The sin I made

Yes, I have sinned, that I can ever undo it. Nor fix it. But I should have fixed it, I should have accepted that I committed a mistake. But I could not. I should not have attempted in the first place. Why did I do that?

Because I was lonely. Yes, I was surrounded by crowds and friends. But I was lonely among them.

I was crying in the washrooms, I was crying myself to sleep.

I thought people hated me later I knew they were jealous of me all the time. I should have accepted that I was beautiful and pure by heart. Yes now I have accepted, but I regret not doing it 4 years back.

All I remember mom and dad fighting, they never cared about my feelings. Why would they because they were serving delicacies on my plate? That’s all a child wants RIGHT?

“I'm so fair why did my daughter didn’t inherit my color?

God, why have you given such a nice hardworking mother a dusky child. Why I'm so unlucky? My life never goes the way I wanted”

Thank you mother for telling me these assuring sentences. I could not believe you cried when I got specs in 5^th grade. Cause you told my dad that since childhood you gave me vitamin C rich foods so that I couldn’t inherit the specs that my father had. But when I got you were cursing on gods and your luck. Because on your ugly daughter there will be a crown of specs.

But you changed and loved me when I was a teenager. And even I hurt your emotions many times. I want to undo the mistake but time has passed.

Then, my father was happy that I got specs because even he had one and it confirms that I inherited his pathetic genes. He said to my mom while I was sleeping that I look decent in my specs hence no boys will come to me. In a way, even he said I was ugly.

Then their fights intensified. She would call the cuss words in front of her 12 years old daughter. She would call him impotent. They thought I didn’t understand anything but I did.

Hence I tried to end it. My life.

I was tired of living with these two people who hated each other immensely. They would fight all day all night long. Now I cannot take a nap without hearing a song. My brain only falls to sleep when I put earphones in my ears.

I thought someone will rescue me, but no one did. When I hear the song “Mad at Disney” I feel the singer got inspired by my life. All these years I used to think that a prince with his shining sword would rescue me from these complex emotions. But my shooting star failed.

In 9^th every girl was getting proposed, every girl's lap was filled with chocolates and gifts. But not my cause somewhere I was a confident young girl who would not support male dominance. Then I thought maybe it's my fault, why I'm so feminist. Feminism made me alone so, I thought maybe even I should act as a damsel in distress. Yes, I did a mistake again which I can't undo.

I hated him first, he looked as if he had 3 children and married life of 20years. Then he tried to talk to the prettiest girl in our class. Typical teen boy in heat. The next day he had a debate with me in the social science class. Look at his audacity, first of all, he's new and trying to fight with a 2-time debate champion. He got shifted to another class, I was happy. Then he started to talk I ignored him, but he further indulged in my feelings. Then one day he said that he missed me during concerts, events or when he was at home. My heart took a quiet leap and my stomach flipped. I thought that my prince charming prince came at last. But soon I was proved wrong. He used to talk behind my back, call me names, told false things about me to other people. He became verbally abusive with me. And used to stalk me and even continued this all, after he left school. He shattered my heart and sometimes used me for his selfish purpose, he took my name and entered many competitions. He used my name for his high school popularity. And when I was out of town dated my best friend. I had many instances with him which needs a 100-page dialogue. But I don’t want to dive in now. I want to treat those memories as nightmares and just feel it as a bad dream.

I was shattered because I thought he will rescue me but he turned out to be the cruel witch that locked me up in the castle for his own needs.

I was shattered but I still topped my exams and came first in my school. But the fear and anxiety hovered over me. My father with his sloppy patriarchal brain took the choice of my subjects and school. I didn’t like the school I had secured good marks for a better college but my father forced me into the school which onset good enough.

Their fights tolled me I was depressed and didn’t have any desire to study at all. The new students didn’t talk with me and my old friends turned out to be my haters. I suffered from the school for continuous 2 years. I just feel goosebumps remembering it. It was hell like tough.

But I fought everything and came up with the first-rank again. Now I'm on a break but I will come back for sure. There is something I want to create and I'm working hard on it. And I think I will be successful in it.

I love my parents and thank them for all the good things that they provided me but there have been things that I never wanted was also forced upon me. The subjects the decision to push me into a certain career.

I have so hard time about it but you never felt that it was affecting me, but you ridiculed and told me that I was a retarded person. So you have pinned an exam to prove my intelligence. Have you ever thought about how will it affect me?

So I know I'm not keeping you happy the way you want to be because I have started to love myself and will continue to do so.

That’s why I brutally criticized a writer on reedsy because all she could write about was achieving, to make parents happy, to gain marks, to always come first.

It's not true, marks neither represent your intelligence nor you should get marks for your parents. Your dreams must make you happy. But you should not dream about making your parent's dreams true. I have tried it and I suffered, all this due to this cliché Indian mentality. I'm not going to dive in, neither I'm going to appreciate who preaches it.

I'm going to atone for my mistake and sin that I did 4 years back.

By loving myself immensely.

This true and I do not want sympathy for it. But yes I do not want my teenage folks to go through the same thing. That’s why this story is important. Nor do I want your feedback or criticism on it. It's my life experience. And I'm opening about this because I think I'm changing myself completely and going through an inner transition. So it’s a phase I'm letting out to lighten my feelings.