Deceiver

I remember the time I saw the face of God. It was after my accident, I was in my car underneath a dozen others, my face fusing with the asphalt road. I  don’t remember the wreck itself as I was knocked out instantly. Yet when I opened my eyes I saw nothing. I sat buckled upside down with the right side of my face in the road for hours. Then I saw him coming down from the hellish storm that raged above. Lightning and fierce winds grew stronger until he came down. It was night and storming but now it was like day. He came descending from the sky like the Morning Star, clothed in the rays of light. His robes were that of a rainbow and more as he descended towards me.

To my surprise he came down walking casually to me like a friend, not as an all powerful being, I assumed from the stories that would say “arise” and I would stand. No he came onto the ground and shamed his golden feet on the asphalt and bloody street, he helped me out of the car. Brought me onto the wet road and held his hand and helped me up. His face was gold and ivory, I could not stand to look into his eyes, his brightness burned. Instead I looked into the shadows that surrounded us that danced around into the ray of light. I asked if it were God himself and not one of his angels that if he himself would come and deliver me unto heaven personally. He grinned and laughed, then responded that he is my God and he would not deliver me into heaven. That he had a plan for me.

But I would need to swear my soul and loyalty to him. Or he would leave me to die and be damned here, and that the choice was mine. I was never really a religious person, I knew of church and God but had not listened to the ramblings of the pastor. I lived my life in sin, yet here he was my friend that knew me through my life asking me to swear myself to him. Why wouldn't I? His perfect beautiful face that was everything right, his loving voice that was that of dreams. I saw the faintest hint of a frown anticipating the word no. I could not disappoint God. I could not turn away from the most beautiful thing in existence, that came down to help. With repaying that kindness with the word no. So I said yes I swore myself to him. Saying those words felt wrong, seeing his grin felt oh so wrong but at the same time it felt right. 

  His hand touched my bruised and bloody skin. He kissed my brow and said that I was to answer to him and him alone. Then he stood me up and said while my words were true he would need to see an action of my devotion to him. He turned me towards the wreck he saved me from and I saw the true horror that was my wreck. Cars flipped over and crashed into one another. Fires starting from the gasoline and sparks. He said it was my job to go into the wreck and put those who still live out of their mercy. Kill in his name. 

The words that came out of his magnificent mouth were horrifying, but it came in a tune that were songs of gold. He asked if I were to disappoint him, how could I think to disappoint God? So trembling I stepped forth into the wreck of cars. 

I can’t remember what I did in the wreck, the memory is blank. All I remember is going into the storm of fire and metal with the sharp sting of water stabbing at me as it shot the ground. Then walking out, with the fire dead and the cars drenched in blood. I came out and saw my God's arms open with tears coming down his face and pulling me into a hug. My world brightened as his arms were around me, a voice inside screamed I made a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life, yet as I stared into his onyx eyes I would do it all again. The voice screamed to let go but his arms held me tight. The voice screamed to run away and hide but his light turned the hellish storm into a paradise. When he let go I fell down and he whispered oh so gently that what I did for him would not go unpunished. I am his now my soul, my body, my blood, my bones were his.

Any thoughts of horror and regret turned to glory and hopefulness. That I don’t have to die and I can walk away with the satisfaction of life. He said now go walk. With that I got up and walked aimlessly. I wouldn’t see another human for years. I walked down empty roads, through deserts and saw nothing. No cars, not even ambulances or anything reporting to the scene. I didn’t sleep at all but it didn’t matter. I saw his Gracefulness every time I blinked. I wish I could see a reflection of myself to see what humanity looked like in this world, but I struggled on. Everywhere I looked it was a hellscape world, without my God everything looked abysmal.

At night I stared up into the abyss, no stars shined down on me. All I saw were eyes staring me down when I looked up. There wasn’t a night where the thought that those eyes staring me down weren’t those of angels. I wondered if they were jealous of me that God himself came to me and rewarded me with his presence. That when God turned his back if they his angles casted me into hell a place without God. I saw the Sun coming in and going out, but nothing lived underneath this Sun except for I. 

During those years in which I wandered I thought of it as a punishment. Only then did I realize something, it wasn’t a punishment. It was a reward from my God. I began to worship and praise my God and once I did so he came back. 

The return of my God was as amazing as the first time. I came to him robed standing on the rock reflecting his beautiful sun rays onto the world. In his arms was a violin and he played the most heartfelt song. It brought me to tears. His violin that he made from rock and dirt was made into gold and riches in his hand. The tune was heavenly to my ears. I was under his spell.

 I came towards him blinded from his light, I asked him where he had gone. He replied in an angelic voice that he never left me, that he was here all along waiting for me to notice. His ivory and gold face looked to the sky as he talked. I bowed to his feet as he began to talk to me. 

He asked if I were jealous of the other’s in heaven? Do I look in hatred at those who live in paradies? Even if they truly deserved it whilst I do not. Am I jealous I was made in the image of an all powerful being but could not be perfect and live in harmony? I responded but I am in harmony with you my lord. That this place I am in is heaven, the sand I walked down might as well be a street of gold to meet you here. He said open my eyes and he disgraced his perfect hands, lightly touched my eyes and pushed them up.

Surrounding me was fire and blood. I looked down at my hands and remembered what I did to those in the wreck. I was standing on top, their corpses that surrounded me. I went to bury my face in my lord's robe but he was gone. He abandoned me. I screamed for him yet he answered me not, as beings of untold horror approached me. Things made up of shadow and nightmare whispered madness to me. And once I turned my eyes to the sky to avoid the misery I saw him. My advisory. 

He rested on clouds of wonder. The red traumatized skies clashed with the gold and innocent clouds. The angels flew and danced not giving a damned to me below their gaze. They flew in a circle surrounding a man in the center, he was not my god.  I was chained to bodies ready to be feasted on whilst he smiled at the crowds who sang his name in joy. Their choirs were like screeching metal on metal. Why did he sit in luxury and paradies whilst I suffer in the madness of the abyss. The more I looked at him and his ugly figure, how he sat in glory undeserving whilst I clawed at the bloody earth like a monster. I was crying, snarling and growling at him, it wasn’t fair that he is with God and I am not. Not fair that I am stuck in hell, I could only glare at heaven and he does not even glance at me.

I heard close your eyes, and felt wicked pointy fingers shut my eyes closed. I wrapped my arms around the pillars that stood before me. I knew whose legs they belonged to and I would never let them go. I asked why God, would you let me suffer like that and he responded. “Because I did”. I stared cluelessly at him not understanding what he said and then he let out a heartbreaking sigh. 

Our adversary had stolen heaven and casted us to rot in hell instead of himself. He said open your eyes again. I weeped onto my lord and beg not to have my eyes open anymore. I went to claw my eyes out but I was stopped. A choir started before us and he snapped my arms off their sockets, before forcing my eyes open. I saw the horrifying landscape once more, my lord standing there with me. I hung close to him, not as scared as I was before. My God’s light was not as blinding as the one in the cloud, no his light only casted shadows. Whilst the one light in the sky casted none, I could feel my lord's anger pulsing through me. His hatred was mine, but my fear was not his.

I spent a lifetime more with my lord but I could remember nothing. I woke up near a city and looked at the sadness below. Those poor beings, worshiping a false God. How can I live my life with those heretics? I felt my lord’s anger and knew why he saved me from the wreck, I knew his plan for me. I felt his anger that burned my skin, as I stared down on those who cared not about those that were casted from heaven. They did not care about those destined to be chained to the earth and be feasted on by our own madness and despair. I felt my God’s desire to show them the treatment they unknowingly gave to us.

But how can I? How can I go down and do harm upon more people? But how can I reject my God, even when I knew the torture he went through? I would be betraying my lord and worst, rejecting his plan for me and him making a mistake. Was it a mistake to pick me? Is this a mistake of thinking my God had made a fumble in his plans when he saved me? 

These thoughts have been going through me for years and years. I remember not a day afterwards I questioned God. I walked through life in fear for abandoning my God, in fear of his wrath and fury. I know years have passed yet my memory of him does not fade. My life before the accident had, my memory of even having a family is gone. All I remember is him. Every road I take is the wrong one. All my paths lead to him back to his rock fiddling with his violin waiting for me. I see him in the distance having a warm simile waiting for me to come to him. I want to but I cannot do what he wants of him. I know he places a scowl on his face when I turn my back on him. I see him hide it with a smile whenever I turns toward him. He is all that I can remember.