Good Cop, Bad Cop, Hungry Giant

Honestly, why am I here? Humans really are so thick, aren't they? If I absolutely must spell it out for you then at least bring me a cup of tea. Milk, one sugar. Excellent. No keep the saucer, I'm not that dainty, goodness.

Can I ask why we’re meeting on a school oval? Oh I wouldn't fit in your interrogation rooms? What do you need, more government funding? Sitting on the ground is a bit primitive, isn’t it? Alright calm down, relax. My word, you’re the fiesty one, I can tell.

Yes, let me share my side, please. Sit down, your pressuring me to talk is getting on my nerves.

So, in my defence when our snacks are sent up the stalk by catering it is usually around the time that boy—what was his name? Phillip? Roger?...oh Jack. Usually catering sends up our snacks around the time he climbed up, so you have to think from my perspective for a minute here! I'm a giant, he was a snack, it was morning tea, and he started running! Of course I'm going to run after my food. I've paid for it within my rent. That’s the arrangement we have on this cloud system. Your own private cloud, rainbows after storms and all meals provided. We have to share a bathroom and laundry, I don't love that but Martha down the way is finally learning when I prefer to use the washing machine…

Yes, yes, back to the arrival of Roger, JACK. I meant Jack. The little man.

He pulls himself up onto my cloud, flounders around, refuses to let me eat him (very against catering’s policy) and proceeds to run away. I realise I need to grab him as lunch is still two hours from now and I really do need to keep my strength up, so I pursue.

Yes, you can run on clouds.

No you don’t fall through.

Have you ever heard of magic?

Honestly, does this one know anything about giants? Or are you the only one who came prepared to this interrogation today?

My, my, my—take a seat sir. You really must do something about your temper, it is most unprofessional and detrimental to your health.

Take a breath, sir.

Are you ready for me to continue?

Yes, yes. I chased him to the top of the stalk he had arrived on and saw him climb down. I followed. I’m quite good at reverse climbing. I was a Reversing Champion back in my younger years, you know. I almost made it to the international championships but I had a bad knee that held me back from competition.

Anyway.

Then I heard the sound of the axe. I looked down and the poor little fellow looked like he’d never lifted an axe above his knees before. To his credit he persisted, and none of us would be here enjoying this special time together if he hadn't succeeded. 

Of course the stalk begins to waver and I’m too far down to make it back to my cloud in time so I hold on and hope for the best.

Yes, I held on.

Yes, I fell with it.

No it didn't kill me.

Honestly, did you think about that before you said it? Heavens above and below. Clearly I am not dead.

No, just a concussion.

The fairy godmother.

The fairy godmother.

The fairy godmother you twit! 

Yes she works for us now, hired her for our cloud and the clouds between here and where the three pigs are living currently. She gave us a fair price, quoted better than the rest and she works Sundays too.

She retrained as a nurse, you know, career change. Hated waiting on people.

Well waiting around for Cinderella doesn't pay her dental bills, now does it!? Easy for you to say, Mr Consistent Salary.

But in answer to your question: yes she watched over my recovery and I returned to my cloud later than week. Believe me I kept a close eye on my food after that! I sent a message to catering to ensure all food fit for consumption is tagged with a ribbon, you know. Colour coded. Haven't had any problems since. Excellent new system.

No, I don't plan on coming down from my cloud ever again. I didn't even want to come here today, you interrupted my card game with my neighbour. She's frightfully upset with me, and I was very close to winning.

Well, frankly, your distrust of giant kind is very unbecoming. We are a gentle species, quite tame, and we like the quiet life. We are no murderers.

Well, I do hope you speak with the village because I have no interest in being disturbed. They really ought to look after their young ones better.

Why?

Why must I write Jack a letter? 

Surely he should write one to me? I was wronged here, I'm the victim.

Well that is pure nonsense! I refuse!

No, he interrupted me. He trespassed!

Oh because he's a minor he gets away with it?! Disgusting. Disgraceful.

Take your letter, scrunch it up, light it on fire and fling it to the stars. I'm not writing one.

What was that?

His mother is here?

Oh goodness, keep her away!

Fine! Fine. I'll write him a letter, just don’t bring the mother over here. Lord knows I've had enough of this matter without involving the poor child's mother.

Pass me a pen and paper.

Got anything bigger?

No.

Right.

Well, how am I supposed to write this letter if you give me a pen the size of an ant and a piece of paper that may as well be a speck of dust?

Yes, get something bigger! 

Honestly, you’re the only one who remembered their brains today. How do you work with him? He’s useless!

Oh I spoke too soon, little policeman came through! You’re keeping your job…for now.

Yes this should do.

Dear Jack,

I’m sorry you’re an idiot who decided…

Oh alright.

Dear Jack,

My sincerest apologies for scaring you the other day. My deepest condolences for the confusion. You are not a snack and I shan’t chase you down again.

Yours faithfully,

Giant

Done. Can I go now?

No I will not give you an autograph!