Ten Reasons Why My Classmate Is A Vampire

Dear Mrs. Sucklie, 

I am sorry to inform you that you must expel Lucy Grasha from this class. Sure, she seems nice and friendly on the outside, but that’s just to cover up her secret. As absurd as it sounds, she isn’t actually a student. She’s a vampire. I know I’ve had similar accusations before, and I’m sorry I threw a lamp at Banse (but come on! Add a couple more letters and it practically spells out Banshee), but this time I’m 100% positive! And to prove it to you, here is a solid, full-proof list of reasons why Lucy is loony!

Your favorite student, 

Anabeth Mae ♡

P.S.- I hope this goes without saying but don’t tell anyone about this for your own safety. Besides, it might make Lucy angry and I don’t think you want an angry vampire on the loose. Like you always say, student safety is the number one priority.

Reason 1: She HATES sunlight. Remember last week when you gave us the choice of either outdoor or indoor recess? Well, she picked indoors. Even though all her friends decided to play kickball, I saw her staying inside to read. Honestly, she should’ve thought of a better cover. Reading over playing games? It was my first clue something was up with her.

Reason 2: She has super sharp teeth. I’ve seen them! Well...I’ve seen what she can do with them. A couple days ago at lunch, I was observing her (to prove my theories) and I caught her biting straight into an apple. Not a normal small bite, but a large, crunchy, juicy one! No one can do that until they’re at least you’re age Mrs. Sucklie. Not unless they have vampire teeth that is…

Reason 3: She doesn’t eat garlic. After she threw away her lunch (the same one as reason 2), I went over to the trash. It was disgusting, you know, picking around her leftovers. Hopefully, my sacrifice will help you realize the importance of this letter. Anyway, I found her chicken and there was no garlic on it! Everyone knows garlic is the best seasoning! It’s not like it’d poison her. Oh right, it would.

Reason 4:  She has red eyes. OK, so maybe not red red. More of a topaz really. But add a little orange and BOOM! Piercing red vampire eyes. 

Reason 5: She doesn’t have a reflection. By this point in my research, I was almost positive I was correct, but this instant helped me confirm my findings. Pay close attention. It was a Tuesday afternoon, just a little past 1:00, and we were in art class. The teacher, Mr. Afsan, was teaching us about self-portraits, and we each got little handheld mirrors to use. Lucy was sitting a couple people to the right of me, so I twisted my mirror a bit to test my theory. Sure enough, she wasn’t there. I could see Danny and Meredith and Shawn just fine, but Lucy had disappeared.

Reason 6: She avoids wooden posts. Before you read this one, Mrs. Sucklie, I’m going to remind you that this is a serious matter at hand, and that the actions I took were only what was necessary. Got it? Good. You know the wooden fence around the playground? Well, I know we’re not allowed to go there, but everyone does anyway. Except for Lucy. Even when Jessica double dared her, her feet stayed firmly planted on the blacktop. She was probably frozen with fear- a common fence for us is like a wall of swords to people like her.

Reason 7: She has really good hearing. I wasn’t even trying to spy record her at this point, but it’s a good thing I did. I was talking to my friend Jo Jo at recess about my Lucy-vampire suspicions when she gave us a very angry stare. We were whispering, of course, these things are not to be handled lightly, but Lucy still heard us. Where does she even learn these things? I doubt there’s a vamp camp she can just go to. That would be too bizarre- even for me!

Reason 8: She stays up late. Not all night like a full-fledged vampire, but I overheard Mindy telling Jessica that Danny said she stays up until 9:00. That’s a whole hour later than normal children, Mrs. Sucklie. Even adults like you don’t stay up that late. 

Reason 9: She doesn’t have a shadow. We were walking home from soccer club together when I noticed this very crucial find. It was raining, you see, so we were forced to go home early. I guess I never noticed when we were far apart or inside, but once we were forced to walk together I realized her shadow wasn’t there! Not even a speck of darkness followed her darkened heart.

Reason 10: She drinks BLOOD. Surely you have to be convinced by now, but just in case you aren’t, I saved the best evidence for last. Even if you don’t know your vampire lore, it’s a well-known fact that vampires, like Lucy, drink blood. And that’s exactly what I caught her doing this afternoon. Instead of healthy clear water, I saw her gulping dark, berry-colored blood from her water bottle. I just hope she didn’t have to hurt anyone to get it. Maybe a vampire delivery service? I’ll have to look into this more. 

Endnote- Please Mrs. Sucklie! I know you have tests to grade and lessons to plan but this is much more important. This isn’t a waiting matter! If we don’t act now we won’t be safe for the future. Seriously (and I’m not serious about a lot of things), this is way more important! I have collected an overwhelming amount of evidence for my case, and if you don’t look into it more I’ll have reason to believe you aren’t on my side. Now I’ll have to get back to you- Meredith just howled at Luan. Combined with her obsession with astrology and uncontrollable frizzles, I could build a firm case on her werewolf origins.