A Series of Unfortunate Resolutions

Resolution #1: Quitting drinking.

Jamey Barnair had gone to the club to ring in the new year. He knew full well what his resolutions were and that quitting drinking was at the top of his list. Nonetheless he indulged in nightlife drinking activities because “it didn’t count until new years day was over,” or at least that is what he told himself to feel better. 

He had cheap tequila shots back to back with a sexy single mother he had met on the dance floor. After the fourth shot he switched to drinking corona’s and before the club shut down he had one shot of Don Julio. 

So yes, the year started with a hangover. But that was okay with him. During the month of January he did extremely well in slowing down his drinking. What really did him over was Valentine's day. February fourteenth was a solemn day. He and his friends had decided to take themselves out for dinner since the group of four were all singles. They went to the Cactus Club during happy hours. The first mistake was going to the Cactus Club during happy hour. The drinks were half price and Jamey was pressured by Davis (it seems to always be a guy named Davis) to drink a mango cocktail. “Better than sex,” Davis had said. So Jamey thought he could try it for the occasion and get back on track the next day. Needless to say he woke up with a hangover after drinking what was equivalent to a half a bottle of absolut. He then decided life was too short, and lonely, to stop drinking. 

This resolution lasted a month and thirteen days. 

Resolution #2: Going to the gym.

Jamey’s next resolution was to go to the gym at least 6 hours a week. He planned to gradually increase this number, that is if he felt like it. It never got to that point. 

He had gone to the gym the first time since high school and didn’t know how to use any of the equipment. He stuck to the treadmill since that was the easiest to operate. It started with a slight incline at jogging speed. After 10 minutes went by, Jamey got a burst of confidence to go even faster despite already being out of breath. He turned the speed up more and more ignoring how alarmingly fast he was going. He got to 7.5 before the speed started to scare him. He tried to decrease the speed but when he reached for the arrow down button he lost his balance and fell forward on his chest before the treadmill rolled him onto his back and threw him off. He hit a wall and made a dent in it. He got up quickly to check if anyone had seen him and with his bad luck pretty much everyone in the gym had heard the sound of him falling. Everyone looked at him and a man who looked like he ate steroids for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, asked if he was okay. He ignored him and grabbed his water, ran to the locker room to grab his bag, and exited the gym without looking up to meet anyone's eyes. Of course since he was not looking up he ran into the glass door on his way out which made his eyes tear up. He ran to his car and never entered a gym again for the rest of his life, let alone the year 2023. 

This resolution lasted one day.

Resolution #3: Learning to play an instrument.

Next was music lessons. He hadn’t known exactly what instrument he wanted to play but knew he wanted to learn something to get more in touch with his creative side. He had half hoped that a never before seen talent would arise and that he would be praised for his natural abilities. He signed up for music lessons at the southside mall because they were the cheapest he could find in the city. When he got there he realised why it was so cheap. They had a person no older than 15 teaching the class and the students were all six and eight year olds. Being in his early twenties he knew he was out of place but sat down anyways. The teacher, who’s name was Carter, noticed him and asked out loud if all the parents could stand towards the back to make room for the students. Jamey let her know that he was here for lessons to which Carter immediately apologised for the mistake. 

“What instrument would you like to play?,” asked Carter.

“What’s the easiest?,” Jamey replied. 

Carter grabbed a recorder and handed it to him. 

“We can start off with this and if it doesn’t interest you we can switch to the trumpet,” Carter told him.

The class started and Jamey did really well at first, picking up all the tips and tricks to playing the recorder. He even learned one line to “twinkle twinkle little star”. When the class was over he went up to thank the teacher as he thought was custom. 

“I think I’ll try the trumpet next, the recorder was easy yes but a little too easy. Can I switch the instrument next class?,” Jamey asked the music teacher. 

With most of the parents and students gone by then it was only Carter and Jamey left. 

“That’s fine with me. You can play with anything you’d like,” said Carter. Something about the last sentence made Jamey feel off. Carter smiled up at him awkwardly and Jamey, trying to be nice, held his smile. 

“Did you start playing instruments when you were a baby or something? You're very good for someone so young,” Jamey only said that to reduce the awkwardness. 

“How old do you think I am?,” Carter asked. 

“I’m not sure, maybe 15?,” said Jamey. 

Carter looked taken aback. 

“I am a 30 year old woman with hypopituitarism, dumbass, I spoke about it in the beginning,” she said angrily. 

“Oh, sorry I-”

“Maybe if you didn’t walk in late to a children’s ages 5-11 music lesson you would know that. Also please read the program description before signing up for any more classes. The adult sessions are a little more pricey I understand that but you need to follow the rules just like everyone else,” Carter continued on and on. 

Jamey was too embarrassed to say anything so he simply walked off. Before the door closed behind him he heard “and to think I was going to let it slide because you were handsome.” He did not go back to the next class and gave up instruments altogether because it reminded him of Carter.

This particular resolution lasted one day but scarred him for life.

Resolution #4: Getting a girlfriend.

Jamey did not want to spend another year without at least trying to get into a relationship. He didn’t have the best of luck with women but thought he knew all the basics of starting a relationship with one. He made a Tinder in January but didn’t have many decent matches on it until he finally landed a match with the perfect woman in early March. The woman he matched with was a 22 year old Russian immigrant who worked in entertainment. She never specified what kind of entertainment work she did but that did not matter to Jamey. The woman was jaw droppingly beautiful and wanted to meet up with him for dinner. That was all that mattered to Jamey. 

When the day came, he put his best cologne on and wore his designer shoes with a simple outfit that showed he had a sense of style. The Russian, who’s name was Tanya, met him at the restaurant. He was happy to see that she was as beautiful as she looked on her Tinder profile and that she had an even curvier frame due to the tight jumpsuit she was wearing. 

She had a slight russian accent that Jamey thought was the most beautiful voice he had ever heard. She smiled at him and they greeted each other with a hug and a typical “how’s your day been.” Then, they got a table and she immediately began asking him questions. What Jamey first failed to notice was how all the questions revolved around how much money he made. 

“I work in marketing and it pays really well,” he had ignorantly told her. 

Her smile brightened at that. Jamey asked her how her entertainment job was paying, only because she had asked about his pay first, she responded by telling him that it wasn’t important. They then ordered their food and the second thing Jamey failed to notice was how the server greeted her as if they knew each other and how Tanya ordered the most expensive food and liquor on the menu without hesitation. Jamey ordered his food and continued to answer Tanya’s questions regarding his lifestyle while they ate their meals. When the food was finished and the liquor was consumed, they asked for the bill. The third thing Jamey took no notice of was the fact that the card machine was immediately handed to him since Tanya was conveniently using the bathroom during this time. Also, he was not asked if they would be paying separately or together, instead it seemed the waiter knew he would be paying. The total bill came out to 300 dollars with tax which was above Jamey’s pre-set budget for the date which shifted his mood from a blissful happy to a dull one. 

After the bill was paid Tanya came back from the bathroom which her jumpsuit unzipped slightly more so her breasts were more pronounced. 

“Let’s go walking, there are some good shops down the road,” Tanya suggested. Jamey was hesitant, afraid that he would have to spend even more money.

“Maybe on another date, I think most of the shops are closed by now anyways.”

“Are you sure? There’s a really nice part of the city with lights and paintings, we can walk around just for the view.”

Jamey thought about it. Seeing how he was hesitating she leaned in a little more so her breasts were pushed up by the table. Jamey immediately agreed.

Without ever asking if the bill had been paid she said “thank you” and leaned in for a kiss before they headed out.

Jamey’s mood got a little better after the kiss and he smiled as they strolled through the quiet street. It was about nine in the evening and it was getting dark so Jamey had a tough time seeing the street numbers and names and couldn’t really pinpoint where he was, luckily Tanya knew her way around and so he let her take the lead. 

Bad luck hit when they turned a corner and were embraced by catcallers. At first Jamey thought he could ignore them but with Tanya it became difficult. He didn’t wanna seem weak in front of her and so he held his head up high and held onto her extra tight. There were three hooded men and Jamey knew he could not take them but hopefully he looked confident enough for them not to say anything else. 

They were almost past the men when one guy grabbed Tanya’s hair making her lose balance. This activated Jamey’s protective mode, which Tanya knew would happen, and he grabbed the arm of the man who had grabbed her. Unfortunately that’s as far as he got. The other men were immediately on him. Grabbing him, kicking him, then punching him. They took everything in his pockets including his keys and wallet. As if to make matters worse they pants him while Tanya stood by watching. 

For once he noticed something crucial; Tanya was not fazed in the slightest bit. It dawned on him that she had set this up. He felt like an idiot…no he was an idiot. 

They made off with everything he had except his phone that lay on the ground beside him. He was happy to have that at the very least. That happiness died quickly. Tanya bent over and picked the phone up off the ground before running away to join the other men. 

Jamey picked himself up off the ground not bothering to pull his pants up and walked aimlessly before collapsing on a park bench four blocks down from the attack. 

This resolution ended before it had even started. 

Jamey Barnair did not make any more resolutions