Jumping in

My nose is itchy. It's always itchy when I'm nervous. And I recognise the streak of prickly heat rushing from my stomach up to my heart, to my gut, as I stare down; sombre-faced, boggle-eyed, to the pending feat in front of me. Long skinny toes grasp tight around the edge of the rock in which I stand, and I notice that familiar internal tingle of imbalance that travels painfully up your calf when the soles of your feet have been up against an unstable surface for too long.

“This needs to get done soon.” I think to myself. And as by automated mechanism, my eyes travel to the next source of distraction, the glistening surface of the water below me.

“Does light travel in waves? So how come we say, 'ray of sunshine'…?” I keep going.

“Oh wait this totally looks like a ray. Maybe light doesn't actually travel in waves. Is that just UV light...? Wait! Microwaves emit UV rays, don't they…?”

“No! Stop. You're digressing again. Come back to it.” My eyes move down past my toes and ignore the sun rays, or waves, and focus on the challenge ahead.

“Why am I even doing this in the first place?” I have to stop doubting myself. This is a tiny thing, it’s just jumping in, that’s all I have to do. My toes are starting to ache from holding so tightly to the edge of the rock, yet I grasp even harder, to feel the tinge as it travels nicely from the tip of my toe to the sole of my naked foot, then my heel. And I press down even harder as I close my eyes to enjoy the calming heat travelling up my leg.

“Just jump in”, just a tiny, quick step forward and it will be over, “and you will be in the water and out in less than it takes you to decide on doing it.” I look around instinctively first, as if hoping someone is there to offer words of encouragement. There isn’t. I need to do this for myself. 

“You need to do this for yourself, Martha, you got this. The water is not that cold, and the lake is not that deep...” I shiver uncomfortably on top of the rock and look back to see no one again.

“This is some really deep dark water right here. Monsters hide in deep dark waters. Can I even see the bottom? I think that might be a rock. Or sand...? WHAT WAS THAT was that a fish??? I saw silver. Shark. These are shark infested waters, I knew it. This can happen… I bet years ago a few little sharks got in through a creek somehow - maybe somebody put them in. Yeah, that seems more plausible. Reason with yourself. NO, r e a s o n with yourself you idiot, there are no sharks, this is a lake. We have to jump. We? You're such a psycho.” I actually roll my eyes as if I’m not just thinking to myself and haven’t said a word aloud, which makes me even more concerned for my own sanity. 

“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re crazy.” Weird. That was not my voice playing in my head. “Don’t let anyone tell you you’re crazy.” That’s his voice. He’s here. 

“Of course he’s here idiot, he’s in your head.” But you’re in my head, I’m in my head. And you’re the only reason that I’m doing this.

“Am I?” He said, in my head.

“Aren’t you?” I said, and this time, I looked to my right, even though I knew no one was there, because he deserves to be in the real world with me, even if he’s not really.

He would want me to jump, he always said it, and flooding back came memories of him climbing up a terrifying vertical wall like it was not high enough for him, and him being the first to jump in the water, even when no one thought to jump after him. He didn’t care, he wasn’t waiting for anyone to jump after. He just jumped. 

“He just jumped.” I could just jump. I could just do anything.

Toes dancing up and down against the warm edge, “I can do this. I am powerful. I am woman. I'm about to collapse and die. If the shark doesn't eat me first.” I looked over and there he was, in his old red swimming shorts mum always hated him wearing, and he was ready to jump too. He glanced over and smirked, pulling his body back while his feet remained on the edge. Signalling for me to jump first. 

“He would never have done that. He would’ve never let you jump first. This isn’t him, it’s in your head, he’s not real.” His image quickly vanished in a beige and red smoke and there was nothing I could do about it.

“I hate you.” I know. I hate you too. I looked around again, just in case. No one.

“One...” My eyelids shut the sun out. 

“Two...whyamidoingthiswhyamidoingthiswhyamidoingthis - SCREW IT.”

“Three.” The cold envelops every inch of me. It travels around and through me and in me. I'm newly found. Fresh out of the box. 

“I bet this is how Buzz-Lightyear felt the first time he stepped out of his box.” My fingers wiggle, extending my arms even further out. My conscious sinks in the water as if there was no common or vulgar body separating it from the water, tarnishing me.

 “I'm free.” Don't dare open my eyes just yet though, in case killer teeth and a crushing jaw is all I see. It’s not. I wait. Under. As long as I can. Taking the silence in. Opening my eyes, taking the darkness and the cold in. Taking in how safe I feel, surrounded by my biggest fears, surrounded by nobody else but me. I’m slowly floating upwards so I release all the air in my lungs in a million bubbles flooding my calmness. 

“They look like jellyfish.” My own thought startles me and I push myself out, gasping for air as the strong rays of sun hit my face. I look around, no one saw me. My smile closes down on itself a little bit. I hadn’t even realised I was smiling, I think quietly to myself, as I surely swim back to shore, without looking back.