The Spoon Dirtbag

Alert alert alert, Poussey Lexa Martin’s phone blurted out, it was an urgent message from her boss telling her to come to his office ASAP and to check the news. She typed back a reply then turned the main news channel on. “Someone has been spotted on the top of the Brooklyn bridge with a giant spoon,” was written on the headlines of a reporter standing on the side of the Brooklyn bridge. Poussey was really confused that she didn’t even hear what the reporter was saying, “the mysterious person with a giant spoon just stated that the world is about to end.” Poussey was shocked. ‘The world is about to end???’ she thought to herself. Then the news channel suddenly cut off.

The world is about to end??? Poussey kept replaying those words in her mind, what did the man mean? And why did the news suddenly stop??? Poussey got into her car and started to drive on her usual route towards her workplace, the Pentagon. Poussey was a navy seal before she had an accident that caused her to have a bad knee. Poussey then became part of the United States Air Force which paid better and let her do a lot of sitting. 

She arrived at the Pentagon, passed all the security checks, and found that everyone was in a frenzy. “What’s going on??” Poussey asked a man who was rushing by, “The mysterious person with the giant spoon has caused the Brooklyn bridge to collapse and is going around the city slowly collapsing buildings!!! This is a level 3 emergency!!!” The man continued on. Poussey walked to the elevator, dodging all the people who were running around, and rode it up to floor 4. She knocked on a door labeled ‘Bossy Boss’ and stuck her head through the door. “Hey Bossman, you called. Do you know what’s going on downstairs?” “Yes, where the heck have you been! There is a psycho on the loose! I need you to get on the ground as quick as you can and negotiate!!!” “What me?? What about the other actual trained negotiators??” “I already sent all that were free and they are all unresponsive!!!” Bossman sighed deeply and stopped pacing the room, “You have had some experience with the navy right? They always teach a crash course in negotiation, and you are one of the highest level pilots and operation intelligence military Airmen! Heck, you convinced me to give you a raise like 10 times! So, I need you to fly down to the Spoon Dirtbag Bandit dude and convince him not to destroy our city!!!” Poussey sat down on the couch that was in front of Bossman’s desk, ‘Me? I mean it totally makes sense, but me??’ she thought to herself before saying, “I’ll do it but you have to promise me one thing, that you will give me a raise.” Poussey and Bossman both grinned, “Sure why not!” he told her. “Hey, I’m just kidding, man! But I need the latest military helicopter that we have on-site.” “Get to the roof, I got you covered.”

Poussey ran to her office, grabbed her emergency bag filled to the brim with medical supplies, weapons, and granola bars. ‘Gotta make sure I’m not hungry.’ She then ran to the elevator and rode up to the roof after swiping her pass to get her clearance. “The chopper is ready ma’am!” The man in a lookout tower told her over the loudspeaker. Poussey gave him a thumbs up and climbed into the helicopter’s cabin. Poussey made sure that the helicopter was ready to lift off then set off towards Central Park, the last place that the Spoon Dirtbag was. ‘Let’s hope that this all goes down well.’

In just a few minutes, Poussey was hovering over Central Park. ‘Where is he??’ She went a bit lower and saw that there was a giant spoon glistening at the far end of the lake. ‘This is it.’ Poussey landed on a grassy lawn near the lake and got out. “Who’s tinfoil helicopter is this??” a voice screamed over the sound of the helicopter blades turning off. Poussey walked around to the other side of the helicopter and said, “Mine.” “Who are you? And don’t take a step closer or you will feel the wrath of my giant spoon.” “Ok, chill, I just came on behalf of the United States.” “I don’t fricking care about the United States after they elected Loe Trident instead of re-electing Ronald Lump! That’s why I’m destroying this city! Washington D.C. is next!” “Wait, slow down, I’m a Lump supporter, and how exactly are you destroying the city?” Obviously, Poussey wasn’t a Lump supporter, she believed that Trident would be a much better president, but she wanted the Spoon Dirtbag to not suddenly become angry and diminish her on the spot. “That’s what all the other government people said before I destroyed them, I love destroying people.” the Spoon Dirtbag patted the giant spoon, “Also, why not tell you how my spoon works, imma destroy you anyways.” “I think the first part was a better idea.” The Spoon Dirtbag ignored her and continued, “I grew up thinking that I could not achieve anything, but then I grew captivated with science and made many private breakthroughs in technological science. When I heard that president Lump will be thrown out of the Whitehouse, I dedicated my time to making a giant spoon that holds a lot of targeted energy that can explode whatever it comes into contact with. I knew that it would come to use because my dear president Lump was losing all of his supporters and America is going downhill so fast. I needed to avenge him!” “But why destroy the city?” Poussey asked. “Because that’s the only way an evil scientific genius like me can get back at the city.” “Ummmm, there are lots of other things you could do instead of inventing a giant spoon.” “Like what? Huh? It’s hard to think of special things to make.” “I guess you aren’t really a genius,” Poussey muttered under her breath. “Well, this is the end of the road for you.” The Spoon Dirtbag lifted his spoon and tilted it towards Poussey. 

Poussey whipped out her pistol and shot the Spoon Dirtbag right in the middle of his chest then ran to the helicopter and lifted off. The Spoon Dirtbag sat up and shouted, “Do you really think I’m that dumb? I have common sense if I’m breaking the law I’m obviously going to wear a bulletproof vest!” The Spoon Dirtbag tilted the giant spoon toward the helicopter, charged it up, then fired. Poussey wasn’t panicked, she was the best in the business after all. She skirted sharp to the right and headed back to the Pentagon. “Hey, Bossman, fire away.” She radioed. 

“Today the government apprehended the Spoon Dirtbag, named by the Bossman, Richard Harold, at the Pentagon. Apparently, the Spoon Dirtbag is a Lump supporter that’s why…” Poussey turned away from the TV and looked out the window. ‘Alls well that ends well.’ Alert, alert, alert, Pousay turned back to the TV. “China just got hit with a massive electric attack, they are firing nuclear weapons at us, EVERYONE HIDE!” ‘Oh to the no! The electric attack must be the burst of electricity that the Spoon Dirtbag shot towards me!’ Poussey got up, changed her mind, and sat down again. ‘There is nothing I can do to stop nuclear bombs, and everyone knows that the world was bound to end anyways.’ She turned towards the window where a Flying Bomb was flying towards the Pentagon.