Love's Not an Alien Concept

CW: Swearing

Her profile stated that she loves the colour periwinkle. I had no idea that she was talking about her latex-like skin. She said that she wants held softly, deftly --- as if she were the most delicate of hydrangea petals. I didn’t know it entailed caressing her nine protruding tentacles. She mentioned that she’s originally from far from London. Who knew that she hails from outside the Milky Way, from some dwarf planet called Lila Centauri?

As I observed this non-Earthling twist the flounced sleeve of her watermelon maxi dress with an “arm”, the huge, vermillion teardrop-shaped crystals dangling from her stub of an ear resembling droplets of juice, there was only one thing in my mind.

“Hi, it’s lovely to meet you,” I beamed, extending a hand. “Why don’t we sit down?”

Even in the low amber lights of this Soho restaurant, I couldn’t help grinning seeing her large almond eyes, right at the very top of a spheroid head, flicker downward towards the scalloped edge of the maroon tablecloth, a flash of apprehension tapping away at the surface. Her burnt sienna irises scintillated with tears as she wordlessly pursed her lips.

“I’m guessing you want to leave now. I don’t blame you,” she replied with a sigh, a meaty limb smoothing her skirt.

Taken aback, I culled my brain for a response.

“Why would I want to…?”

“I mean I watch your planet’s girls a lot, a partner on one of their only two extender appendages. I just thought it would be nice…”

“Hey, I’m not leav…”

“How dare I, I know. Daesmydera, my god, you’re so selfish in wasting the time of this fine young man trying to find someone to be with. Do you really think he’d…”

“I’m not leav…”

“Wake up! Look at this lovely man before you. Look at those Venusian atmosphere eyes, that supernova smile. Would he actually dare be seen with…”

“Hey, hey! I’m not leaving. Can’t you see? I’m not going anywhere,” I exclaimed.

Without even thinking, I grabbed one of my date’s “hands”, which in turn, painted the lilac of her complexion a faint rose.

“You…are…,’ she sputtered out, brown peepers bright as the sun.

“I’m staying, yes. How can I not stay when you intrigue me…uhm, what did you say your name was?”

“Daesmydera”

“Daesmu..Daes…I’m so sorry,” I responded, my head bowed in embarrassment.

“No, no, it’s fine,” the beautiful creature across me muttered. “I know it’s a mouthful. I mean if it were up to me…never mind.”

“If it were up to you what?”

“Well,” she droned, biting a bow lip. “If it were up to me, I’d just be simply Daisy.”

“Well, your wish is my command, Daisy,” I answered, eliciting lightyears of twinkling in her tight, shy flash of pearly whites.

“Daisy, yes, I’m Daisy. And you are?”

I swallowed a gulp into my suddenly parched throat before speaking.

“It’s Stéphane. My family’s originally from Lyon, but I guess you can call me Stephen since everybody…”

“Stéphane, lovely name. Nice to meet you.”

For five minutes, the two of us just sat there. No words rocketed between the black lacquer table between us, and yet in just a chocolate on pistachio gaze, I felt galaxies being born.

You know, Daisy, I..”

“Uhm…uh…here’s your appetiser.”

We turned towards a scraggly boy with mop of titian curls and the crisp white button-down shirt of The Nebula’s servers. His legs quaked with every step as his face tightened into a tight coil grimace.

“Oh yes, I ordered some of their Fusion Sushi in advance,” I explained. I searched her delicate, lavender visage for a sign that I wasn’t being presumptuous in picking out food for her. “I mean, I guess if you…I mean, do you want…”

“Oh my goodness! That looks great, actually. You’ve got great taste.”

“Oh, really? That’s great, Daisy. I mean, I was concerned that…oh my!”

We both stare at two pairs of chopsticks --- one held by human phalanges and the other, by tentacles --- intertwined like lovers’ undulating bodies in the throes of passion. Blood rushed onto our cheeks, the pink streaking like a comet’s tail.

“Sorry about that. You can have it, Dais…”

“No, you have it.”

I was picking up the sea urchin roll when out of the corner of my eye, I observed our server with the turned-up expression still stuck on like a mask. He seemed to mouth out something that looked like the words “Thank goodness.”.

“You know what, Daisy, take it. It’s for you. Savour it,” I declared, my eyes never leaving the mop-headed boy.

With that, Daisy shrugged and popped the little uni wrap in her cylindrical suction apparatus.

“Is that a straw? What is she…. FUCK!”

We guffawed as we watched the restaurant employee dash to the kitchen, screaming.

“Ha! Serves him right!”

“Well, then again…”

“Then again what?”

I then noticed my date chewing her bow-shaped top lip with two of her incisors. She heaved her shoulders and let out a siren-like whimper.

“Stéphane, look at me. I’m purple! I’m not surprised that teenager…”

“Daisy, please don’t say that. You’re very…”

“You know, you’re really kind. But let’s face it, no one would call me…”

“Amethysts are prized because of their hue. You are an amethyst.”

It was just a sudden outburst, but it was enough for her earthen eyes to lift as if gravity didn’t exist.

“Well, if you say so, I…oh wow!”

I looked at Daisy whipping out her phone Android as it buzzed with a new notification. Immediately, an entire constellation sparkled in those brown orbs.

“Sorry about that. It’s just that my students sent me a photo of the entire class with ‘Good luck, Ms. Xholic’ on the board.”

“Students? You’re a teacher,” I blasted out, my mind grounded on a single word mentioned.

“I am. I’ve been an English as an Intergalactic Language teacher for adults for seven years now. Why?”

“I’m a laws professor at the University College London. My mates from school keep taking the mickey out of me for not going into practice, but they don’t understand.”

“Oh, I know what you mean. My parents keep making comments about being the only family member not in the field of planetary ring engineering. They just don’t see that…”

“Investing in people’s minds is a seed that will grow into something special.”

Two pairs of palms and two pairs of limbs without thumbs flew to our respective gasping mouths. We careened our heads towards each other and giggled.

“We just said the same thing together,” Daisy commented between peals of laughter.

“I know. Didn’t really expect that,” I replied. “Well, then again, I did.”

“Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“Well, even in the expanse of space separating Earth to Lila Centauri, two souls can fit into each other like a hand in glove, as if G-forces pull them together.”

Once again, I observed a rose --- this time, bright --- spread itself underneath Daisy’s skin, turning it a lovely magenta.

“I…guess so, Stéphane. I mean…listen…I…”

“DAESMYDERA!”

“Oh no, not him!”

My eyeballs practically bulged as it took in a three metre-tall hunk of grey cracked leathery scales and protruding muscles. His reptilian fists were swung at nothing but air, almost as if he needed to punch even emptiness just to let the obviously erupting Martian volcano inside of him come out. His long, putrid, lemon yellow talon teeth were bared and his scarlet pupils flared out at me.

Before I could scream, Daisy fished a hardbound book from her purse and whacked the behemoth with it.

“Haythor! How many times have I told you to leave me well alone?”

“Is that a way to treat a fiancé?”

“Fiancé? Please! Our parents being friends and nagging us to be in a relationship does not an engagement make.”

“Well, it should,” Haythor replied. He then cast a red glower at me. “Certainly, that’s better than you being with this epidermis-covered poofter.”

“Don’t you dare…”

“Come on now, Daesmydera. Do you really think you’ll be happy with this bloke? This bloke?! He can’t even zap things with his fingers.”

“Sure, but can you win the jackpot in a French game show by beating a three-time champion and then, defending your crown?”

“Wait, how did you know,” I queried Daisy, my jaw to the restaurant’s Moroccan tiled floor.

“I…sort of…Google 5.0-ed you,” Daisy cooed. “What can I say? I really wanted you to like me.”

“Did you really…?”

“SILENCE!”

With noxious gases billowing out of his slit nostrils, Haythor charged his way towards Daisy and me. A glowing beam of fiery orange light shot out of his bulbous red eyes.

“That serves you…”

“NO, HAYTHOR!”

Without even the time to react, I watched Daisy lunge herself in front of me, shielding me from the path of her rejected suitor’s laser gaze. The crystals dangling from her ears refracted the beam back to the very monster that cast it. He couldn’t help backing away, growling in pain as he limped backward and out the door of the bistrot.

“Oh, thank goodness he’s gone. Now, we can…Daisy? Daisy!”

I rushed towards my date, crumpled on the floor and rubbing a large gash on her delicate face. I immediately grabbed a napkin and dab her face with it.

“Daisy, are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, no. It’s okay, Stéphane. It’s just a wound. Besides, healing time for my species is three times faster than that of a human, apparently.”

“Well, that’s good that you…”

“Uhm, actually, I’m not okay,” she blurted out. “But not in the way you think.”

As I looked down to the purple complexioned extraterrestrial I spent the evening with, I noticed fat, diamantine teardrops dance their way across her cheeks. Her lithe body heaved as her chest collapsed inward.

“Stéphane, look, I’m sorry for not divulging everything about me in my dating profile. I just really wanted a shot with you,” she explained. “But now, I’ve ruined everything. Anyway, why would a very attractive human like you ever go out with an alien?”

My mind played back the entire evening --- the laughter that had me floating to the asteroid belt, the rocket fuel in my veins finding out we had the same passion as educators, her beauty that rivals Saturn’s rings --- and only came out with one answer.

“Hey, Daisy, I think you’re forgetting something. I’m a French bloke in England. I’m an alien too.”