The Ten-Year Resolution

I did it. I finally did it. It only took ten freaking years, but I did it. I’m so happy my hands are numb. That’s a thing, right? 

I hope so. 

I guess you’re wondering what, exactly, is so hand-numbingly exciting. Well, I’ll tell you about it. Come with me on a strange journey. It’s a happy story in the end, but there were some rocky points along the way. You better believe that. 

So you can rest assured that, in this particular story, the night is darkest before the dawn. But it’s worth it for that fantastic, brilliant sunrise that denotes a new day. A day in which anything is possible. 

It all started ten years ago on New Year’s Day. This was 2011. I was 27 at the time. I’m 37 now. Math. 

My wife, Tabatha, and I had just been married in August of 2010, and I was as happy as a pig in a clam. Or a clam in mud. Or something like that. 

The point is that I was happy. And I wanted to spread that happiness around a bit. I wanted my older brother, Nathan, to be just as happy as I was. 

So, on New Year’s Day, as I was resolving my year away, it hit me: I could help my brother find a wife. After all, that’s why I was so happy. I had found my soul mate and my best friend and my partner in crime and my ball-and-chain and my hubbie-wubbie all wrapped up into one person. 

I spent about five minutes thinking it over before I set my jaw, looked out toward the horizon (I couldn’t actually see the horizon because I was in my apartment, but I looked at the wall and imagined the horizon there), and said to myself, By God, my New Year’s Resolution for the year of our lord, 2011, is to find my brother Nathan a wife. 

At that point, Tabatha came in and asked me why I was talking to myself. I told her the good news. We high-fived. It was a great moment in history. 

Unfortunately, it only took a few days for me to partially forget about this resolution. I would think about it at odd times, like in the shower, or stuck in traffic, or clipping my toenails. I would think, Yeah, I’ve gotta find Nathan a wife, then I would pretty much forget about it. 

2011 passed quickly. Before I knew it, it was New Year’s Day, 2012. And that resolution came shooting back into my brain with all the ferocity of one of those laser pointers that cats love so much. 

So, once again I resolved to find my brother a wife. No matter what. And, according to some scientist and a few religious guys and very trustworthy people on the internet, the world would be ending in December of 2012. I only had a little over 11 months to find my brother a wife! 

When I told my wife Tabatha about it, she said, “Why does it matter, if the world is going to end in December, anyway?” 

I said, “He needs to experience happiness before the world ends, you silly goose!” I put my hand up for a high-five, but Tabath just rolled her eyes and walked away, leaving me hanging. 

I soon forgot about the high-five incident and got to work finding my brother a wife. At first my tactic was to message women on the internet and dating sites, telling them that I was happily married but looking for a wife for my brother. For some reason, I didn’t get great results with this technique. 

So I changed things up. 

I created a dating profile with my brother’s picture and all his likes and I even tried to talk like him when messaging these women. I know my brother well— we’re only a year apart, after all. I found a few juicy prospects, but none that really felt right for Nathan. 

November rolled around and I still hadn’t found the right woman for Nathan, so I kind of gave up. The world was probably going to end in a month, so I just concentrated on mending my fractured relationship with my wife, who insisted that I felt distant and cold lately. 

Well, as you know, the world didn’t end in December of 2012. I won’t say I was disappointed it didn’t end, but I really didn’t want to continue the search for a wife for Nathan. I was tired. And yet, I found myself making the same resolution anew on New Year’s Day, 2013. I follow through. If you can’t keep a promise to yourself, who the heck can you keep one to? 

Now, when I tell you that I’m doing you a favor by glossing over the next 5 years, I hope you believe me. 2013 to August of 2018 were not great years for finding my brother a wife. 

I tried everything I could to find him a soul mate, but nothing worked. During this time, Nathan dated a few women and got serious with one, but none of them were really right for him. 

I was beginning to think that I would never find him a wife! 

But, in August of 2018, I had a breakthrough. I met a woman who was just perfect for him in every way. As soon as I saw her, I knew that this was the one for Nathan.

It’s kind of a funny story, how we met. See, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps because my wife had just left me, when this woman, Sally, came into my life. I had apparently wandered onto a freeway and been hit by a car. I honestly don’t remember doing it (probably because I was incredibly drunk— I was a raging alcoholic at the time), but I’m glad I did! Because Sally was the RN at the hospital. She helped nurse me back to health!

But finding her was just the first step. It was a big step, sure, but there were tough times ahead.

Getting Nathan and Sally together proved hard at first, but I kept at it and they finally got together! 

I had a hell of a time breaking up Sally’s marriage (it was a strong one), but there was really no other way to do it. After all, she couldn’t be married to two people at once! I did feel bad for her five kids, though. But, apparently, divorce is good for kids. That’s what some people say, anyway. 

The hardest part, though, was breaking up Nathan’s marriage. I mean, he seemed happy and all with his first wife, but I had nothing to do with that. My resolution said, explicitly, that I had to be the one to find him a wife. So the one he had when I met Sally wouldn’t do. Plus, I knew he could be happier. I just knew it. 

Besides, he didn’t even ask me about it before he got married the first time, in June of 2017. He didn’t even invite me! Apparently he was tired of me poking around in his life, showing up at his house at all hours, pretending to be him, etc. 

He was mad, but I knew he would come around when I found him the perfect wife. I just knew he would forgive all the crazy things I’d done, like breaking into his house, doctoring pictures of his wife with other men, threatening his wife, and trying to have her deported even though she was born in Michigan. 

To tell you truly, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this ordeal it’s that persistence pays off. With enough cajoling and lying and harassment, both Sally and Nathan got divorced from their respective spouses. It was a step in the right direction. 

When they met at my trial and begged the judge and prosecutor to lock me up and throw away the key, I knew that they both realized I’d been right. 

They fell deeply, madly in love. And, like I said at the beginning of the story, they got married! Almost exactly a year and three months after they’d met at my trial. 

I couldn’t attend the wedding because I’m not even two years into a ten-year sentence, but they wrote me a lovely, scathing letter. They insist that the only reason they’re together is that their previous partners will no longer speak to them, thanks to me. But I’m not dumb. I know the truth. 

I know that they are perfect for each other. Even if their only thing in common is a burning hatred for me. 

People don’t seem to understand why I would go to such heights for my brother. But, really, I don’t see what there is to understand. I was doing what it took to fulfill my New Year’s Resolution. And if you don’t have your word, what do you have?

And, of course, I wanted to make my brother as happy as I had been before my marriage went up in flames!

The important thing is that, in the end, everything worked out. My brother and his new wife assured me they would kill me if I came near them, but by the time I get out of this prison, they’ll have calmed down. 

Besides, I just made a brand new resolution. I’m so excited my gums are numb!

This one concerns you. Aren’t you curious what it is? 

Don’t worry . . . you’ll find out soon enough.