beach day

Today is the day. I have the day off school but mum and dad have to go to work, so they left me in the hands of my older brother. I've been planning an adventure for a while and today fits the requirements perfectly, the weather is supposed to be overcast, so it will be quiet yet still enjoyable. All I have to do is make sure I have the appropriate outfit, something loose but warm and definitely waterproof. I've been going over the journey in my head planning as much of the root that I can, counting all the steps. Finally, all I need to do is work on my list of things to do when I get there. I head to the kitchen to start the day, where I can hear my brother eating his cereal.

“I'm off to the beach, “I say as casually as I can, trying to hide my excitement.

I hear the clatter of what I assume is him dropping his spoon. He stops chewing As he struggles to take in what I said and after a moment, with a mouthful of food, says” ermm mum and dad are at work just me hear today sis, maybe tomorrow?”

“Nope,” I say confidently ” today is perfect” I turn to face the windows” .Do I need sunscreen ? The report said it was cloudy but it feels warm in hear” as I place a hand on the glass trying to distract him from the immensity of this decision. 

“Oh,” he says as he tries to take it all in, “ermm no it is overcast might need another layer”. He pauses then after he clatters around picking up his spoon, asks” are you sure you want to go?  Do you even know the whole root? I don't think we've ever taken you before”. 

“Hmmm Nope, I only know up to the road crossing, so you are welcome to come with but otherwise I'm going on my own”. I say trying to call his bluff. I really don't want to do this on my own, I almost back down  before he quickly stutters out

“ No of course I'll come with you".a pause as he thinks this through. "Should I ask mum first ?” he half hardly jokes. I can hear his excitement in his voice grow as I shake my head. He laughs and walks up to me, touches me on the shoulder, and says “this is going to be awesome.” I aim my smile in what I think is his direction. “thank you'' I say as he leaves my space. I hear him a few seconds later respond from what I think is the hallway closet. “Give me five minutes, we definitely need warmer clothes, I’ll pack a bag”.he says as he is finally getting on my leave of excitement.” Have you ever been to the sea before? he asks as I hear him rushing off to his room.

Nope, I shout back as I feel around for a stool to sit on " I can barely remember the last time I felt sand either". I call out to him.

I hear him running around for a few minutes as I pour a cup of water to drink.

"Well this is exciting, and there's going to be no one there, it's cold and looks like it might even rain," he calls back between rooms. 

A few rushed moments later, slightly breathless,he loudly walks over to me 

“Reddy” he proclaims,” Perfect,” I say as we link arms and head the five steps out the door.

 It was going great. We were walking a route I had walked many times before so I didn't have to concentrate. I was able to eagerly tell my brother all my plans, of the different stuff I wanted to do when we got there.  He just laughs and does his best mum impersonation telling me "no it's not safe" in her “being overprotective” voice.  Then we entered the unknown territory, the path to the beach, where a small cliff made by sand dunes next to the road, blocked the way. He tells me to” wait here” as he goes ahead. A few seconds later I heard him call out  “Trust me you'll be fine, but you're going to have to jump”.

His yell comes from below. There's no ground past my feet, just a sudden drop. I try to focus on my surroundings to calm down, I should have known this would happen. Behind me the sounds of traffic going from right to left and above the sounds of birds and wind blowing through trees. In the distance, I can hear the sound of waves and the smell of the sea around me, and I can feel the edge of the tarmac path change to ground and sand and the drop leading to in front of me from there I can feel nothing. 

I wanted to go to the beach today, a new place. I wanted to feel the sea between my toes but this might be too much, I should have expected this traveling to a new area. Trying to get more independents but it is intimidating.

My stupid pride I should have waited to ask mum or dad to come with me, but they are always so smothering, they would be safer though. They would never let me run in the sea, my brother, however. He is a risk-taker, fun but carless. 

I've dropped before but always in a controlled environment, that's all I need is more information. I can still do this, I think to myself

“What's down there I ask ?” with a slight panic in my voice as I lower onto my hands, crawl to the edge, and reach as far down as I can. 

“Just sand,” he says back like that was a sufficient explanation. 

"Look harder, is there anything sharp that I might land on?"  I question back irritatedly 

After a pause, I hear him shuffling around. It's hard to tell if that is him moving or the waves roaring, they are surprisingly calming.

  "I mean there are some branches but they're way off to the side. I'm sure you'll be fine." He replies, trying to reassure me.

“I don't know. Is there another way round?”I try to reason 

“What?” he sounds annoyed “ Oh  come on look it's the quickest root. There's no other way round to avoid this drop, that  wouldn't take forever”.he gives an annoyed grunt “ we want to get there before high tide right?”

I know he's joking and that high tide is far away. And I'm sure there is another path, but I need to be able to do this. It's not about getting to the beach really if I think about it, it's the experience and being brave enough, to take risks, to get there. I need to be able to do this.

"Come on sis you'll have to take risks in life like this the world is big " he calls up as if reading my mind. I appreciate that he's being encouraging but I can hear his patience wearing thin. “ Just give me a minute, I'll get it, “ I say back trying to show my appreciation but forgetting to yell. I don't know if he hears me as I'm focused on feeling as much down the cliff as I can, it does seem soft and safe. 

"You are tougher than you give yourself credit for, this was your idea remember

It's just sand below, soft Cushioning sand." He calls back getting closer to me, encouraging me as I move to sit on the edge, letting feet dangle into the void.

“You wanted to do this right to go into the unknown,'' he says now much closer than before, still below me.”You knew the risks this morning but you still wanted to go, to be free from the restrictions of your life to conquer the fear that everyone forces on you, to show them that you're capable.” he pauses as I feel the ground in my hands and a slight braces in my hair then he continuous. “That's why I'm so glad you let me come along because you know I get it, I understand you're a person, my awesome sister, not a glass doll or a pet, but an independent human that needs freedom, so to get there you have to make this jump, by yourself, no pressure even getting to hear is impressive and I have so much respect for all you have done there's no rush” I hear his voice crack and I can tell how genuine he's being I feel the prick tears begin to form, but still I find it hard to move.``I could tell you that I have extensively cleared out the area and everything's safe but that's not true all I did was jump down first but I think this is reparative of struggles you'll find in life,   the point is it's not but nothing in this life will be known risks, especially for you, so yeah you could go take your time and find a safer path and miss out on all the fun or you could say screw it and just jump. I'll catch you “

“You don't get it brother this isn't a simple little jump for me it can never be”. I feel the frustration in my voice not at him but at my misfortune. my voice cracking as I try desperately to explain .” It's a leap in the Vode'' I call out “. this is darkness for me is not the lack of light, that's everything,  the lack of ground, the lack of anything to touch if I can't feel something it is like darkness would be to you, would you be so cavalier about all this if you had to jump into the dark?”.Deep down I know he's not being cavalier about it but before he can answer I ramble on. I can't stop my feelings from coming out now. 

"I want nothing more than to be ok with simply jumping down, and I know you get it, but still I can't go back ok. Just getting here is not enough. I need to do more. This needs to be easy for me".the words fall out I didn't even realize I had been thinking all this. “If I'm to have any future I need to be good with just casually moving around the world on my own without worry but I can't. every day I have to be careful and people do everything for me it sucks”.I pause to breve. “ It's frustrating hearing about your adventures and how you go out have a life,  when I'm forced to stay in” I say in almost a whisper  “ I love mum and dad but they are so afraid of me doing anything that might hurt me they won't let me live my life.” a long silence with a soothing backdrop of ocean waves when I let out hesitantly “ But I'm scared what if they're right? What if I'm not ready? Will I ever be?”. I whisper as I taste the tears from my cheek, when did I start crying? 

A moment passes as the sea roars in the distance and birds chirp from not too far away. “ hay sis” my brother says calmly. “ I get it, I do. You are amazing and capable of so much.” he says as I start to calm down “ you know I've been here the whole time I know you I'm not just saying this” a pause as I give him a week smile in his direction.

“ But you need to be more understanding to mum and dad, you're their miracle child. They want you to succeed and definitely want you to be independent. It's just hard for them to let go of their baby, it's hard for any parents .”  It sounds like he's sat down now.”I mean it took me a while to get over it but they definitely love you more,” he says half-joking, I let out a chuckle. He takes this as encouragement “ I mean I've been there the whole time but they're always watching you, but I get it, sister, you are stronger and tougher than you know. I've seen you fall and get up so many times, this is really nothing compared to some of the stuff you've already done” he says bring me back to this situation. I realize he's right if it is only a few feet then why am I hesitating so much .” if you want to live then jump.” he demands as I pick myself up and take three steps back, a deep breath and With all the grace of a crying elephant, I run and jump. 

and he's there to catch me and squeeze me hard I start lathing it was so simple

"Alright" he yells right in my ear. I push him away, he is too loud.” I thought you would just lower yourself not run. you are insane” he's shouting through laughter 

I smile a huge smile unable to hide my joy, out of breath, and lathing. He eventually  links arms “let's do it again," I say excitedly  but he just pulls me forward saying

"Baby Steps, that was amazing but you know mum and dad will kill me if anything happens to you" he reasons. "I'm already going to be in so much trouble for this, so from here I'll guide you the rest of the way."He orders.

Still costing off the adrenaline I accept his guidance, I can't even count the steps properly as I take in the amazing feel of sand. I'll have to come back another time for that.

 And then I feel it. The winds. No one told me there would be wind. This amazing bone-chilling wind,  somehow the cold salty wind is making me warmer. It forces me to pull closer to my brother and truly feel the beach for the first time, the sound of the sea is defining and beautiful and for a moment I am overwhelmed as I just stand there taking it all in, I love the beach. 

“You wouldn't have actually gone on your own would you?” My brother asks  I had forgotten he was even there

I pause to taste the wind “Definitely not. but I needed you to think I would. Someday I hope I can though.” I say with the genuine belief that I can.

That would be something.

“Hey brother, what color is the sea?” This is why I love my brother, He pauses and goes into one of his amazing descriptions.

The sea is full of hope, its promises of new lands and new experiences. The sea is gray but it is just a reflection of the sky above, the sea is vast and on the horizon, the clouds break and the waters are blue, there is always a brighter future ahead.