Life After Midnight

Pennywise: Hello and welcome to Life After Midnight! I am your all-time favourite clown - Pennywise, and today we are interviewing a fellow colleague of mine - Freddie Krueger. Mister Krueger, you wrote a very strongly opinionated letter to us, asking us to invite you to our show - would you care to share it with our lovely audience?

Freddie Krueger: Oh, I care, alright? Sure I care! Because this can not continue in that manner! This is completely outrageous and I am even shocked that there are not more people, and creatures, of course, which are not fighting for the cause!’

Pennywise: Of course, mister Krueger, but would you like to elaborate a bit more on the topic, since it was proven to us that you possess a rather significant knowledge on the matter?

Freddie Krueger: Pennywise, I want to give my message directly to the kids! Can I speak directly to the kids?

Pennywise: Go ahead, mister Krueger, we live in a free, democratic country! Besides, this show is being streamed on Nightmare Channel 2, each day from 00:00 EST time, don’t miss it! (Mr. Pennywise winks at the audience; audience laughs)

Freddie Krueger: Hey, kids! You remember the fairytales you read and heard when you were small, don’t you? About the evil witch from SnowWhite and the poisoned apple? Or Maleficent who put a princess to sleep? And the good ones, of course, like the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus? Well, let me tell you that Grimhilde makes a mean apple pie and Maleficent is helping with my anxiety for the past 300 years with her potions! 

Pennywise: But, Mister Krueger, why do you have anxiety in the first place? (audience gasps and is being concerned) 

Freddie Krueger: Well let me tell you why I have anxiety, Pennywise! Let me tell you! We, the so-called villains, are so deeply misunderstood. Take yourself, for example! All these years being chased and for what? When they left you alone and you got away from that cursed town Derry, you actually proved yourself to be extremely funny! And there is a reason that you are called the Dancing Clown, ain’t there, Pennywise? 

Pennywise: Well, I did win three sequent years of ‘’Dancing with the Evils’’’. (Mr. Pennywise chuckles; audience laughs approvingly, proving that he is, indeed, a very funny and talented clown)

Freddie Krueger: And Grimhilde! She is such an amazing woman! She just mixed the powdered sugar with the rat poison! It's normal, she is old, her vision is getting blurry.. No reason to be banished for so long! (audience nodding and murmuring approvingly) And Maleficent! Well let me tell you, mister Krueger, that this girl had absolutely no job touching that spindle, alright! (Mr. Krueger crosses his hands over his chest; audience nodding and murmuring approvingly again) And don’t let me start on my case! 

Pennywise: Why, mister Krueger, by any means, please do start on your case. 

Freddie Krueger: Well, lemme tell you how I function, Pennywise. As many of you may know, I eat nightmares to survive. And I must tell you, it has proven to be an amazing diet - nightmares are extremely low calorie whilst they have incredible nutrition.. But we’re not here to discuss recipes, no. We’re here to discuss injustice! (Mr. Krueger raises fist in air angirly; audience does too) 

    Now, as we established, I need nightmares to survive. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that! But people somehow began to think that I also create them, which is just preposterous! I just take them away from little children’s heads, sometimes put a little lemon on them, sometimes a pinch of saffron, and I have a decent meal! I haven’t caused anything! (audience is making supporting noises)

    I come to your head, I take away the nightmares - mind you, I work not only with children, there are adults too which need my services, I help them wake up, leave the past behind and continue with their day, and what do I get? What do I get? Screams. 

    Santa comes into your homes, monitors all your actions, decides if you’ve been good or bad and he gets milk and cookies! And for me? For me? Screams! 

    This is absurd. And absolutely unfair! You know, kids, when you have a nasty dream, but you wake up and you don’t remember anything, and you smelled your mom’s homemade breakfast sugar filled cinnamon rolls for that cool Sunday breakfast? Who do you think removed that nightmare from your head, eh? The Tooth fairy? No, she only trades your teeth for money. (audience booing disapprovingly, hopefully to the Tooth fairy; Ms. Tooth fairy, who happens to be in the audience, is texting her lawyer) 

    Teeth for money, kids. You are literally selling your bones to a small pixie who comes unnoticed and unannounced in your homes whenever she pleases and is collecting your bones. But, sure, I am the scary and sketchy one. (audience booing disapprovingly, probably towards the kids) 

Pennywise: Mister Krueger, that is really an interesting and fair point of view. But why do you think that you are being seen as scary?

Freddie Krueger: Well, for the record, I believe that I am not scary. I am just ugly. It’s the way I was created and I don’t know what life you are leading, Pennywise, but you sure know that most of us, immortal night-beings, are definitely not making bank and we can not afford a plastic surgeon. That’s a stereotype that you have from Hollywood and its mostly applicable towards vampires. (audience is hm-ing approvingly)

Pennywise: Hollywood has a huge influence, doesn’t it? 

Freddie Krueger: The hell it does! (Mr. Krueger is getting visibly aggravated) Take the girl from The Ring, for example! Samara is actually a very nice girl with a huge knowledge on wells, she is also great at canasta, she is just living underwater! How do you think that you would look like if you were living underwater, eh? With no access to a hairdresser? 

    But I really don’t want to talk about Hollywood too much, Pennywise. It gets me all political, and Mrs. Krueger gets worried when I am political, and she is a lovely woman, and I really don’t want to worry her. (Mr. Krueger stops being visibly aggravated) 

Pennywise: Ah, Mrs. Krueger? I didn’t know that there is a Mrs. Krueger. (Mr. Pennywise is getting interested; audience is hoo-ing in synchron) 

Freddie Krueger: Ah, I’m talking about my mother, of course - I am yet to find a wife. Although I plan on asking Samara on a date, heh. (Mr. Krueger blushes; audience is howling) 

    But I’m getting distracted from my point. And it is actually very simple: 

1. Consider whether or not its a good idea to sell your bones to strangers. 

2. He is monitoring your every move and he keeps a huge database of your life. Are you sure that you want to give him access to your house so easily? 

3. I’m lactose intolerant, so if you swap the milk with root beer that would be great. 

4. The dreamcatchers make for a great floss, thank you for them!

Oh, and Pennywise, can I leave one last message for one really special kid? 

Pennywise: Oh, Mr. Krueger, by any means! 

Freddie Krueger: Well, Timmy, and yes, Timmy, you know who you are, please ask your mom to leave the recipe of that casserole you are constantly having nightmares about. It looks really amazing and I would like to try it. 

Pennywise: Well, Mr. Krueger, if he does give you the recipe, please do share!

Freddie Krueger: Oh, I sure will, Pennywise! 

(audience applauding and laughing; Mr. Pennywise is standing up and shaking Mr. Krueger’s hand) 

***

When Timmy woke up, he was feeling deeply confused. His dream started as a nightmare, but very soon after… All the monsters were doing a talk show, Freddie Krueger and Pennywise were leading it, and all the others were in the audience… 

    And he did smell his mother’s Sunday cinnamon rolls. He got up from the bed, with a big smile, and almost ran towards the kitchen. The day promised to be sunny, filled with morning cartoons and play dates in the park!

    Only this day, when he got to bed, he was going to leave a cup of apple juice and a few cookies under his bed. He didn’t have root beer, but he did hope that the card that he draw - big trees and a smiling sun, with a note inside, saying “Thank you, Mr. Krueger!” was going to be enough.