Three Dog Days in Hades

It was dark and gloomy. The river flowed almost silently, silver showing up the ripples on its inky surface. There was no sign of the ferryman. Alpha scratched behind his ear. Was that a flea or just one of the serpents moving around? “It’s getting dull here. No one is escaping, no one is trying to get in. How about we play a game?”

Gamma yawned loudly. “We already played ‘Fetch sticks from the Styx’ this morning. I could use a nap.” Gamma sounded like a gangster character from London.

The middle head, Beta, growled quietly. “I want to eat something – or someone. There has to be someone trying to get in or out. Maybe we could bark and someone would come.”

The heads all barked and howled for a few minutes. Nothing changed.

“I hate the Styx,” offered Beta, “it’s so boring here.”

“Supposed to hate it,” replied Gamma, “it’s the river of hatred.” He laughed at his own joke. The other two glared at him.

Alpha sighed. “Let’s do a walk around the perimeter, check for escape routes. That would be some good guard-dogging.”

Beta’s ears pricked up. “We could take a run in the Elysian Fields. Maybe the boss and his wife will play with us. The dead people are no fun to play with.” If Beta had his choice, he would have been a golden retriever. Sadly, he had the instincts of a bull terrier.

“Honeycakes!” said Gamma. “The dead bring us honeycakes when they arrive.”

Beta quirked an eyebrow at him. “But they only arrive once. No more honeycakes after that first one.”

Alpha was the deep thinker. He liked to think of himself as a border collie. “Hold on,” he said, “I may have a plan.”

The three heads spent the rest of the afternoon in deep discussion. Viewed as one animal, Cerberus was a handsome dog. Rather like a Rottweiler, but with a tail like a snake, and a mane of snakes around each head. Hades and Persephone looked after him well, but although they were gods, they had only a human’s understanding of a dog’s needs. Cerberus had not been neutered, of course, but neither did he ever see any other dogs, which was a “bone” of contention. He stood guard all day, every day. There was not much else to do. Sharing a body presented some unique problems. Beta wanted to hunt. Alpha wanted to play. Gamma wanted to eat and sleep. They really didn’t like each other very much.

The next day, Cerberus was up early. He waited eagerly for Hades to put out his three dog-bowls of food, jumping to greet him and lick his face. Persephone was above ground again, due to some contract Cerberus didn’t understand. After a hearty breakfast, he went and drank water from the Styx and set off to the Fields of Asphodel to locate his first test subject.

As far as the eye could see, the souls of the dead wandered around. They didn’t appear to have anything to do. They were in fact the least interesting of the shades in this world. Not good enough for Elysium, not evil enough for Tartarus. Nobody would miss a few of them.

Cerberus lay in the long grass, surveying the herd. “That one over there,” noted Beta, “has been walking in circles for the last half hour. We could easily separate him from the rest.”

“Getting ‘im to walk in a straight line’ll be a challenge,” muttered Gamma with a contemptuous sniff.

Alpha drew back his lips, showing a dangerous set of teeth. “Let’s get him. Just herd him straight to Lethe so he forgets how he got there.”

Alpha took charge, using his border collie skills to edge the disoriented soul away from the fields and toward the dark of Erebus. Each time the soul tried to wander in a different direction, Cerberus ran to cut him off and stared at him until he backed away. Eventually they arrived at the pool of Lethe. The soul seemed compelled by some unseen force to drink from the waters.

Beta yawned. “My turn!” he said as he stalked threateningly to confront the shade. Cerberus snarled and charged, and his victim turned and ran back at full speed until he reached the river Styx.

“Phase 2 complete,” said Alpha confidently. “Now we need to get Charon over here. You’re up, Gamma.”

Gamma howled and whined while the others kept an eye – four eyes – on their prey. After half an hour, the ferry arrived silently. It was a small raft piloted by a somber looking man with a droopy mustache, wearing a dingy raincoat.

“What’s up, Cerb?” asked Charon. “Got something in your paw again?”

“Did you bring treats?” asked Gamma hopefully.

Before Charon could reply, Beta snapped at Gamma, and Alpha spoke up.

“New rules from the judges. We’re sending back a few who came here in error. Here’s the first. Just dump him back on the other side of the river and let him find his own way home. Their memories will all have been wiped at Lethe, so they shouldn’t be any trouble.”

“Seems a lot of trouble for nothing,” grumbled Charon, “he’ll be back soon enough. Why not just leave him here for a few days, then take him back to the judges?”

Gamma smirked. “You gonna turn down the chance of a second fee when ‘e comes back?”

Charon and Gamma stared at each other for a moment. Then Charon slowly grinned. “Well, since you put it that way… New rules, huh? Oi, Mate! Get on the ferry. We’ll be leaving soon.”

The confused shade looked around, saw the ferry, and stumbled toward it.

“Bring us a treat next time, eh?” said Gamma. The ferryman just gave him a rough salute, and the ferry disappeared into the mist.

“That was easy,” said Beta eagerly, licking his chops. “We could do a few more today.”

Alpha looked out in the direction the ferry had taken. “No, we need to work out the bugs first. If too many go missing at once, someone’s bound to smell a rat.”

The others accepted that Alpha was the brains of the outfit. If he said wait, they would wait.

Gamma huffed. “Still, extra honeycakes from the punters when they come back and treats from Charon on pickup. Sounds like good business.”

“And we get to chase the bastards. Did you see how scared he was?” Beta was still reliving the highlights of the operation.

Two days later, Charon delivered their lost soul back again. He showed them the coin he had received, and the soul gave Cerberus a honeycake.

“Good job,” said Alpha. Gamma met Charon’s stare and nodded slowly.

Charon started to take the ferry back, calling out “Just call me when you have another one.”

The shade staggered through the gate, mystified as though he had never seen it before. Cerberus guided him back to the pool of Lethe, and then to the fields of Asphodel. Taking him back to the judges for a second judging would blow the whole plan apart. Rhadamanthus had a reputation for inflexibility, and Minos for extreme cruelty. There would surely be consequences if the judges found out about the scheme.

Once the shade was wandering around the meadow again, Cerberus stopped for a brief celebration. He rolled in the meadow and then took a quick nap. One pair of eyes was always on watch in case a legitimate shade came to the gate. For safety’s sake, those eyes always belonged to Alpha or Beta; Gamma was too easily distracted or lulled to sleep.

Finally, Gamma stirred. “Got one.”

“Where?” asked Beta, who was currently on watch.

“Over there. Keeps walking a straight line, from one side of the meadow to the other. Never stops to acknowledge anyone else.” Gamma was always good at spotting potential marks.

Beta growled deep in his throat to wake Alpha. “We’re on again. Time for you to separate that one from the herd.” He nodded toward the shade who was currently walking in their general direction.

Alpha squinted, then nodded his approval. As soon as the lost soul was within a few feet, Cerberus shifted to the side to start herding him away. Unsurprisingly, the soul didn’t respond to being blocked and almost fell over the dog. Alpha nipped at his heels to get him moving in the right direction. The border collie stare was not enough for this one, so Alpha chose violence. It worked, and the soul dutifully went and drank the waters of Lethe.

As before, Beta chased the terrified and newly amnesiac shade back to the river Styx, and Gamma summoned Charon. The ferryman was there in just a few minutes.

“Treats?” asked Gamma sternly.

The ferryman grunted and produced a handful of liver treats from the recesses of a pocket in his raincoat. Cerberus was not fussy about how and where they had been stored – it all added to the flavor. After shoving each other out of the way and eating the treats, the heads nodded in satisfaction. “’E’s all yours. Good doing business with you.” Gamma spoke for the group, and Charon guided the soul on to the ferry.

Cerberus lay down by the gate for a nap. Honeycake and treats. It had been a good day so far.