Mamas Advice

Mama always told me I was too naive. She said that my dysfunctional brain would soon enough be fucked by someone more defective than myself, and sure enough, she was right. She would always insult me under her breath, you know? But I loved my mama, the same way she loved me. I remember the way that she would pull my hair, as she brushed it, the innocent reminder that she was in charge no matter the circumstances. I thanked her, I really did. I let her know how grateful I was that she made me into who I am today. I would´ve never been this strong without her. 

Small town, small circles. Just like the movies, mama left me out of her circle. Forced me to fend for myself, running around back and forth trying to find where I belong. Then he came, he was new and shiny, the girls fawned over him the same way they would a new shade of lipstick in the shops. He was special, different. The way his hair fell over his eyes whenever he would laugh. Although I hated to admit it, I wanted him. I was ready to accept the defect to my dysfunction, so I did, and he was mine. 

I’m sorry you only got to meet him once mama, you really would’ve loved him. He was a lot like you, the constant criticism of my maladaptive behavior, rarely letting him touch me. Until he did it, he pulled my hair just as you did the reminder of who was in possession of the power. It was him, and I immediately gave into that power. I gave into him, I let him own me, just the way you did. The only difference was, I liked the way he possessed my body, my soul, and every little part of me. I loved him. 

You always told me to trust the stranger, not the friend. What reason does the stranger have to hurt you? What grief have you caused them, as you caused to the closer people in your life? Unless you’re a movie character and you accidentally murdered their cousins, wifes, son in the absurd family tree, they have no reason to hold a grudge against you. But since the day I met him, I knew he wasn’t one to trust. Which made him all the more thrilling, everything inside of me told me to follow him, to love him. To love him the way that I needed to be loved, cradled with an undying partnership, based on your brain rather than your heart. 

I shared my secrets with him, not entrusting them but no longer caring whether or not they were known. I knew that he would do anything for my sake, which amounted in my curiosity in which he would kill for me? Was he willing to give up his sanity for the dysfunctional woman he met in this new town? Was I willing to put up with the defect that could ultimately put us both in an abundance of danger?

We were inseparable, every part of me had a need to be close to him, crying out in agony when he was away. Goosebumps would arrive in my arms when he was near. Hair raising as he touched my back. The dopamine rushed throughout my body when his fingers wrapped around my neck. He craved violence, and I craved him. His sadist ways brought out my submissive nature whenever he was around. I would cry and beg for him to do as he pleased, wanting to make him proud, wanting his protection. 

I wanted your protection mama, I wanted love and care and yet you gave me shit advice and an eating disorder. My entire life was spent looking up to you, wishing to be the one forcing them out of my circle. I wanted to be you. I wanted every ounce of your power and presence. The way people would shiver as you walked into the room, jealousy turning the walls green with every step you took. The sun seemed to follow you as you walked. Your own personal light flooding into your eyes, the bright blue color sparkling like a broken glacier, holding itself up in the ocean, while everything around it tried to make it drown. But you never did, mama you always stayed afloat. Like a nagging pest that just wouldn’t leave no matter how hard you tried. 

Every attempt I managed at your life was counteracted by the forces of nature that always seemed to be on your side. Everyone was always on your side. Everyone loved you mama. But you never had any room for me. All I wanted was for you to love me. Then he came, then he swooped me up into his arms and gave me all the attention he could muster. I was the center of the universe. I was now the sun, turning my back on you just as everyone else did when you began to lose your shine. 

I loved him and he loved me. I loved you mama and you loved me. So when the sharp and silver blade plunged into your chest I hope you knew it was love, impaling you. The way he licked up your blood gave me the largest sense of admiration for you mama. For once you were providing for me in a way you never had. You made him happy mama, you should’ve seen the joy in his eyes as your liquids pooled below my feet, his tongue sliding up my thigh, traces of red following closely behind. The most erotic and fullfilling sense of comfort i’ve ever experienced. Everything in me wanted to scream in pleasure as your skin parted for the blade. As effortless as it would be to slice through a fruit. 

Now guess what mama? I’ve made you proud, I finally did it. Everybody fucking loves me. Everyones eyes follow where I walk everyones mouths drop when I look. I took your advice mama. Thank you.