The party started softly; in each home along the river, they lit their fires and started their music, filling the small village with light and sound. Slowly, as the moon rose in the sky above, the sounds and lights from the village grew. Louder and louder, the merriment sounded, filling the evening skies with laughing and joyful singing. This was a celebration that only happened once in a lifetime, and not a single soul in all of Sanctum Reach would have missed it.
Carson Faraday was a young man and a captain to a small team of men. They followed him because they believed he could shine a light upon the world. They all seemed to believe the world was heading towards a Forever Endless Night, and that Carson was the man who could herald them to their new dawn. He went with it, because maybe they were right. He had always seen the bright side of life, no matter how dark it got around him. With the Festival of Shinning Skies upon them, Carson and the knights took the time and peace of the day to enjoy themselves.
Everyone knew them as the Sightless Knights, not because they couldn’t see. No. All of them had their sight. Everyone knew the Sightless Knights because they saw no color or creed when they helped. No matter who you were, where you were born, they would offer you a helping hand. The knights cared nothing for a person’s appearance, only that they breathed. They cared for all life equally, and they wished to see the rest of Sanctum Reach see life the same as they do, by spreading their hope and dreams with the world.
The small village was called Wingston, a little hamlet of a village along the Elmtry Rill. They had very little, but the people had a hope that drew the Sightless Knights to the place to set up for the festival.
Carson himself had taken most of the daytime hours to rest. He had been traveling for so long now; he had lost track of the days. The festival was a nice rest that he needed. Closing his eyes and giving praise to the goddess of the winds, Iia, Carson left the home he had been staying in.
He stepped out into the night just in time to see the first lights falling, turning his head to the north, to stare up at the falling lights and marvel at them. He had never seen such a sight before, as the last time such an event had happened, he had not even been a thought yet in his mother’s mind.
“You can see them better from the hill.” An older woman was sitting in a rocking chair, a mug of tea in her hands. She was one elder in the village and she had welcomed Carson into her home the moment the knights had arrived. “There is a viewing scope there, one scholar who came during the last festival left. Such a strange thing, but the children enjoy it. You should go see the lights.”
Carson simply nodded before he headed for the hill. The children were already taking turns looking through the device, giggling and laughing as they exchanged stories of what they saw. Some claiming to have seen magical beings, and some saying they were fey. Wings spreading wide and spreading fresh embers on the ground. Carson waited his turn in the line, the children’s stories turning more and more childish as they went.
When his turn finally came, he hesitated for a moment. The children had all dashed down the hill, leaving him alone with the looking scope. The device was strange to him and yet marvelous as well. He wished he had time to look at it now, but there would be time in the morning. Instead, he bent down and stared through the glass, not knowing what he would see.
What sight greeted him made his heart sputter in his chest. The shining lights that were shown throughout all of Sanctum Reach weren’t the fey creatures the children had seen, nor were they the fiery blazes that the older generation seemed to remember either. What Carson Faraday saw was a flying being unlike anything he had ever seen.
Spanning the whole scope’s lens, was a serpentine creature. Instead of where scales would have normally adorned the serpent’s body, were feathers that seemed to reflect the moon’s light, casting a rainbow glow against the falling rocks that were in fact the shining Lights the whole festival was viewing. The creature should have been able to circle the entire planet as it flew, and as Carson watched, it did. The multiple tails flipped and swayed as the beast flew in the sky. Avoiding the falling rocks and casting its light upon them, making them shine brighter.
He was at a loss for words as he pulled back to stare up at the sky and the creature that he could not see with his normal eyes. All he could see were the shining rocks that were falling to the planet, nothing of the creature. It was like its belly blended in with the deep blackness of the night sky. An endless blackness of scales that shinned like stars. When he looked back through the scope, he was right. The underbelly of the beast was indeed black as night. He choked up a cry as he continued to view the beast. Marveled at the fantastic thing he was seeing.
Carson stayed on the hill watching the beast until the night faded away. With it the beast seemed to shimmer out of existence. The daylight being unable to keep the beast’s majestic form within the sky. He wanted to know if the beast would return the following night, but he also wanted to know if anyone else had ever seen the creature before. So, with the dawn upon him, he started back down the hill. He stopped when he noticed a figure standing there, leaning against a cane.
“You saw Anos, didn’t you?” The old woman smiled up at him before giving him a friendly laugh. Carson was speechless as he nodded. “They are always there. Flying around the sky. My grandmother used to say they were the only thing stopping those stones from destroying Sanctum Reach. Instead of affecting the planet, they grace of their body, catching fire and burning to ash before they can harm anything. They are our savior. So few have seen them. So few believe.” She sighed sadly as she looked back up to the dawn sky, and the glittering light that seemed to be reflect of the clouds. Carson knew now that it wasn’t the clouds it was reflecting off.
“They will believe. They will all believe. The Sightless Knights will remember Anos’ light.” He placed a hand over his heart and bowed to the old woman. She gave him an enormous smile and nodded.
“I know.” Carson couldn’t help wonder by the way her eyes seemed to shine in a rainbow of colors if maybe there was more to the elderly lady than met the eye. But he couldn’t get those answers in that moment as his knights were approaching them. It drew his attention to them, and he lost sight of the elderly woman.
When the knights rounded up to leave the following afternoon, Carson went to see if he could find the woman who so kindly put them up in her home. But when asked about her, none of the villagers seemed to know who he was speaking about. The only one who seemed to remember anyone of her description was a young blind girl, who told Carson that a melody came on the wind some days to speak to her. That melody sang a song of a great protector. This story shocked Carson, but he also believed it.
He looked up at the sky as they left the small village. Vowing that, he would tell everyone of the great protector that watches over them all.
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Hi again,
I promised you some crit so I am back to read and make notes. Please don't be nervous about posting your work on Reedsy, its a generally very supportive community and it's very brave to share your work at all, so you've already taken a massive step.
Before I start to write any crit I would just say that I only ever intend my comments to helpful and constructive. Personally I find the most helpful critiques to be the ones where I am given ideas of how to improve, so that is how I try to write crit for others. If you don't agree with anything I say feel free to ignore it completely. If you would like to exchange ideas please feel free to read and critique any of my stories, I always appreciate feedback of any kind.
So... here goes:
Your opening sets a lovely scene and brings to life the idea of a celebration of some kind. I would suggest a couple of things to make it jump off the page even more:
The party started softly; in each home along the river, they lit their fires and (started) their music, filling the small village with light and sound. Slowly, as the moon rose (in the sky above), the (sounds and lights) from the village grew. Louder and louder, the merriment (sounded), filling the evening skies with (laughing) and joyful singing. This was a celebration that only happened once in a lifetime, and not a single soul in all of Sanctum Reach would (have missed) it.
Looking at the words in brackets:
'started' is a repetition - could you swap it for 'played'?
'in the sky above' is redundant because the reader knows that is where the moon rises, so you could cut this to tighten the line.
'sounds and lights' these words are repeated from the line above and it can cause a bit of distraction. Can you rework to remove the repetition? Maybe swap out for words the give a more concrete idea of what the sounds are and paint a more specific picture? Perhaps 'trumpets and candles' or 'drums and lanterns' or whatever you feel fits.
'sounded' is a filter - it is a way to force the reader to experience the scene through the senses of another, usually a specific character, but here it is used more generally. When you do this you add a layer of distance between the reader and the scene. By cutting filters you bring the reader into the story as if they were there. You could do this here with something like:
Louder and louder, the merriment filled the evening skies with . . .
(laughing) and joyful singing. - I could be wrong but it feels like this should read 'laughter and joyful singing'.
This was a celebration that only happened once in a lifetime, and not a single soul in all of Sanctum Reach would (have missed) it. - You are using a different tense here from at the start of the paragraph - I think for consistency you need to use 'would miss it'.
With the Festival of Shinning Skies upon them, - I think this should be 'Shining'.
This next paragraph sets out the important traits of the knights but it could be cut down to reduce redundancy, make it tighter, and leave a little for the reader to extrapolate on their own:
Everyone knew them as the Sightless Knights, not because they couldn’t see. No. All of them had their sight. Everyone knew the Sightless Knights because they saw no color or creed when they helped. No matter who you were, where you were born, they would offer you a helping hand. The knights cared nothing for a person’s appearance, only that they breathed. They cared for all life equally, and they wished to see the rest of Sanctum Reach see life the same as they do, by spreading their hope and dreams with the world.
Also you have a repetition of 'care' - can you swap for another word? And another switch of tense at the end of the paragraph (see brackets below).
Maybe something like:
Everyone knew them as the Sightless Knights. They saw no color or creed when they helped. The knights cared nothing for a person’s appearance, only that they breathed. They cared (repetition) for all life equally, and they wished to see the rest of Sanctum Reach see life the same as they do (did), by spreading their hope and dreams with the world.
This next line sets the scene further and adds to the atmosphere, you could cut the redundancy here and tighten the line if you wanted to:
The small village was called Wingston, a little hamlet of a village along the Elmtry Rill. They had very little, but the people had a hope that drew the Sightless Knights to the place to set up for the festival.
The hamlet of Wingston lay along the Elmtry Rill. They had very little, but the people had a hope that drew the Sightless Knights to the place to set up for the festival.
This line could be tightened up as well:
He stepped out into the night just in time to see the first lights falling, turning his head to the north, to stare up at the falling lights and marvel at them. He had never seen such a sight before, as the last time such an event had happened, he had not even been a thought yet in his mother’s mind.
He stepped out into the night. Turning his head to the north, he marvelled at the falling lights. The last time such an event had happened, he had not even been a thought in his mother’s mind.
The reader will work out that he hasn't seen them before as they had not happened since before he was born - readers tend to like to fill in the gaps for themselves, rather than having every detail spelled out for them.
You could also cut a little redundancy from this section:
“You can see them better from the hill.” An older woman was sitting in a rocking chair, a mug of tea in her hands. She was one elder in the village and she had welcomed Carson into her home the moment the knights had arrived. “There is a viewing scope there, one scholar who came during the last festival left. Such a strange thing, but the children enjoy it. You should go see the lights.”
Maybe something like this:
“You can see them better from the hill.” A village elder was sitting in a rocking chair, a mug of tea in her hands. She had welcomed Carson into her home the moment the knights had arrived. “There's a viewing scope there, one scholar who came during the last festival left. Such a strange thing, but the children enjoy it.”
Wings spreading wide and spreading fresh embers on the ground. Carson waited his turn in the line, the children’s stories turning more and more childish as they went. - I'm not sure where the wings and embers have come from? Does Carson have wings? I'd be tempted to add that detail right at the start when you introduce him. And I don't understand the embers - are his wings on fire? Again - if they are, this is important imagery to get in right at the start to set the character up. Also - flaming wings are pretty cool - you could do a lot with the imagery of them and use it a way to showcase your descriptive skills.
When his turn (finally) came, he hesitated (for a moment). The children had all dashed down the hill, leaving him alone with the looking scope. The device was strange (to him) and (yet) marvelous (as well). He wished he had time to look at it now, but there would be time in the morning. Instead, he bent down and stared through the glass(, not knowing what he would see).
I'd cut the bits in brackets in the section above to tighten it up. 'finally' is an adverb and they tend to be frowned upon unless really necessary. I never used to agree with this rule but I'm coming round to it more and more the more I try to cut them out - though I can never get rid of all of them in my own writing I do think reducing them improves the quality. Where possible, the advice is to swap them for a stronger verb to set a more specific scene. So, for example, instead of saying 'he walked slowly' you would say 'he crept' or 'he shuffled' or 'he limped'. Each one paints a different picture and each one is much more specific than 'he walked slowly'. The other brackets above are redundant - for example; we can get the sense from the rest of the story that he doesn't know what he will see - you don't have to say it.
If you wanted to make the description of the scope more specific and set the scene even further, the section above is your opportunity. Instead of describing it as strange and marvellous you could say what it looks like - what is it made of? bone? metal? wood? ivory? star fragments? does he even recognise the material? perhaps it has an ethereal glow, or maybe it shudders at his touch? If you can explain why it is strange and marvellous then you don't have to use the words 'strange and marvellous'. The reader will get the feeling from your descriptions and they will understand more about the telescope and the situation.
What sight greeted him made his heart sputter in his chest. - I think this would read more smoothly as 'The sight that greeted...' But I really like the use of the word 'sputter' here.
What Carson Faraday saw was a flying being unlike anything he had ever seen. - I think you could cut this line and let the following paragraph set the scene.
This next paragraph shows great imagination on your part and really drew me in to the imagery:
Spanning the whole scope’s lens, was a serpentine creature. (Instead of where scales would have normally adorned the serpent’s body, were feathers that seemed to reflect the moon’s light, casting a rainbow glow against the falling rocks that were in fact the shining Lights the whole festival was viewing.) The creature should have been able to circle the entire planet as it flew, and as Carson watched, it did. The multiple tails flipped and swayed as the beast flew (in the sky). Avoiding the falling rocks and casting its light upon them, making them shine brighter.
The first section in brackets is a little hard to parse and a very long sentence. I might rework it for clarity - something like this:
Instead of snakelike scales, the creature had feathers that reflected the moonlight, casting a rainbow glow against the falling rocks; the shining Lights the whole festival was viewing.
This section is also slightly confusing for me:
The creature should have been able to circle the entire planet as it flew, and as Carson watched, it did. - I'm not sure which planet the creature is circling and I'm not sure about the structure of the line - you probably don't need the first part about what it should have been able to do - as you later go on to say that it does do that. I'd be tempted to simplify this a little:
The creature circled the entire planet as Carson watched. - But this still doesn't clarify which planet. Do you mean the moon? Maybe: The creature circled the entire moon as Carson watched.
This next section is really nice. It demonstrates what the telescope is doing and reminds the reader that something really special is happening out of view of the naked eye.
He was at a loss for words as he pulled back to stare up at the sky and the creature that he could not see with his normal (naked) eyes. All he could see were the shining rocks (that were) falling to the planet, nothing of the creature. (It was like) Its belly blended in with the deep blackness of the night sky. An endless blackness of scales that shinned (shone) like stars. When he looked back through the scope, he was right. The underbelly of the beast was (indeed) black as night. He choked up a cry as he continued to (marvel at the beast)(view the beast. Marveled at the fantastic thing he was seeing).
I'd be tempted to cut / exchange the bits in brackets to simplify this a little.
With it the beast seemed to shimmer out of existence. - What a beautiful image.
He stopped when he noticed a figure (standing there,) leaning against a cane. - You could cut the brackets.
Instead of affecting the planet, they grace of their body, catching fire and burning to ash before they can harm anything. - 'they grace of their body' doesn't quite make sense to me. I'm not really sure what this line means.
Overall I really like the story and the magical ideas and images it put in my mind. I like the idea of a mysterious elder who no one knows and perhaps is some kind of guardian herself - perhaps she is even the snake creature? It raised a few questions for me that kept me wondering after the story had finished and I like that effect - it's very clever to keep a reader thinking after they have finished reading.
I really like the idea of Knights who just want to protect everyone - what lovely world to create, where people like that exist.
I have really enjoyed reading this, thank you for posting it. Please don't feel nervous about sharing your work here, it seems you have a lot to say with your stories and this one certainly, was a pleasure to read.
As I say - I only intend my notes to be useful - please don't be concerned that I have a lot to say - I usually do :-)
If you would like to leave any feedback on any of my stories - even if you don't like them - I be grateful for your thoughts. Please be honest.
I'd better be off now - wishing you all the best! And a warm welcome to Reedsy!
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This was all fantastic and a great learning experience. Thank you so much for the time and effort you put in and I'm making the edits to the story that you suggested.
I can honestly say that I've never been more overjoyed at having someone look at a piece of my work before this, but I actually cried. You were so kind, even with the honesty.
Thank you again! I really do appreciate it!
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Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it and I'm so happy to hear that my crit was useful and came across as I had hoped. I do hope you continue to write here and gain a lot from the experience. Wishing you all the very best 💞
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Hi There,
I got this story in critique circle - if you would like me to read it an offer some crit I would be happy to do so - please let me know by replying to this comment. Best, Katharine
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I would love to have the crit, please. It's the first story I've posted on this site and I'm still nervous about my writing.
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