of it, not from around here near as I can tell. He stands right in my dooryard while I tell him all what I just told you, and he even has a little notebook and pencil. I give him the whole story and he’s just looking around at all the rusted beaters in my yard and the stack of studded snow tires, and he’s got a look on his face I don’t like, so that’s getting my ire up. Finally, he says, “Next time you get into an altercation, call the police first.” Like anyone would know when they were going to be in an “altercation.” Like it sends out an invitation or something. Then he says he’s going to go talk to my asshole neighbor, but from my back porch I track his car going down through the fields to the neighbor’s place and the cop isn’t there but for a few minutes before he heads back out again and that’s all that happens. The cop didn’t do anything! Jeezum crow! Can you believe that?


So I’m thinking them citizen guys have got things bang to rights. The law can’t do anything. I have to protect what’s mine. And I know how to do it.


See, I’ve got all kinds of stuff around my place. People throw things out, just set them by the side of the road, and I do the community a good turn and bring it up to my place. Sometimes, when people can’t set out stuff they probably want to get rid of, we give them a hand. When my brother and I heard that old hermit who had a cabin on the lake had died, we went up to his place during the funeral service to see what we could find. He didn’t have much, but I remember we got a mess of ice fishing traps, a fair decent glider, and some of them old snowshoes with leather thongs that people just hang on their walls for décor. Décor is what you call stuff you’ve got that you don’t have a use for yet. You put it on your wall and call it décor. That’s what I do with my yard. I’ve got décor in my yard. And among the décor we’d picked up at that hermit’s place when we knew he wouldn’t be needing it anymore was a rusty old bear trap.


I think you see where this is going. Where it went. If my asshole neighbor thinks he can come on my property again, he’s got another thing coming. Maybe you think I went a little too far, but you’ve got to understand I have anger management issues. I’ve been trying to work on it.


Now this next part isn’t part of the story I’ve been telling everyone. You’re the first. I guess at this point, there isn’t anyone else to tell.


What happens is this: after I took measures to protect my property rights, I celebrated with a six-pack right there by the all-terrain. I might have had more. I guess I did because when I come to, I was setting on the ground with my head aslant the floor of the all-terrain. And what I’m looking at is this orange boundary pin with its little flag of surveyor’s tape. Now that was a puzzler, I have to say. I stared at it for awhile, wondering how in hell I had the pin, and then this memory comes out of the static in my head like a soldier coming through the smoke on the front lines. It’s a memory of the day I’ve been telling everyone about - my brother, the boys, the cops, you. But that memory and the story I told aren’t the same thing.


The memory is just the facts, none of the décor. And just the facts are that I was wicked pissed off about getting shitcanned from the yard and that got me right pissed off about that damn line of trees, and when I went down to work on them, I could see they were too far on his side of the line, so I pulled the closest pin and tossed it into the all-terrain. Without the pin, no one could really prove I wasn’t on my land. I was aiming to put it back, but then the neighbor came and accused me of pulling the pin and after that, I don’t have any memory of what happened. It’s just red and my heart jackhammering and noise like a pot boiling inside my head and someone telling me I did something wrong. It’s just what I felt. Angry.


I set there a spell digesting this development, I don’t mind telling you. See, just like my asshole neighbor said, I had pulled the pin. I had been standing on his property cutting his trees. And now that I thought about it, I’m pretty sure I hauled off and hit him first when he got in close and I realized he was so big, looking down at me like that, like maybe I’m not good enough.


It was getting on dusk when I figured all that out. And around that time, I see the neighbor walking down the boundary line. Holy shit! I jump up, waving my arms and shouting at him to stop. That guy looks up, and for a little bit I think he’s going to come at me and we’re going to have an “altercation.” But then he turns and walks away. I bet the cop told him to do what he’d told me. Walk away and call the cops. And like lots of old people, he didn’t have a phone on him so was headed up to his house to call.


Soon’s he’s out of sight, I start running up and down my line, poking at the ground with that pin like a blind man’s cane. If the cops find what I did before I do, I’m in deep shit. You can have those things for décor, but setting them is illegal. I can’t find it anywhere though, and I’m starting to panic. I’m casting about with that pin when I realize I musta set the thing on the neighbor’s side of the boundary line without realizing it ‘cause I’d pulled the christly pin. So I flounder through the boughs and bracken I left behind when I cut down the branches, and step right in the damn thing. It triggers and the jaws of the bear trap clamp down over my ankle. I feel bones breaking like a white-hot current running up my leg. I screamed holy hell, I don’t mind saying. Two or three of the teeth are biting into my flesh and slice and grind around when I try to move. One of them’s scraping the bone. It’s the feeling of all the chalk in the world on a chalkboard scraping inside my body. I can’t get at both the springs to push it open. I’m trying, I’m really trying, but rusty metal is a stubborn bastard. Turns out when I set this thing, I thought I’d be the big game hunter and bolted the chain to a stump. Yeah, so I can’t crawl off either. For once in my life, I had to do something right. Well, it was the wrong thing to do, but I did it real good.


So here I am, in the dark, with my foot crushed in a bear trap I set with my own two hands on my neighbor’s land. My phone’s in the all-terrain and I’ve got nobody to talk to except you. And I know, you’re just an imaginary audience. You never do anything but agree with me. I’ve always liked that about you. It makes you real easy to talk to.


Right now, I bet if you did say something, you’d tell me I need to work on my anger management issues. You’re right. You really are. I need to do that. Maybe I need to get some help. You know, from a professional instead of YouTube and a twelve-pack.


I really hope my asshole neighbor called the police.



January 04, 2023 14:52

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29 comments

Ken Cartisano
06:30 Nov 01, 2023

An excellent story, and a well-rendered picture of 'poor white privilege.' The right to be obstinate, angry and ignorant. Yup, you got that right. I think you nailed it. I noticed that 'soldier coming out of the fog' reference too. I think it stands out because it's a very clear visual image, while you are cleverly avoiding any description of the mc or his property throughout the story, because you're hiding the fact that his place is a veritable refuge for junk. And the rusty cars, Carolina yard art. Yeah, the visuals are vague throughout t...

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Laurel Hanson
21:03 Nov 01, 2023

Cannot say how much the phrase "the right to be obstinate, angry, and ignorant," resonates with me right now. I have never heard it phrased as "poor white privilege," but it is apt. I had a bit of a shock when this came through because I thought I had deleted it. This is a (mostly) true encounter with a neighbor (barring the bear trap), and I got worried that it might somehow track back to me, not that anyone around me is likely to be on this site, but I guess I should be more cognizant of social media footprints. Not only that, he has sinc...

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Ken Cartisano
16:22 Nov 02, 2023

I've never phrased it like that before either. My experience with poor whites in rural areas has been quite different from your portrayal as well. They seem to be very religious, clannish and keenly observant. They don't like gossip and they don't all like one another. Above all else, they're self-reliant. But there is always the oddball. I suppose you regret falling into the trap or perpetuating a stereotype, but it was for a good cause. Entertainment.

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Angela Pirozzi
07:02 Feb 02, 2023

This cracked me up! I loved the sovereign citizen bits from youtube and the vernacular your character used! Made it feel true. Very funny!

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Laurel Hanson
13:43 Feb 02, 2023

Thank-you!

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S N
13:53 Jan 12, 2023

Really funny read! It felt like getting inside the head of a person I may have struggled to be patient enough to give a chance (quite frankly), on a count of, well, there personality lol. Surly, he's very surly lol. Got what was coming and the progression of his view on the police being a factor of growth throughout the story is pretty cool.

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Belac Nemo
21:33 Jan 11, 2023

I was tasked with critiquing this story, I thought that it was very well written and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I will say that the analogy of the soldier coming out of the front lines was out of place because it was too extreme for the situation. If, however, your aim was to portray the MC as someone who views himself very foolishly as a tough soldier, then I applaud the creativity. But it wasn't made clear enough that he was embellishing his self image, I would add some words of self love to aid in conveying the idea. Other than that...

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Laurel Hanson
12:51 Jan 12, 2023

Thank-you for taking the time to critique. I agree about the soldier imagery; it always struck me as a little off - possibly too eloquent for the character - but for some reason, I wouldn't cut it. Your comment is appreciated.

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Rebecca Miles
06:20 Jan 11, 2023

I always waiver a bit when I see American tags as some stories are so full of the local lingo that I can't follow. None of this here, it crosses the water just fine because of the strength of the MC's voice. I have a hunch this is the sort of person who just emptily bleats he's got anger management issues and has no intention of doing anything about it; he's prepared to cross all sorts of boundaries. Great narrative details like how he never bothered to learm his neighbour's names accentuated how egotistical he was. The context really helped...

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Laurel Hanson
13:07 Jan 11, 2023

Thank-you! I value this feedback tremendously. I also find reading dialect (particularly American South) extremely taxing and didn't really want to make readers have to work too hard, but obviously the culture the MC is embedded in is too relevant to the voice not to be present. I tried to clean it up some since listening to this accent - what is called "Mainah" (from the state of Maine) can require subtitles for the uninitiated. It also can sound like a comedy routine. So I'm glad it worked! Thank-you for reading it and taking the time for ...

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Tommy Goround
22:24 Jan 09, 2023

There is a proposal to give anger a disability status in California. You get a monthly check for things you break. It will probably pass. Please sign my petition. I get a dollar per signature.

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Laurel Hanson
12:56 Jan 10, 2023

The way things are nowadays, I had to do a quick search to make sure you were joking! I hope... :)

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AnneMarie Miles
07:31 Jan 09, 2023

The voice in this is incredible, especially having read your last winning story. The voices are so different and I just love when writers can do that. The other thing I love is that the writing is so smooth and clear, I can pick up every detail so quickly, despite how wordy it is. Those are some meaty paragraphs but they just melted effortlessly like butter and made me smile, like someone going off on a tangent. This character was hilarious. Every person with anger management issues loves to tell you they have them right after blowing up on ...

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Laurel Hanson
12:17 Jan 09, 2023

Thank you so much! I hold your opinion in high regard, so it means a lot.

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Zack Powell
02:19 Jan 09, 2023

What a laugh riot this was, Laurel. Great character and a very fun narration style. I really enjoyed my time here. Absolutely loved the voice quirks from this character (ex: "so's," "them branches," "christy," etc.). Definitely gave me a sense of region without explicitly having to tell me where this story is set, which is awesome. The "I have anger management issues" refrain throughout made me laugh every time. Talk about an understatement, right? But I'm sure a lot of us know people like this (I certainly do), and it's interesting to see a...

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Laurel Hanson
12:15 Jan 09, 2023

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I respect your input so much. Creating the locale without turning it into a caricature of itself was a challenge. And I am so happy someone enjoyed the completely ludicrous union claim in particular!

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Wally Schmidt
03:39 Jan 08, 2023

I rolled my eyes so many times while reading this that that's how I knew you got the character exactly right! I admire your focus to be able to "get " the main character and build a story around him. Good job

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Laurel Hanson
11:20 Jan 08, 2023

Thank-you so much. It was challenging, and weirdly fun, to get so far out of my own head.

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Rama Shaar
07:36 Jan 07, 2023

This felt like a very real character full of crippling rage. I like the symbol (and description) of being caught in a bear trap. Makes you feel sorry for him and hope that it will be a catalyst for change! Very well done!

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Laurel Hanson
14:26 Jan 07, 2023

Thank-you. I appreciate your kind feedback.

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Wendy Kaminski
15:12 Jan 05, 2023

Let's just say that this story's antihero is so close to my Uncle Bob that it is uncanny. You don't know him, obviously, but he would actually be completely flattered at this depiction, so I think you are off the hook as far as anything that might be considered un-PC! Loved the amusing anger of this piece (much easier to laugh at than if I was the neighbor, but I was definitely chuckling envisioning this guy)! Brilliant introduction of the SovCit ethos, and such a great coverage of that whole mindset, that I wonder if you don't know one, t...

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Laurel Hanson
15:25 Jan 05, 2023

You found me out. The whole episode, not counting the bear trap, is an actual altercation with a neighbor. I tried very hard to do him justice, so if he is reminiscent of your Uncle Bob, I feel I might have done OK. I did add the SOvCit element only because it seems to be the best touchstone for the kind of behavior I am trying to describe. The glaring inconsistencies and contradictions between their realities and...well...reality, is so hard to capture. I was sure comments would include helpful reminders that the character's behavior was i...

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Wendy Kaminski
15:31 Jan 05, 2023

OMG I feel for you!! At least you can turn it into literary gold. :)

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Laurel Hanson
16:01 Jan 05, 2023

It was surprisingly therapeutic! Thanks!

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Mike Henry
03:32 Jan 05, 2023

Another great little story, Laurel. You draw the character so well which adds greatly to the pleasure of reading.

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Laurel Hanson
14:08 Jan 05, 2023

I appreciate that. This character is so not me that it was hard to do it justice, but I am trying to explore and challenge myself. It was a challenge!

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Michał Przywara
21:40 Jan 04, 2023

Excellent :) Lots of funny bits, and I feel bad laughing because there's anger issues and he's even cognizant of them - but here we are. The narrator has a great voice and even experiences significant growth, but then he really steps in it. I appreciate the title too. We have the actual property boundary, we have social boundaries with governments and police, we have the emotional boundaries he's meant to form to manage his anger. "but the union won’t help me ‘cause I didn’t sign up" - ha! Lots of characterization here. "My arm’s kin...

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Laurel Hanson
14:06 Jan 05, 2023

Thank-you! Your feedback is always so insightful and helpful. I felt uncomfortable writing this characterization (as one might feel about reading it as well) since I didn't want to diminish the humanity of anyone, but I did want to explore the continuous contradictions and self-fulfilling rage I am seeing demonstrated by certain individuals. An exercise in empathy, if you will, that I hope did not come off as mockery. Your feedback is very appreciated.

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Michał Przywara
21:59 Jan 05, 2023

Oh, for sure! It didn't come across as mockery to me. The protagonist manages to be infuriating (as the underlying issues are), amusing, and by the end we even cheer him on (kinda). Alas, perhaps predictably, he sabotaged himself.

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