The Beholder Chronicles

Nancy Grace put on her microphone and started the interview. She told her audience that she had as guests today Sherry and Charlie Whitaker. Nancy told her viewers that they wouldn’t believe the couples struggles after they recently returned from their life long dream of moving to the country. 

It all started, she said with an excursion to a small town in Southern Alabama by the name of Pansy. As you will see Sherry and Charlie both had very different and extraordinary experiences which we will thoroughly discuss in grave detail. This is Nancy Grace with the truth and very different reactions to southern hospitality.

Nancy asked Sherry what was her favorite part of living in Southern Alabama. Sherry responded that the winters were mild and hardly ever snowed. Charlie chimed in on how hot and humid and muggy the summers were and how the air conditioning never got a break from the extreme heat. Nancy went on to ask Sherry about the friendliness of southern people. “Oh yes”, Sherry exclaimed, “they are the most pleasant group of individuals you would ever want to meet. She said with their charming southern drawls, they offered to help plant flowers and dig holes with an auger for our fence posts. Nancy looked over and Charlie was turning red. She said, “yes Charlie what do you have to say about that. “Oh yeah”, Charlie started, “they offer a lot of promises but never show up to do any of it with their cutesy southern drawl, it makes you want to throw up. “Speaking of sick”, Charlie again stated, the pastor of the local church brought my wife the most disgusting food I had ever heard of” BOILED PEANUTS, now that was some nasty mush. 

“Oh, but the peanuts”, Sherry said,”. “They grow them everywhere. Did you know Nancy that Dothan, the town just nine miles down the road is the peanut capital of the world. They have little peanuts dressed up throughout the town in darling little costumes. Dothan, Alabama is well known, it has a Peanut Festival every year full of live entertainment.” Nancy shook her head looking impressed and then looked at Charlie and told him she was sure he couldn’t say anything bad about that. He told Nancy if you like breathing in all the peanut dust, coughing and wheezing all night long. She rolled her eyes and said what a baby. He said you don’t understand that place rotates peanuts with cotton every year and when they harvest the cotton it looks like you took an entire roll of toilet paper and scattered it all over the road. 

Sherry looked up and said Charlie what about the pecans, you loved my pecan pie and tarts. Charlie told his wife he did but hated running over those darn things with the lawnmower. Everywhere you looked day after day, pecans all over the ground. You clean them up and the very next day they were all over the ground again sometimes full of worms. The worms Charlie said didn’t bother him as much as the snakes, he said he killed seven in a year in half. White oak ones were the most common but it wasn’t unheard of to kill a water moccasin. Between the spiders the size of basketballs and red fire ants whose venom made you feel like you got in a yellow jacket nest you didn’t dare go barefoot. Sherry told Nancy the bugs weren’t that bad, the love bugs were cute all stuck together and flying everywhere. Yes, Charlie jumped in, in your face, all over your car, he said he had never seen bugs with so much attitude. A gnat flew in his eye once when he was working in the yard, it took him three days to get it out and it only came out because he developed a serious eye infection. 

Nancy listened to the couples stories and said “Are you guys sure you were in the same place, seriously.” “I have never heard such different stories coming out of the mouths of two people.”Sherry smiled sweetly as Charlie scowled. Yes Sherry said we were both there in the same place in our beautiful big house.” She told Nancy that she loved Alabama houses that the rooms were huge. Her bedroom was able to hold a California King with ample extra room. She said her walk in closets were not just in the Master but in every room. The bathrooms were huge, they were the size of an apartment with a Jack and Jill adjoining two of the the children’s bedrooms. Great rooms were the size of a school cafeteria. “Yeah” Charlie said, imagine cooling that house, whew it took every extra penny I had.”

Nancy looked at Charlie and rolled her eyes and asked the couple how close they were to the ocean. Sherry smiled again and said only 72 miles to Panama City. Beautiful, the emerald coast, water like bath water, white sand with sea gulls singing. “Hurricanes, Tornados and Straight Line Winds, the insurance cost was ridiculous, Charlie said; What we saved on property taxes was eat up by premiums. The fresh air was incredible Sherry stated, Charlie looked at her like she had three heads and said what about when it rains Sherry. The paper mill fifteen miles away burns your eyes and smells so bad it makes you ill and that was nothing compared to the Nuclear plant just nine miles away. If there was a failure, you would be annihilated within seconds. 

But Charlie, Sherry said we grew beautiful watermelons and cantaloupes. Yes he said that he had to water constantly or they would wither up to prunes. He said he used water from a well he knew nothing about and didn’t know how deep or how long it would last. Sherry said it had the best tasting water. She said the locals called it sweet water. Charlie said with as much chemical as he poured down it to kill all the bacteria they should have called it bleach water. 

Sherry kept telling Nancy positive attributes about Dothan, its murals on the buildings, the restaurants with their delicious barbecue, and how easy access to the town was. She said the town was set in the shape of a wagon wheel to be convenient to every business. Charlie continued to ding everything Sherry would say from Cheese flavored grits to the southerners having no idea what cocoa wheats were. 

The two could agree that the youth was very polite with their yes ma’am’s and no sirs but Charlie had to add that the teenagers were just as ornery as any other one just respectful about it. The laid back slow lifestyle appealed to Sherry but left Charlie wanting more. 

“I just want to know” asked Nancy, “how you two can even be married not being able to agree on anything, your marriage is ridiculous. 

Charlie said “no, Nancy, you don’t understand, I see the negative in everything and my skies are dark and gray and just when I’m about to give up there is a ray of sunshine that shines through the clouds. My little Sherry.”

Well Charlie, I’m glad you have Sherry, but Sherry what is in it for you with Charlie’s doom and gloom. You have to be miserable. 

Sherry smiled and said “no, Nancy, it is true that I see the beauty in everything but sometimes I don’t see the danger and Charlie protects me and makes sure I stay grounded.

“Well, I've never heard of such absurdity , but it seems to work for the two of you.

That’s all the time we have for today.

This is Nancy Grace and you’ve heard it here folks.